It took a while, but....

Get Over My Ex

Last year I took New Year’s Resolutions very seriously.  There was something beautiful to me about an entire year where I could set new goals and could try to put my life back together after so much destruction had taken place.  Entering into 2013, I had a great apartment that I knew would be mine for the entire year.  I had a great job which has potential for longevity and security.  I’ve got my darling puppy by my side, supportive friends, and a great deal of desire for happiness.

My number one resolution – Get over my ex.  Despite the fact that my divorce was finalized, I was still madly in love with my ex and ached at the thought of us not being together.  Now twelve months later, I am happy to report I do not love my ex. 

Although 2013 was much more stable for me than 2012, I still feel as though I’ve changed so much in the past year.  I started off the year craving my ex and pining for him to take me back.  He certainly did not make my life any easier with his constant contact and somewhat thoughtful gestures throughout the Spring. 

At the time my ex moved out of Philadelphia I thought we had achieved some sort of friendship and I had moved towards forgiveness with him.  He had even invited me to celebrate his PhD with his mom and best friend giving me this sincere toast about how I always helped him, motivated and supported him as he achieved his goals. 

One week after those words left his mouth, he moved away and completely ignored me.  After two months of dead silence, he mailed me a letter full of cold and cruel statements.  As far as he was concerned the story of us was entirely over and there was no way we could maintain any sort of friendship.  He went on to delineate how I should never contact him and there was nothing left to be said by either of us to each other.

When I read the letter I was once again taken to the floor with tears.  I sobbed and sobbed and called my friends, one at a time to tell them about his final blow to me.  I felt exhausted as I read the letter over and over again.  The letter was three short pages hand written in perfect penmanship. 

Nowhere in the entire letter did it acknowledge his affair or the heartbreak he had caused me.  It did not contain the word sorry except once in the final sentence, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.”  Oh what a total man child response.  What a joke?!

The letter makes me furious.  It was the ultimate controlling move.  It allowed him to say everything he wanted to say to me, make every final calculated remark and then forbid me to talk to him.  He didn’t even put a return address.  Void of a sincere apology and once again in the ultimate dig claiming that I wanted this superior man that he was incapable of being despite the fact he was unfaithful prior to our vows and again over and over!  He somehow was so delusion to think it was me that had standards that exceeded his.

After I got that letter it became much easier to get over my ex.  Suddenly he appeared much more like a serial killer or someone who would send ransom letters than a strong intelligent man that I had once loved.  He had an indescribably terrifying cold streak and I know that the love that I want is so much warmer than the love my ex was capable of.

I’ve had my fair share of enemies.  I’m sad to stay I’ve had broken friendships and unfortunate endings.  But there is not a single person in the entire world that I could ever think to put pen to paper and write a letter telling them they no longer had any place in my life or spot in my heart.  I am void of that coldness. 

Regardless of what my ex would claim are the reasons for those letters or the reasons he did the things he did, it is rooted in a selfish and controlling behaviors.  I can see now clear as day that a life with a man like that would have left me unfulfilled and empty.  I would rather go out and have hope in my heart that I can find the match for me than settle into someone who did not have that selfless love for me.

I do not love him anymore but I still miss and I am still sad about the way things ended and specifically the final things he did to me.  I often told my ex during our fights it was not the things he did or said, but the way he did them and the way he said them which hurt far more than I could explain. 

Last night I started to think of all the things I would say to my ex and I began to cry.  Despite what you may think, it is not a list of mean names or of all of his shortcomings.  I just wish we had ended things in a much more peaceful manner and acknowledged the good we had before it ended.  I wish he had told me kind things and told me that I was a good wife despite the fact he did not appreciate me.  I wish he had told me that I deserved a man that would be faithful to me and should not have had to forgive him for his mistakes.  It made my heart sink imaging him admit that he really did love me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

If he had said those things, I would have hugged him and told him I know.  I knew it was a mistake.  I know that I did not my fair share of things to cause the failure of our marriage.  I am sorry I wasn’t the best version of my past and I do not think he is an awful person.

After a few minutes of these surprising tears last night, I realized I am never going to get the chance.  I have to accept the apology I was never given and provide the forgiveness that I am just not sure I feel yet. 

New Year’s Day 2010 was when he proposed.  He got down on one knee, he had asked my parents permission, he had saved his money for a beautiful ring and he promised to be the one that took care of me for the rest of my life.  It is only natural for me to think of him around this time. 

But it is truly over and I can not carry my love for him any longer.  I am no where near that person I was when I accepted that proposal.  I am stronger, happier and much more compassionate person that I was back then.  This man has taken up far too much time of my life and caused me far too much pain. 

Tonight when the clock strikes midnight I want to feel more done with him than I’ve ever felt.  It took me a year to remove the final set of memories, to stop all contact, and to start to think about dating new people.  I do not want to cry over him anymore and I can honestly say I do not love him anymore. 

So thank you 2013 for providing me the time, space, and surroundings I needed to officially say Dear Ex, it is so so over.  I do not love you and I do not ever want to be with you! <3 One fabulous lady who is destined for happiness, warmth and lots of good things;)

 

Stronger than you think.

You are strong.

This was a sentence I heard over and over during my separation and ultimate divorce.  While my life felt destroyed and my heart was in a million pieces words of comfort came with a common theme – You are strong. 

When my family told me this, I became furious.  I was not strong.  I was crying every day.  I had lost my appetite.  My eyes sagged and my body hunched.  I ached all over and I felt anything but strong.

Then my friends started.  You are so strong.  Believe in yourself they said.  You are so much better off without him and in time you are going to see that.  You are doing great and you have already proven how strong you are. 

I was losing my mind.  I lost my apartment, I lost half my stuff, I lost my pet, my extended family, and most importantly my best friend.  There was so much loss in my life that I could barely pull myself to face another day.  It seemed like a task simply to breathe.

I cried in line at the post office and quickly explained my husband had an affair.  I cried in the bed, bath and beyond when the woman asked me my wedding date for the returns.  I cried when the dentist call me by my married name.  I cried in every bathroom at work.  I cried at my desk.  I cried on the beach with my friends.  I sobbed at restaurants, movies, and even my brothers National Junior Honor Society inductions.  I cried during runs, I cried in the shower, I cried on the floor, I cried in my bed, I cried in the car, I cried in Starbucks.  I cried hard.

I canceled plans, I missed birthdays, I forgot anniversaries, and I hid from most social outings. Sometimes I didn’t speak for hours and hours on end.  Other times, I panicked because the words wouldn’t stop flowing out.  I broke things, I yelled at people, I blamed the wrong people, I broke more things, and I was downright miserable.

Yet still people continued on and the message poured in from all directions, trust yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see you are very strong.  Over time things got easier and after the worst of the pain subsided a friend again consoled me and said she admired how strong I had been through the worst and darkest of times.

I battled back.  Why did everyone tell me that?  Why did people think I was so strong?

Well she said in those darkest of times did you ever want to take revenge on his mistress?  My response was obvious.  She continued did you ever want to hurt your ex?  Again, too obvious.  She pushed even further, during those darkest hours did you ever want to harm yourself?  Embarrassed, I admitted those thoughts had been present more quite often in those first few months.

She pushed on.  “But you didn’t do any of those things.  You got out of bed every single morning.  You pushed yourself to work, you let your friends help you, and you forced yourself to grow.  You didn’t let it beat you. You didn’t hurt him.  You didn’t go after her.  You didn’t hurt yourself – that’s big!”  As we continued to talk my friend went further saying she admired how I handled the situation and was amazed at the grace and kindness I had shown my ex during the darkest of times.

I will never forget that conversation on the beach with my dear friend.  I will never forget the words of comfort that streamed in during my darkest hours.  As the time comes to put 2013 behind us, I feel really strong.  I can look back and feel that the worst is finally over. 

During my darkest times, I had a tendency to tear myself down and focus on everything I was losing and doing wrong instead of the things I had accomplished and survived.  Now, I try to come from a place of gratitude and pride.  Looking back, it took all the strength I had sometimes just to get out of bed and go through the motions of a normal life. 

But I did it and I pushed and I moved forward.  I would encourage anyone going through a dark time to take pride in the small accomplishments.  On the inside, I was broken and crushed and yet I still presented an exterior that showed my friends and family that I was strong enough to survive.

I do not know what the future holds but I am optimistic I will find good things.  I am blessed to have a strong support network of a few close friends.  No matter the pain, I know I am strong enough to push through and survive. 

 

Baby it's cold outside

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

After not seeing Mr. Intellect for a few weeks, I was convinced things were going to end quietly and peacefully.  After weighing my options, I decided I owed Mr. Intellect the grown up version of a break-up but also the benefit of doubt too.  I had practiced a few things to say and settled that if we had another awkward moment, I would just suggest we no longer see each other. 

When I heard the knock on the door I was nervous in a different way than before.  Apprehensively, I put on a big smile and went to the door.  Immediately upon entrance, Mr. Intellect kissed me.  Kissed me in a way that made me feel missed.  Kissed me in a way that made my heart race.  He even did the whole hand in hair thing while kissing me. And suddenly I was nervous again about liking this guy.  After two lovely dates and lots more kissing, I am officially smitten all over again.

Maybe it was the onset of winter blues, maybe it’s the apprehension of actually liking someone or the pressure of the holidays, I can’t be sure what made me so adamant that it was over.  But I am sure that those aren't present anymore.

I am tired of over thinking each decision.  I am tired of waiting to get hurt rather than hoping to have fun.  I am tired of keeping walls up to keep me safe and settled.  Maybe Mr. Intellect is going to be a total jerk to me in two months, or maybe he is going to be a total sweetheart.  Maybe I will lose interest but maybe I won’t.  The problem with setting up the walls is I keep out the prospect of both the good and the bad. 

After my divorce, I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life.  I hold many regrets when it comes to my failed relationship, but one thing I regret the most is not appreciating the love between my ex and I when we had the love.  There are many times I think back to the time I spent with my ex and wonder why I didn’t appreciate him more or enjoy the situation more.  We did fabulous things together and he was good to me in a lot of ways and yet I did not appreciate him or appreciate the goodness that I had.

I don’t want to spend my life looking back and wishing I had more fun.  I want to experience the fun.  I am not exactly sure how to make myself happy but I know that I need to continue to put myself in a position to have fun which in turn will make my happy.

In sum, I am going to keep taking a chance.  I am going to keep enjoying the fact that a few times a month I can kiss a really good looking man.  His steady hands and constant compliments are healing to my bruised ego and good for my soul.  It is a long cold winter and someone to snuggle with is just too nice.

This Saturday night I am taking Mr. Intellect to his first musical show, Jersey Boys, playing here in Philadelphia.  We are going out to dinner first and I am super exited to get dressed up and go out on the town.  Who knows what the future brings but for right now I am going to just have fun and be happy.  One day at a time and enjoy it while I’ve got it.  When it brings me more pain/stress than fun and happiness I shall end it with gracefully.

 

 

Mr. Intellect and I....

What’s next?

Along with my winter blues and holiday struggles, I am having a difficult time evaluating what to do with Mr. Intellect.  Things progressed to a point where we’ve been dating now for about two months but I am not sure what to do next.  I enjoy spending time with him but I also miss my alone time.  I feel a bit strung out between work, my puppy, and Mr. Intellect and my mental health has been taking a toll.

Although I enjoy spending time with him and we are very compatible, there seems to be something missing between us.  Add to that, a few odd moments here and there, my thoughts of my ex, and suddenly I feel very empty inside. Part of me wants to end things but another equal part of me is scared to be entirely alone again.

As I’ve already said, I have little to no experience dating someone with no intentions of falling in love or getting married.  When I entered into this venture I said I wanted to find someone to spend some of my down time with and to really learn more about myself.  The biggest and most obvious goal is to completely get over my ex.  Kissing Mr. Intellect once a week certainly makes it easier to forget my ex.

But now, I’ve been thinking about my ex more and feeling less and less excited about Mr. Intellect.  I think I should catch and release except I am completely dreading having any sort of conversation with him about this.

How do we know when the time is right to end something?  How do I know whether this is a feeling that will pass or whether it’s time to take some me time? 

More so than the answers to these questions, I am having a constant back and forth in my head about whether I am always going to be this person now.  It took me a year to put my life back together and now I really enjoy my alone time.  I appreciate that my apartment can get messy but nobody will be there to see it.  I like spending my Friday nights in my yoga pants and eating chips and salsa for dinner. 

With the season being so busy,  the final push for hours at work before the new year, and many family obligations, I feel so tired all of the time.  Mr. Intellect is a great person and I am not sure whether to just give myself some time or broach the topic with him.  I just do not want to lead him on or cause anyone unnecessary pain.

 

 

 

 

As I continue to learn about myself and shake the dust off my dating skills, I guess this is the next step I need to conquer, releasing the catch back into the market.  Or maybe I won’t and I will continue to snuggle on these cold winter nights and wait until I am feeling more like myself.  I’ve taken a great bit of pride that I’ve been 100% honest with Mr. Intellect about my divorce and struggles with trust, so if starts to probe, I may just admit where I am at and let him make that decision too.

Time will tell what the future brings for us.  Right now, I am going to take it day by day and do some more focusing on making sure I get the things I need to be happy.  Lucky for me, this starts with a weekend in New York City to see my best friend from law school, followed by a night in Princeton with one of my other best friends!  Maybe all a girl needs is a good weekend with friends to really figure out what I want.

Tis the season

It's official the holiday season is upon us

Last year was my first round of holidays without my ex and they came and went with a dark cloud. On every holiday last year my ex texted me. Without fail came well wishes on Thanksgiving and Christmas. At 12:01 my New Years text arrived. He waited until late afternoon for Valentines Day and my birthday present arrived a day early at my office. For me the holidays were hard and even harder with this expectation or curiosity as to whether I would hear from my ex. 

My ex came from a lovely large Southern family. The holidays were a major event bringing family together and celebrating the accomplishments of everyone in between the holidays. I adored his mother, loved his aunts, and was always entertained by his uncles and cousins.  My family situation is almost the exact opposite with dinner being just myself, younger brother and parents. It's hard to not miss the excitement and fun I had at my ex's holiday celebrations. 

This year the message came around 7:30. "Happy Thanksgiving. Always wishing you and your family the best."  So simple and yet a total mind bomb for me. Here I am-Intelligent, independent and yet totally shaken to my core by this man. 

My friends rally around me and once again are overwhelmed with rage at this man. How dare he continue to put me on this roller coaster of up and downs. I need to tell him not to contact me anymore, they tell me.  Plus, after he wrote me a letter telling me this chapter was always closed and no friendship could survive, it makes my friends even angrier that he would still text me.

I can't help but think about him. I'm so curious as to why he sent the message. Did he think of me throughout the day in the same way his presence haunted me? Will we ever be completely out of each other's lives? Will there come a holiday where I am so happy with someone else that I won't ache for him? 

Maybe it's the text message. Maybe it's the winter blues. I've been off my game and feeling heavy. Although I've made so much progress since last year, I am still amazed by how much pain my divorce had caused in the deepest parts of my heart. As I learned time and time again, this feeling too shall pass. 

Regardless of his message, my ex does not care enough about me to be in my life anymore. He didn't value me. He didn't cherish me and he certainly cannot come back into my life. 

Although this season is hard, it is much better than last year.  To me this means, it will get easier with time.  The holidays can be a difficult time to be single and its important for me to come from a place of gratitude rather than pity.  There is no point in me fantasizing about the past holidays I had with me ex because he has made it more than obvious that my life with him would not have been filled with joyous celebrations.

 

What comes next?

                                              Status Update with Mr. Intellect

 

Things with Mr. Intellect and I are progressing into some sort of unspoken relationship.  We date consistently and exclusively but have avoided adding a title to this situation.  There are so many things that I do enjoy about Mr. Intellect yet at the same time there are things holding me back from fully plunging into a relationship.

First, the positives – Mr. Intellect is the most mature person I have ever dated.  He has a challenging career and is very much an emotional and people person.  He rarely arrives at a date empty handed and is constantly spoiling me with flowers, chocolates, and bottles of wine.  He is easy to talk to and well spoken.  We both have a passion for words and stories and he keeps me on my toes intellectually when we are together. Plus along with being the most mature, he is also the most fit person I’ve date.  Mr. Intellect is a total cross fit junkie and has an intensely sculpted body overflowing with muscles in every location. 

Now you ask, well what on earth could be the problem?  We typically date once a week which for Mr. Intellect is not nearly enough time despite us living about twenty minutes apart and each having demanding careers.  So here is the current pattern.  We hang out and have a great time together.  There may be one or two things he does during that time that agitated me or annoy me, but most of the time I keep that to myself.  We separate and I am left feeling giddy for about the first 24-48 hours and then I start to get inside my head. 

 I’ve been trying to down play my feelings for Mr. Intellect.  I remain guarded and have said if this ends I will feel bummed but will not cry.  I haven’t quite allowed myself to feel that major emotional connection and am worried about becoming dependent on his attention.  I know all too well how quickly a relationship can end and the pain that come from trying to mend yourself after you gave pieces of your heart away to another person.

That said, it is becoming more and more obvious that I am enjoying my time with Mr. Intellect.  He has me checking my phone multiple times a day and anxious for a new text or snapchat.  Let me tell you, this alone drives me insane.  I do not want to be all anxious and distracted about whether I am or am not receiving messages from some guy – albeit amazing or not.  I am going to keep trying but with every positive experience comes another wall for me that has to come down.

I’ve never dated like this before and I do not intend to end it just yet.  My motto remains do know harm.  I’ve been the most authentic version of myself that I am capable of being and have been entirely transparent with my fears of trust and commitment.  I am not entirely sure what I am looking for and I am not entirely sure if Mr. Intellect would fulfill those needs.  But for the time being, can’t a girl just accept flowers and lovely dates with stimulating conversation and not overanalyze the future? 

 

Keep Calm and Run On

Running releases so much more than just sweat

Lately I’ve been running more and more often.  Things in my career and personal life are both proceeding at a demanding and rapid pace and there is something soothing to me about running my thoughts out in the streets of Philadelphia.  I have always been someone who enjoyed exercising and staying physically fit, but was never someone who really loved running until the year my marriage ended.

As the New Year approached, it became more and more obvious of the underlying issues in my marriage.  Now with the pleasure of hindsight I can more fully look back and evaluate the clear timeline that occurred.  In January my husband told me he did not love me and more e-mails, text messages, and interactions were uncovered between my ex and his mistress.  By February, things had heated to us living separate in our open loft with a time scheduled to not see each other and by March he asked me to move out of our apartment. 

At the same time, my friend and I had made a New Year’s Resolution to participate in the Broad Street 10 Miles Run in Philadelphia.  Neither of us were runners at heart and both a bit weary of the idea for running for more than an hour.  We consulted with a running expert and were given a detailed schedule and work out plan.  On we went beginning at 2 miles in the first weeks of January and working ourselves up to 7-8 miles in April.

In these months, my love affair with running began.  My friend and I quickly became much closer and she was such a great resource as my marriage crumbled by my side.  She would arrive at my house and I would be a bucket of tears telling her of the latest text message I had found between my ex and the other woman.  We would talk about it for a few minutes – stretch – and then just run.  We both prefer to run with headphones and it was easy for me to get lost in thoughts as there was so much on my mind.

There was something perfect about running for me at that time in my life.  I remember sometimes I would focus on one specific thought for the entire forty minutes I ran.  I would boil over how angry I was with my ex and say to myself for forty straight minutes you get to tell him off every way possible in your head and then you are done for the entire night.  Sometimes my friend could easily tell this was my strategy as I could be practically sprinting with a look of anger and disgust on my face for miles and miles and miles.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself that every mile I ran was one mile further from my divorce.  Each miles completed was one more thing I had done on my own and would not have done if I remained in that toxic marriage any longer.  I was convinced that if my body became physically strong that my mental health would soon follow and I could learn to cope with all of the feelings of sadness, rejection, and shame.

I ran 6 races following my divorce.  I ran with my younger brother, I ran with my best friends, and I ran alone.  I ran competitively and I ran for run.  I ran through color, ran through mud, and ran through zombies.  I can easily say now I do enjoy running although will never really identify myself as a runner at heart.  I do not run fast and have no dreams or desires to ever complete a marathon.

But during a time in my life when I felt powerless and weak, my legs carried me along and demonstrated just how much they could handle.  When I was jogging down Broad Street for the ten miler, I felt a sense of pride that was extremely rejuvenating at a time when I had felt so much shame.

Fall has always been my favorite time to run.  The cool breeze in your face, the leaves changing colors, and people trying to enjoy the temperatures outside before winter arrives.  I’ve particularly grown to enjoy running in the city and down the Ben Franklin Parkway past the museum to boathouse row on Kelly Drive.

I’ve been running alone lately and although I am not going through a divorce now, I still find running great for my mental health.  Things with Mr. Intellect are proceeding well but I am constantly struggling internally with what I feel and what I want to feel.  Running lets me process some of what’s happening with no other distractions.  On the other hand, running lets me jam out to Katy Perry and remember just how strong I am and everything I’ve been through.

Although it can be difficult with such a fast paced life and busy social schedules but I truly believe that staying physically fit is not only healthy for your body but beneficial to your mind.  I know for me in times of confusion or sadness, running has always been a comforting activity.  I can never look back and say – man I really regret that run – never happens.

I am becoming quite the jogger these days and although I would like to say it is because I am in such great shape and become super fit, but honestly I think it is more because I am really taking on a lot mentally and my mind needs the time to process. 

How do I let myself become more vulnerable with someone else?  How do I find time for a new person in my life when I have already filled my life with so many other friendships and activities?  What do I really want? 

I’ll let you know more in after I jog a few more miles ;)

 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Forward…retreat…Forward

Things with Mr. Intellect are progressing quite nicely.  I cannot keep posting the date count or phone call count because to be honest it makes me a little bit nervous.  As I progress with Mr. Intellect I am constantly battling doubts in my mind.  I like him.  But wait, do I like him?  We have fun, a lot of fun and I laugh a lot.  But where do I want this to go?  And more importantly, do I really have to know?

Somehow as Mr. Intellect and I have progressed we have magically not had “the talk.”  And gI am so glad that we have not had some serious what are we conversation.  As I continue to find out through my life, I need to be more and more comfortable in the moment and without making plans for the future or trying to categorize certain things.  It is evident we are dating and evident from his statements that we are dating monogamously but I still would not feel comfortable saying that I have a boyfriend.  There is something fitting in the no talk status that I like!

This is an interesting time period in my life.  Dating just to date and not looking for a mate. (Yes, I even have a new rhyming mantra).  So what does it mean just to date?  Am I just looking for compatibility?  Am I just hoping for someone who makes me feel good about myself?  If so, then Mr. Intellect does both those things so very well.  I enjoy spending time with him and it is so nice to date a man who wants to take me out on a Saturday night!  The hours we spend together pass quickly and I am obviously attracted to him.  He is so gentle and sweet!

The day after a date with Mr. Intellect, I practically jump out of bed and am instantly giddy upon seeing a text message from him.  But as the day fades and passes into more days in between our dates, I tend to down play my feelings.  I convince myself that this is a very superficial dating experience and try to eliminate any true feelings I may have for him.  I have trouble committing to plans far in advance and can be a bit aloof at times via text messaging.  I get extremely nervous when the next date arrives and then within minutes, my feelings of anxiety have passed and I am back to crushing hard on Mr. Intellect.

Forward, back, forward, back.  I like him.  I do not like him.  He means something to me.  He means nothing to me.  Back and forth I go with my emotions trying to discern which are the feelings of my heart and which are the doubts of my mind.  The bottom line – I do not know and I do not feel like wasting any more time figuring it out. 

It comes down to fear of getting hurt.  The more I allow myself to be vulnerable around him and develop feelings for him, the more I risk allowing myself to get hurt.  I know that the more I give the more potential I have to gain, but still that does not exactly make it easy for me to want to give to him.  As my friend reminded me, there is just so way Mr. Intellect could ever break my heart in the same way by ex did.  Plus I am not the same person I was when I met my ex years ago. I’ve changed and I know more about myself than I knew back them.  Older and wiser ;)

I’ve promised to be the most authentic version of myself throughout this dating process.  I will be positive and constantly reflect on the progress I’ve made.  I know in my heart I do like Mr. Intellect and have a great time with him.  I will take it one day at a time and appreciate the opportunities to get out on the town with a really attractive, kind, and funny man.

This Thursday we are going to a show together in the city and I am really looking forward to both the show and sharing it with him.  Beyond that date, who knows what will come but I am sure glad for the things we have done.

Mr. Intellect has a much larger palette than I do and it has been really fun trying new foods and restaurants with him.   I have a renewed appreciation for Philadelphia and everything it has to offer.  He has also reminded me of all the benefits of living in center city rather than the suburbs. 

I am going to continue to fight the natural urges to put up walls in between us and just allow whatever is meant to be to follow.  I am sticking to the old dating adage of allowing him to the be the next to text and call – maybe even back to back depending on what he says ;)

P.s. this Ted talk speaks perfectly about the correlations between vulnerability and happiness. Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

 

One year ago...

It’s been a year since the ink’s been dry.

A year ago, I came home from work and checked my mail and proceeded up the elevator to my apartment.  In my mail was a handwritten envelope in my ex’s handwriting.  I had no idea what he could be sending me and I suddenly felt nausea as the elevator climbed to my floor dreadfully slow. Staring at his familiar handwriting with my maiden name written in huge letters, I felt sick.

I opened my door and quickly tore open the envelope.  There it was my final divorcee decree.  There was no accompanying letter, no note, no dear ex-wife I am sorry, just a legal document sealed with both our names listed at top and announcing the divorce was finalized.  And like that it was over.  I never appeared in Court.  No judge or lawyer ever heard the stories of the ways I was wronged and I never got to tell anyone the woes of my broken heart.  He never stood before anyone and took accountability for his actions. I stared at those words that told so little of the story that had been my life and I felt dead inside.

And then all at once, I felt every emotion possible.  I was weak in the knees and I stumbled to the floor.  I lay there staring at this document with uncontrollable tears.  I had spent over a year planning what I believed would be a fabulous wedding.  There were months of preparations, meetings with DJs, photographers, bakers, and planners.  There were family dinners and hours spent making decisions.  There were two months of pre-marital counseling with our pastor prior to our nuptials.  He stood before 130 of our closest friends and family and vowed to always love and protect me….and then suddenly he didn’t want to do any of that. And this paper was all he needed to be done.  File this, sign there, wham bam thank you mam you are single.

He ended it on his terms - with no meetings, with no pastors, with no therapist, with meaningless explanations and with no closure.  All that was left was this silly piece of paper – the legal document that now sealed our fate with the Court system and I felt terribly alone.  He had not even given me the courtesy to know the papers were on the way, to be prepared with a bottle of wine and close friends to get my through that first awful night of being legally divorced.

I remember calling or texting each of my best friends.  I adore my friends and am eternally grateful for the words of comfort that flooded in. In the time from my divorce to present, these five woman scattered across the country have helped me get to where I needed to be. Each one with a different perspective, but a consistent theme, this was the final step I needed to move on, this was an inevitable step of his decisions, I was strong and would be happy again one day.  Just hold on, it’s going to get better they all said. And don’t do anything too crazy!

I did not believe any of them and in a way as much I loved them I felt so terrible alone.  I walked to the wine store, crying, came home and drank until I couldn’t feel the pain.  I woke up the next day with tears in my eyes.  I didn’t feel as if I had slept a single moment.  I prayed for peace and comfort and maybe, just maybe time would truly heal my wounds as everyone had said.

It has officially been a year since I received my divorce papers in the mail.  One year I have been divorced now and I can honestly say I finally feel as if I am back on the right track.  I’m reminded of a quote I once read regarding the path towards Christianity, “I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I once was.  I’m okay, I am on my way.” 

That’s how I feel as I look back in this year where the ink has been dry.  I’ve made tremendous progress towards accepting myself, accepting my mistakes, and becoming an independent and happy person.  However, I know as I continue to self-evaluate that I am still not where I need to be in terms of completely loving myself and being at a steady place of peace and happiness.

My friends were right.  Time has helped heal the wounds.  I still get sad.  I still get raging mad sometimes.  But I do not feel nearly as bad as I did that day.  I thought my world was going to be over and I had no idea how I would face the upcoming days.  But I faced them and I continued to move forward and I am so happy that I did.  I faced a choice between becoming a bitter, angry, divorcee or a hopeful wounded dreamer with the courage to pursue happiness.  I am still on my pursuit but I thank God I am not where I once was.

 

 

 

I'm divorced....

I’m divorced…

I successfully told Mr. Intellect I am divorced.  It was terrifying. 

He arrived at my house around 7:00 p.m. and we ordered dinner immediately from my favorite sushi place.  Delivery since it was a week night and I knew I needed to get to bed early. I tried to relax and act normal around him but I could barely stand the anticipation. 

I am usually someone who is very quick with a response and articulate.  However, I was stuttering and stammering up a storm.  I could barely hold a normal conversation for fear I would just blurt the words right out of my mouth.  I was delaying until we were finished with dinner.  It seems mean to send a hungry man away from my house if he wanted to leave.

Finally an opportune moment came and the words poured out of me.  Of course despite my many recommendations to the contrary, I started off by saying, “I’ve got something to tell you…” and then I froze.  My palms were noticeably sweating, my hands twitching, and my words shaky.  He looks terrified.  What could I have to say that was so bad?  My mouth was sudden dry and I could not bring myself to say it but finally I pushed it out…

“My ex is actually my ex-husband.  Everything I’ve told you is true accept I prefer the word affair to cheat since we were very married when he did what he did to me.  I generally do not like to talk about it because it is extremely embarrassing.  I was literally engaged twice as long as my actual marriage lasted.  In hindsight, we should never have gotten married.  We were terrible incompatible but it all seemed right at the time.”

Mr. Intellect, “Oh.  Well no big deal.  I am glad you told me.  Is that why you have been acting so strange?”

Me: “What? No big deal.  Yes big deal we need to discuss. Answers questions and move on.  And yes that’s obviously why I’ve been so scared.”

Mr. Intellect: “Did you think I would care? Did you think I would leave? Obviously we aren’t kids anymore.  We both have pasts. I can understand why you would feel embarrassed. But next time please don’t wait an hour and half to tell me something that is so clearly on your mind.”

I went on to tell him a few more details - where we met, the timeline of our relationship, and more importantly the timeline of our separation.  It wasn’t easy to talk about and it felt terrible personal.  However, it’s one more step towards moving forward.  I did not cry although I came very close at one point.

I carry my divorce like a scar.  I am ashamed of my divorce and I know I shouldn’t be.  I know there was nothing I did or could have done to save my marriage.  But it does not change the fact that I am still ashamed.  Coming clean to Mr. Intellect is one more step towards not feeling so ashamed.  And he took it so well.  I will not wait to tell the next person I date that I was divorced.  I think this was a major step in me being less embarrassed by my divorce.  And it’s the first time I told someone I really liked and was dating.  That first time will never happen again and when you are conquering a divorce getting pasts the firsts is extremely important.  Much like grieving the death of a person, the failure of a marriage lingers throughout the first year with the first birthday alone, the first Christmas apart,etc.  I’ve added one more first to my list and it won’t ever be as bad as it was that time.

And guys…….he still likes me ;)  even as a young love crazed divorcee ;) ;)   

It's time to tell

It’s time to tell him I am a divorcee

I am telling Mr. I that I was married and divorce tonight.  I’ve made up my mind and am entirely committed to doing it.  While in California on my amazing vacation, I had the opportunity to really think about where I’ve been and where I’m going.  I finally think I am approaching point where I can honestly say I love myself and I love everything about me.  Of course, I don’t love the places I’ve been and the pain I’ve suffered but it has also made me a better person.  I am more compassionate following my divorce.  I am less rigid and live more for the moment.  I can keep things in better perspective.  My friendships have grown tremendously following my divorce.  I know more of who I am and what I want now than I ever did at 23.

But I am so scared to tell him.  I could not fall asleep last night.  I have that far too common pit in my stomach permeating with each passing hour.  I have decided to share my most embarrassing secret, my biggest regret, my deepest scar and I am so nervous he may reject me based on this.  And if he does it is fair of him but will certainly hurt me.

I am very mad at my ex today.  If he had just been honest, if he had told me the things he did prior to marrying me….  It just isn’t fair sometimes that I did everything in my power to save my marriage but am left with this scar, this unbelievable pain, and now this uncomfortable future conversation.  The fact that my ex immaturity and dishonesty can cause detriment to my future relationship makes me so mad it’s almost implausible.

Of course maybe Mr. I won’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe it won’t be some colossal divulgence of information.  With any luck he has had friends go through a divorce.  Of course, I can downplay my marriage too being that it was in fact only seven months before my ex physically cheated on me again and eight months before we were separated.  The inks been dry almost a year, we had no kids, and no mortgage.

I am really nervous.  I’ve asked all my friends how to brooch the subject, I’ve got some ideas and options.  Part of me thinks that I may tell him within the first five minutes just to get this heavy heavy weight off my shoulder.  I told my dearest friend that I would be quick – get in and get out.  Hey Mr. I, remember that ex I mentioned, well he was actually my ex-husband.  And we were briefly married for about seven months.  He hurt me really bad but now I’ve moved on.  I am happy to answer any and all questions you may have.  To which my dear friend burst out laughing at the image of me being brief on this topic.  Let’s get real, it’s going to be rambling word vomit but I hope he accepts me and still likes me.

I need to do this for me.  I can’t allow myself to develop anything other than superficial feeling for Mr. I until I know that he knows the real me.  I can’t fully forgive myself for my divorce until I start accepting it as a part of who I am and not some dirty secret.

 

Today my mantra has been continuous, “please give me the courage to come clean and the strength to accept myself flaws and all.”  More to follow.  Sometimes being divorced really sucks and the anger for the ex returns with vengeance.  

 

Date 4 & Date 5

DATE 4 & DATE 5

Mr. Intellect and I have gone out again twice since my last post and things are progressing wonderfully.  I’ve realized that my blog may become a bit boring as my goal to kiss fifteen guys by Christmas is now rapidly changing to how to handle actually having a crush on a new guy.

Mr. Intellect and I went out for a nice dinner Wednesday before my business trip.  We had a few awkward moments before dinner with me being a bit overly sensitive to some of his remarks.  I’ve realized that my ex used to make such negative comments about my career that I become overly protective when people comment on my lawyerly status.  However, after reflecting the following day, it is so obvious Mr. I’s comments were not meant to be hurtful or mean but rather just typically banter.  Mr. I ended up staying at my apartment very very late and it was another wonderful date.  He is easy to talk to, very good looking, and makes me laugh.  His compliments leave me smiling for days.  He has a beard/mustache though and I am realizing that beard burn is a really big problem for my super sensitive skins – any tips ladies?

While in NYC for my women’s leadership conference, I received a few really supportive texts messages followed by a fun long phone call Friday afternoon.  I had plans to head down to Princeton, NJ Saturday to stay with my best friend and her husband for the night.  After that, I was heading on vacation for a long weekend.  Anxious to see me, Mr. Intellect offered to pick me up from Princeton and drive me to Philadelphia which was about an hour or so each way.  I was loving the idea of getting to see him before my vacation but also a little weary of him meeting my friends.  I was worried it may be too soon or may make us too serious.  At the same time, most of my friends do not live in Philadelphia and this seemed like a natural way for him to pass the screening of one of my closest friends.  My married friends were eager to meet him and we decided to do a low-key dinner.  My friend and I also made a homemade pumpkin cheesecake for dessert.  This friend is always so good at making me look domesticated ;)

Mr. Intellect fit right in with me and my friends.  Dinner was brief but conversation flowed naturally.  He was quick with his jokes and very comfortable around my friends.  I almost died when he would droop his arm across the back of my chair or casually place his hand on my leg throughout dinner.  When the check came, I was quick to pay to show him how appreciative I was of him coming to pick me up and making an effort with my friends.  He was obviously appreciative of this gesture!  He was also impressed by our delicious cheesecake. 

After we left my friend’s house, we had an hour drive back to my apartment where again conversation flowed naturally.  In a way it felt as if we had taken a million road trips together and I was quickly chatting his ear off about each and every little thing.  We also had an interesting discussion about what it is like to date.  Back when I was in my early twenties, meeting my friends would be a huge deal.  But now, not so much.  Sure its important to me that my friends like this person but it is just also a natural progression of dating, you meet friends, you meet family, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are planning to get married one day. Back at my apartment, things were equally as fun and eventually we found ourselves having some pretty deep pillow talk. 

I must have made some sort of comment saying “I’ve never dated a guy who plans such great dates or who is interested in so many things.”  To which he replied, “You sure do compare me to a lot of other men you’ve dated.”  I was immediately embarrassed and not sure how to respond.  Sheepishly, I admitted I was not comparing him to many men but comparing him to one particular man.  My ex.  He had been awful to me and ultimately cheated on me.  I did not mention that he was my ex-husband but rather he was my ex from a long term relationship.

Mr. I could not have received this news any better.  He was very kind and gentle but in a non-invasive way.  He told me he had never cheated on anyone in his life and was overly confident that he would never cheat on anyone.  I admitted that it was a bit difficult for me at times to trust people, not just people I dated, but people in general after experiencing such a traumatic relationship built on lies and dishonesty.  I told him that I enjoyed hanging out with him but I begged him to always be honest with me.  If he wasn’t interested any more, just tell me.  Mr. I almost laughed at this simple request, just be honest, got it.  He also asked that I just tell him what I am thinking and be open with him if I am having anxiety with trust or what have you but ultimately just to have fun with him and try to let down some walls. 

I felt so great after this conversation.  Regardless of where this will go or what will happen, it felt nice to explain a little bit more of my issues to someone else.  It also felt like a magic blessing to be with a guy who actually wanted me to talk to him about how I felt and base everything on communication.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for someone like that in my life.  Mr. I and I talked while I was on vacation and he is coming over tomorrow night for dinner.  I am going to tell him I divorced.  I am committed to it.  More to follow on that subject but in the mean time, think positive thoughts that he takes this well.

Not sure where my blog is going at this point but feels good to share these details with my friends.  I may be venturing into my first real dating experience after my divorce.  I may also be wounding my soul that my scar of divorce has tainted me for future relationships.  Either way, tomorrow night will be major progress for me.  It is exciting just to image that I can have butterflies again and just to be day dreaming about someone else. 

Plus Mr. I is super good looking, super sweet, and seems very into me.  And ladies after the two years I’ve had a little flattery is very healing to my soul.