I'm divorced....

I’m divorced…

I successfully told Mr. Intellect I am divorced.  It was terrifying. 

He arrived at my house around 7:00 p.m. and we ordered dinner immediately from my favorite sushi place.  Delivery since it was a week night and I knew I needed to get to bed early. I tried to relax and act normal around him but I could barely stand the anticipation. 

I am usually someone who is very quick with a response and articulate.  However, I was stuttering and stammering up a storm.  I could barely hold a normal conversation for fear I would just blurt the words right out of my mouth.  I was delaying until we were finished with dinner.  It seems mean to send a hungry man away from my house if he wanted to leave.

Finally an opportune moment came and the words poured out of me.  Of course despite my many recommendations to the contrary, I started off by saying, “I’ve got something to tell you…” and then I froze.  My palms were noticeably sweating, my hands twitching, and my words shaky.  He looks terrified.  What could I have to say that was so bad?  My mouth was sudden dry and I could not bring myself to say it but finally I pushed it out…

“My ex is actually my ex-husband.  Everything I’ve told you is true accept I prefer the word affair to cheat since we were very married when he did what he did to me.  I generally do not like to talk about it because it is extremely embarrassing.  I was literally engaged twice as long as my actual marriage lasted.  In hindsight, we should never have gotten married.  We were terrible incompatible but it all seemed right at the time.”

Mr. Intellect, “Oh.  Well no big deal.  I am glad you told me.  Is that why you have been acting so strange?”

Me: “What? No big deal.  Yes big deal we need to discuss. Answers questions and move on.  And yes that’s obviously why I’ve been so scared.”

Mr. Intellect: “Did you think I would care? Did you think I would leave? Obviously we aren’t kids anymore.  We both have pasts. I can understand why you would feel embarrassed. But next time please don’t wait an hour and half to tell me something that is so clearly on your mind.”

I went on to tell him a few more details - where we met, the timeline of our relationship, and more importantly the timeline of our separation.  It wasn’t easy to talk about and it felt terrible personal.  However, it’s one more step towards moving forward.  I did not cry although I came very close at one point.

I carry my divorce like a scar.  I am ashamed of my divorce and I know I shouldn’t be.  I know there was nothing I did or could have done to save my marriage.  But it does not change the fact that I am still ashamed.  Coming clean to Mr. Intellect is one more step towards not feeling so ashamed.  And he took it so well.  I will not wait to tell the next person I date that I was divorced.  I think this was a major step in me being less embarrassed by my divorce.  And it’s the first time I told someone I really liked and was dating.  That first time will never happen again and when you are conquering a divorce getting pasts the firsts is extremely important.  Much like grieving the death of a person, the failure of a marriage lingers throughout the first year with the first birthday alone, the first Christmas apart,etc.  I’ve added one more first to my list and it won’t ever be as bad as it was that time.

And guys…….he still likes me ;)  even as a young love crazed divorcee ;) ;)   

It's time to tell

It’s time to tell him I am a divorcee

I am telling Mr. I that I was married and divorce tonight.  I’ve made up my mind and am entirely committed to doing it.  While in California on my amazing vacation, I had the opportunity to really think about where I’ve been and where I’m going.  I finally think I am approaching point where I can honestly say I love myself and I love everything about me.  Of course, I don’t love the places I’ve been and the pain I’ve suffered but it has also made me a better person.  I am more compassionate following my divorce.  I am less rigid and live more for the moment.  I can keep things in better perspective.  My friendships have grown tremendously following my divorce.  I know more of who I am and what I want now than I ever did at 23.

But I am so scared to tell him.  I could not fall asleep last night.  I have that far too common pit in my stomach permeating with each passing hour.  I have decided to share my most embarrassing secret, my biggest regret, my deepest scar and I am so nervous he may reject me based on this.  And if he does it is fair of him but will certainly hurt me.

I am very mad at my ex today.  If he had just been honest, if he had told me the things he did prior to marrying me….  It just isn’t fair sometimes that I did everything in my power to save my marriage but am left with this scar, this unbelievable pain, and now this uncomfortable future conversation.  The fact that my ex immaturity and dishonesty can cause detriment to my future relationship makes me so mad it’s almost implausible.

Of course maybe Mr. I won’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe it won’t be some colossal divulgence of information.  With any luck he has had friends go through a divorce.  Of course, I can downplay my marriage too being that it was in fact only seven months before my ex physically cheated on me again and eight months before we were separated.  The inks been dry almost a year, we had no kids, and no mortgage.

I am really nervous.  I’ve asked all my friends how to brooch the subject, I’ve got some ideas and options.  Part of me thinks that I may tell him within the first five minutes just to get this heavy heavy weight off my shoulder.  I told my dearest friend that I would be quick – get in and get out.  Hey Mr. I, remember that ex I mentioned, well he was actually my ex-husband.  And we were briefly married for about seven months.  He hurt me really bad but now I’ve moved on.  I am happy to answer any and all questions you may have.  To which my dear friend burst out laughing at the image of me being brief on this topic.  Let’s get real, it’s going to be rambling word vomit but I hope he accepts me and still likes me.

I need to do this for me.  I can’t allow myself to develop anything other than superficial feeling for Mr. I until I know that he knows the real me.  I can’t fully forgive myself for my divorce until I start accepting it as a part of who I am and not some dirty secret.

 

Today my mantra has been continuous, “please give me the courage to come clean and the strength to accept myself flaws and all.”  More to follow.  Sometimes being divorced really sucks and the anger for the ex returns with vengeance.  

 

Date 4 & Date 5

DATE 4 & DATE 5

Mr. Intellect and I have gone out again twice since my last post and things are progressing wonderfully.  I’ve realized that my blog may become a bit boring as my goal to kiss fifteen guys by Christmas is now rapidly changing to how to handle actually having a crush on a new guy.

Mr. Intellect and I went out for a nice dinner Wednesday before my business trip.  We had a few awkward moments before dinner with me being a bit overly sensitive to some of his remarks.  I’ve realized that my ex used to make such negative comments about my career that I become overly protective when people comment on my lawyerly status.  However, after reflecting the following day, it is so obvious Mr. I’s comments were not meant to be hurtful or mean but rather just typically banter.  Mr. I ended up staying at my apartment very very late and it was another wonderful date.  He is easy to talk to, very good looking, and makes me laugh.  His compliments leave me smiling for days.  He has a beard/mustache though and I am realizing that beard burn is a really big problem for my super sensitive skins – any tips ladies?

While in NYC for my women’s leadership conference, I received a few really supportive texts messages followed by a fun long phone call Friday afternoon.  I had plans to head down to Princeton, NJ Saturday to stay with my best friend and her husband for the night.  After that, I was heading on vacation for a long weekend.  Anxious to see me, Mr. Intellect offered to pick me up from Princeton and drive me to Philadelphia which was about an hour or so each way.  I was loving the idea of getting to see him before my vacation but also a little weary of him meeting my friends.  I was worried it may be too soon or may make us too serious.  At the same time, most of my friends do not live in Philadelphia and this seemed like a natural way for him to pass the screening of one of my closest friends.  My married friends were eager to meet him and we decided to do a low-key dinner.  My friend and I also made a homemade pumpkin cheesecake for dessert.  This friend is always so good at making me look domesticated ;)

Mr. Intellect fit right in with me and my friends.  Dinner was brief but conversation flowed naturally.  He was quick with his jokes and very comfortable around my friends.  I almost died when he would droop his arm across the back of my chair or casually place his hand on my leg throughout dinner.  When the check came, I was quick to pay to show him how appreciative I was of him coming to pick me up and making an effort with my friends.  He was obviously appreciative of this gesture!  He was also impressed by our delicious cheesecake. 

After we left my friend’s house, we had an hour drive back to my apartment where again conversation flowed naturally.  In a way it felt as if we had taken a million road trips together and I was quickly chatting his ear off about each and every little thing.  We also had an interesting discussion about what it is like to date.  Back when I was in my early twenties, meeting my friends would be a huge deal.  But now, not so much.  Sure its important to me that my friends like this person but it is just also a natural progression of dating, you meet friends, you meet family, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are planning to get married one day. Back at my apartment, things were equally as fun and eventually we found ourselves having some pretty deep pillow talk. 

I must have made some sort of comment saying “I’ve never dated a guy who plans such great dates or who is interested in so many things.”  To which he replied, “You sure do compare me to a lot of other men you’ve dated.”  I was immediately embarrassed and not sure how to respond.  Sheepishly, I admitted I was not comparing him to many men but comparing him to one particular man.  My ex.  He had been awful to me and ultimately cheated on me.  I did not mention that he was my ex-husband but rather he was my ex from a long term relationship.

Mr. I could not have received this news any better.  He was very kind and gentle but in a non-invasive way.  He told me he had never cheated on anyone in his life and was overly confident that he would never cheat on anyone.  I admitted that it was a bit difficult for me at times to trust people, not just people I dated, but people in general after experiencing such a traumatic relationship built on lies and dishonesty.  I told him that I enjoyed hanging out with him but I begged him to always be honest with me.  If he wasn’t interested any more, just tell me.  Mr. I almost laughed at this simple request, just be honest, got it.  He also asked that I just tell him what I am thinking and be open with him if I am having anxiety with trust or what have you but ultimately just to have fun with him and try to let down some walls. 

I felt so great after this conversation.  Regardless of where this will go or what will happen, it felt nice to explain a little bit more of my issues to someone else.  It also felt like a magic blessing to be with a guy who actually wanted me to talk to him about how I felt and base everything on communication.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for someone like that in my life.  Mr. I and I talked while I was on vacation and he is coming over tomorrow night for dinner.  I am going to tell him I divorced.  I am committed to it.  More to follow on that subject but in the mean time, think positive thoughts that he takes this well.

Not sure where my blog is going at this point but feels good to share these details with my friends.  I may be venturing into my first real dating experience after my divorce.  I may also be wounding my soul that my scar of divorce has tainted me for future relationships.  Either way, tomorrow night will be major progress for me.  It is exciting just to image that I can have butterflies again and just to be day dreaming about someone else. 

Plus Mr. I is super good looking, super sweet, and seems very into me.  And ladies after the two years I’ve had a little flattery is very healing to my soul.

Vacations after divorce

Adventures

I am headed on vacation tomorrow and I am thrilled. 

I am off to the sunny skies of California to enjoy some much needed leisure time and outdoor adventures. 

I know I am making progress.  When I first was separated from my ex I felt paralyzed and paranoid.  I did not know how I would make it through the next day let alone the weeks that followed.  I had always been such a planner  and my calendar was typically full of events and vacations planned throughout the entire year. 

My ex lived down South and trips for the holidays were often planned months in advance.  I loved having a place to escape to and always found the trips to both relaxing and exciting. But now as we separated I was suddenly too scared to move.  I was miserable and exhausted.  Although I wanted to go away and hide, I was also too scared to plan anything and too untrusting to allow anyone to plan it for me.  I was spiraling lower and lower with no hopes of escape.

I had planned a joint family vacation for a beach house down South before my ex broke the news to me that he no longer loved me and would be filing for divorce.  I remember the amount of time my family and I circled about what to do with this pre-paid for beach house.  My family was eager to still venture down but I remember thinking the second I get to I-95 South I will only think of my ex and all the times we traveled down South together.  It will be awful.

After agonizing over my decision and my inability to make a decision, I finally called the beach house owner and cried my eyes out.  I told her the awful things my ex had done and why we couldn’t come to her beautiful house.  As a divorcee she quickly sympathized with me and said she would only charge the security deposit.  Still no light fee but much better than the rest.  I couldn’t ask my family to pay for that.  They had just incurred an entire wedding with nothing to show for it less than one year prior.  When I first suggested to my ex that we split the bill, he was ice cold.  “You planned that trip.  You pay for that trip.”  No less than three e-mails later which eventually required a cc of his mother did he pay half of the deposit.

(side note I am still mad he didn’t just pay for the entire thing.  He didn’t say to me I know I promised to love you in sickness and in health for the rest of our lives and based on the reliance you planned a lovely trip for our families to blend, let me please pay for that…no that wasn’t the way it went down when we got divorced)

Now I still had a week off planned into my work schedule and my parents decided to rent a beach house near-by at the Jersey Shore and pleaded with me to come.  At this point, I was still crying daily, hardly eating, and couldn’t see straight at times.  I felt like a spectacle and that the world was against me.  I felt alone and like nobody – nobody understood my pain.

I wanted my best friend to be with me.  Throughout my childhood, my best friend and I had sat on that beach, had laughed on the beach, had trucked the boardwalk on that beach, and had grown up on that beach. 

I had felt so much rejection at that point.  I felt such a level of anxiety and distrust.  I told my mom I would go if my best friend came with me but I could not ask my best friend myself.  My dear best friend was married lived over 7 hours away and had three children under five.  It was not exactly a walk in the park for her to pick up and join us on this unplanned vacation.  It would be expected she would say no.  It would be entirely acceptable if she had said no, but I was too afraid to hear it myself.

My friend said yes. I don’t know the particulars of the conversation she and my mom had but I know that when I found out I cried tears of relief.  Sometimes you can’t exactly even put into words what you need or want and there really wasn’t anything I wanted my friend to say I just wanted to see her.  She came with her husband and children and joined us on the beach.  It took her over ten hours to get there with her little babies packed in the back. 

Looking back, I was not very good company.  I was a shell of a person and I think mostly my friend and family were a little scared of where I was at. I sat on the beach, I kept to myself, but I was so glad my friend was there.  Seeing the innocence of her children enjoying the beach, being able to tell her the things in my heart and worries face to face, and sharing some of our favorite pizza was exactly what I needed.  There were no magic words but just a repetitive theme that I would be okay, it was not my fault this happen, and things would get better with time.

Watch the waves crash my therapist told me before I left.  No matter what the waves never stop she said.  Remember life goes on.  These words stuck with me and that was all I did for hours, watched the waves, read my book, and let my mind heal try to heal itself.  Sometimes I sat there silently ignoring questions posed to me.  I looked like I was on the verge of tears most of that trip.

It took me another year before I could plan another vacation and a lot of courage to book that first plane ticket.  No surprise another one of my best friends was there by my side that time.  I will post about that vacation another time ;)

For me, this is a big step going on vacation tomorrow.  It a sign I have grown and can trust myself to have fun.  I would not plan trips before because I had no idea what state of mind I would be in when the trip arrived.  Would I be in that dark spot and entirely miserable? Would I get so anxious that I couldn’t board the plane?  I remember those feelings vividly.

I have anxiety about this trip but nowhere near the past.  I am going to board that plane with my head high and my eyes straight ahead.  Fun awaits me in a far away land and I can not wait to explore it.  I’ve come a long way in a year and I am ready to live the life God had planned for me.  I am thankful for the dear friends that took me on those first few vacations reminding me that I deserved rest and relaxation and all those were capable without my ex. 

Here I come California.  Bring on the free spirits.  The liberals.  The wine and cheese.  The beautiful scenery.  The fun to be had.  I know that I deserve the happiness that is to follow.

 

It's time to sleep....

You need to sleep

In the months leading up to my ultimate separation, I could not sleep.  I was amazed by my ability to proceed through life in this insomnia state.  I would be exhausted each and every day and when it came time to sleep, my mind raced.  I begged my ex to talk to me, to come back to me, to explain what he was thinking and what he expected me to do.  Like the coward he was, he crawled out of our bed and slept on the sofa demanding that his career required sleep and there was not amount of talking to resolve our differences.  This sequence of events went on for months – me wide awake and anxious while he loudly snored on the couch.  It infuriated me. 

Now I plan to explore our differences at length in future posts.  Because we had many – however the largest was his inability to remain faithful and monogamous and my desire to have a man entirely to myself.  At first not sleeping proved helpful as it allowed me to sneak down to his phone in the wee hours of the night to read the emails and texts messages exchanged between him and his mistress.  However, the lack of sleep also drove me insane.  I was unable to make decisions – I was unable to think clearly – and I felt like I was honestly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.   And yet I could not fall asleep.  Not with so much unknown.  Not like this…

 

When I started to do research into my mental anguish, I learned that mental pain registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain.  In other words, when you are going through a traumatic life experiences, you brain registers this the same way it was excruciating exercise.  The phrase I feel like I’ve been hit by a train became my go to response when asked by co-workers how I was holding up.  I literally felt like I was strapped to a locomotive, traveling faster than I could ever imagine and constantly hitting every tree it could as I proceeded.

When we ultimately separated and I moved to my grandmother’s house, all I could do was sleep.  With this information that physical and emotional pain registered in the body, I knew I needed sleep.  And a lot of it!  I had survived law school, all-nighters, bar preparations, but I had never in my entire life felt an exhaustion on this scale.  It took a long time to learn to listen to my body and the support of great friends and Grandmother who forced me to sleep and let me sleep. 

While I cried myself to sleep and often even woke up with tears in my eyes, I knew I needed sleep.  Of course there is the appropriate balance between sleeping too much and allowing yourself to fall into a deeper depression – but if you are going through major life changes in you life – you need sleep.  In the beginning, don’t doubt yourself, just keep on sleeping.  Need a sleeping pill to know you out – this girl says go for it.  Especially in the beginning, you need to sleep anyway you can.  Heartbreak is an awful anguish that plays with every part of your brain.  I learned I could not judge myself and had to accept this weak, feeble, broken person for who she was and begin to help her.  I was so tired; I once called out of work to my boss.  He asked what was wrong, and I whimpered, I am so heartbroken that my body won’t let me get out of bed.  My sweet sixty year old boss was at a loss for words and said sleep it off and tomorrow believe that you can get out of bed.   He would go on to repeat this word to me over and over.  Believe, believe, believe. 

After 18 months of separation, I can honestly say it took me a year of getting lots and lots sleep to really allow my body to heal.  And I think that is consistent with major life traumas.  The reality of that statement means for over a year my body was too tired to be involved in normal life activities.  Whereas some people require 6-7 hours of sleep, my body required 10-12 hours of sleep in the beginning.  I rested through spring, I hid in the summer, I bought my puppy in the fall, and I hibernated all winter long. 

I’ve learned there is no magic formula to how many hours of sleep I require.  However, I know that my mood, energy levels, and performance are all based my levels of rest.  When in doubt, go to bed my friend once told me.  While it was annoying and frustrating to feel so tired all of the time, I knew my friend was right.  Feeling anxious – go to sleep?  Starting to cry at 8:30 because you feel lonely – go to sleep!  Beginning to plot revenge and pay backs – go to sleep!  Walking down memory lane – go to sleep!

I think I am almost at a normal level of sleep requirements.  But I do know that when I start to feel sad, anxious, angry, or depressed that I also need to re-evaluate my sleep patterns and that there is no better remedy for me that sleeping in past 10:00.

Sleep in important.  Sleep is crucial.  And mental anguish feels the exact same to the body/brain as physical anguish.  Think back to the days of two a days in high school, would you have had the energy to go out and drink with friends after 5 hours of practice – NO!  So why would you force yourself to engage in social activities amidst such extreme mental anguish.  Feeling extra sad well catch some extra zzzzz.  And after months of rest, you may begin to feel refreshed.

P.s. Not convinced by me, check out Ted Talks Russell Foster – Why do we Sleep? And Ariana Huffington – How to succeed, get more sleep.

Date 3 with Mr. Intellect

DATE 3 with Mr. Intellect

For date 3, Mr. Intellect wanted to go outside and enjoy the amazing 85 degrees predicted for the upcoming Saturday.  He asked whether I wanted to know the details of the date or preferred a surprise, I opted for the surprise and only needed to know appropriate footwear and whether I need a puppy sitter.  Comfy shoes and no puppy sitter ;)

He was picking me up at 2:00.  I barely had time to get nervous with such an early time. I went spinning, took my pup for a long walk, and suddenly it was time to get ready for my date!

We headed down to Longwood Gardens – a place I’ve always talked about visiting but have still not made it to.  It’s about an hour outside of the city but conversation flowed naturally in the car.  We walked the garden for hours admiring the flowers, the fountains, and the sculptures.  It was a pretty fantastic place to visit and Mr. Intellect does not fail for interesting conversation.  He was constantly adding fun tidbits or retelling me what he read from the signs in fun and engaging ways since I was way too impressed by the sheer beauty to waste any time reading about anything.  He lingered as we walk and took my hand at a few times while walking.

 

There was a special bee exhibit at Longwood Gardens and he was excited to share it with me following our prior discussion of the Ted talk about bees.  It was a really nice subtle way to show that he was listening when I talked.  As we walked through the gardens – hours passed with lots of laughter and stories from our pasts.

By the time we got back to the city, puppy needed a long walk and we needed a nice rest after all our walking.  We missed our dinner reservations he had made earlier but neither of us seemed to care.  I was dying for a shower after our long walks – feeling more stinky than sexy.  He asked if he could do the same after me and secretly pulled out the most adorable little man bag packed with a new outfit and toothbrush.  After I immediately called him out for being presumptuous he assured me he never travels far without a toothbrush ;)  I stepped it up to a cute dress and heels for dinner and we were off with ambitions of dinner and dancing.

When we finally made it out the door for dinner it was impossible to get a table anywhere in my neighborhood.  9:00 P.M. on a Saturday was going to be a difficult time to eat.  After the in/out of a few restaurants, I finally confided in him that all I really wanted was to grab burgers from the no frills shake and burger place near my house and go home and watch a movie.  The look of relief that passed on his face was perfect – he was way tired too and starving to go anywhere else and loved this new plan.  After scarfing down delicious burgers and fries we went back to my house.  I quickly changed into my cozy yoga pants and movie watching attire.

We watched To Kill a Mockingbird. It was amazing – I haven’t watched that movie since I was in high school.  And somehow it was way better snuggled close in this intelligent man’s arms.  With a greater appreciation of the literary masterpiece and lawyer scenes, we both thoroughly enjoyed the movie.  Atticus Finch is probably the most ideal man ever created and we both continued to comment on his strong integrity throughout the movie.  I cried three different times so enraptured by this movie! 

We drank wine – we made out – we watched another great movie.  He ended up spending the night and couldn’t have been more of a gentleman and offered no pressure to proceed beyond appropriate boundaries.  In my wine stupor, I told him I thought he brain was sexy ;)

He is great so far.  We have plans to go out again this week before I start my travels for the month.  He told me one of the sexiest things about me is my career and he thinks I’m funny.  Both of these things make me so happy.  My ex did not find me entertaining or humorous (or at least not at the end).  And there were so many issues with the way my ex supported/undercut my career choice.  In short, my ex never admired my career or was impressed by my accomplishment.  Mr. Intellect so clearly is and it feels so great to receive that praise.

I’m nervous.  I never intended to find anyone I would want to go on 5 or 6 dates with on my new quest on match.  The point of this adventure was to grow personally and continue to find myself.  The point was to figure out what makes me happy and to get used to getting back into the dating world.  It scares me to feel myself so excited and happy by someone else.  I’ve spent the entire past year learning how to become independent and my walls are high.  Plus I still have not told him a darn thing about my past and I never thought someone from match and I would be having that discussion. 

At the same time – I haven’t felt so happy in a very long time.  I want to fully embrace this moment and these amazing dates as they come.  Appreciate the opportunity to experience new things with a new person.  I finally made it to Longwood Gardens on my third date after trying to convince my ex for 4 years to go with me.  It is evident that Mr. Intellect enjoys planning these adventures which is such a refreshing change from my past that I want to savor it while I can.

Lessons learned so far – I do enjoy Philadelphia area very much.  I do enjoy getting out of my apartment and experiencing nature.  I’d rather go out and do something all day Saturday than sit inside and watch t.v.  Regardless of what the future holds for Mr. Intellect and I, he is allowing me to make great strides in figuring out what I like and increasing my self-confidence and self-awareness.  I prefer day dates is sunshine and nighttime in yoga pants with a good movie.

Date 4 is on Wednesday.  Will be less adventurous as I have set a 9:30 bedtime for myself.  Big work conference in NYC this weekJ

 

Fill the Void, Part II

FILL THE VOID WITH TED TALKS

As previously posted, it has been very important for me to fill the silence in my life – especially in those first few months following my divorce and separation.

Recommended to me by a friend as something to fill the void, I quickly have become obsessed with TED talks.  TED – TECHNOLOGY, ENTERTAINMENT AND DESIGN (note - learned that from Mr. Intellect) offer short talks on topics of all sorts. 

I like TED talks for a few reasons.  First, they are very informative and appeal to my craving for knowledge.  Second, they are generally pretty short – less than twenties minutes and are perfect for when I am showering, cleaning, or playing with my puppy.   Third, I am wildly impressed by the public speaking ability of these individuals.  At a minimum, it sets a standard for communicating an idea to a large audience and it is amazing the passion these people bring to the table. 

Below is my list of my top ted talks to combat unhappiness and to offer inspiration.  I am constantly listening to TED talks and updating my new favorites.  I’ve listened to each talk more than once and even went through a phase where I listened to (1), (2), and (3) every day for a few weeks.  The words not only offered comfort but they also offered solutions and inspiration. 

MY TOP 10 TED TALKS

1.      Learning to Live by Stephanie Snyder (check youtube – amazing!)

2.      Love Letters to Strangers by Hannah Brencher

3.      All it takes in 10 mindful minutes by Andy Puddicombe

4.      Looks aren’t everything by Cameron Russell

5.      Listening to shame by Brene Brown

6.      The power of vulnerability by Brene Brown

7.      Tales of passion by Isabel Allende

8.      The opportunity of adversity by Aimee Mullins

9.      Living beyond Limits by Amy Purdy

10.  Happiness in body and soul by Eve Ensler

 

Hope you enjoy.  Please let me know if you enjoyed the TED talks too or have any other favorites for your time of sadness. 

P.s. there are also such fascinating topics available on TED talks especially related to health, farming, and the alarming problem of bees.*

*plant more bee friendly gardens and listen to a talk about bees;)

Fill the Void

TOP 10 BREAK-UP SONGS TO HEAL

Heartbreak is really hard and easy to dwell on.  It is easy to remember all the good times, to miss your lover, and ache all over.  In the beginning I had tremendous difficulty avoiding the spiral of thoughts about my ex.  And it was a spiral – I would think about him, miss him, miss the memories, feel overwhelmed by the future, feel incredibly alone, panic would set in…and so I realized I need to fight this spiral because it was taking me down.

One of the most obvious effects from a divorce is that you are suddenly alone.  All those car rides together are suddenly taken alone.  Trips to the grocery store – alone.  Walks through the city – alone.  And in this alone time it is easy to let the negative voices inside your head win.

The best thing for me was to just not think about him.  Fill the void of silence so that my thoughts would not wander to him.  I found a few great songs that I played over and over and over again throughout my break-up.  Some throwbacks, some more current, but here is my heartbreak list cure

1.      Hold On For One More Day – Wilson Phillips

2.      I Will Survive  - Aretha Franklin

3.      Stronger – Kelly Clarkson

4.      Carry on  - Strong

5.      Man of the Hour – Norah Jones

6.      Roar – Katy Perry

7.      Walk like a Man – Frankie Valli

8.      Folsom Prison Blues/ I walk the Line – Johnny Cash *(any Johnny can soothe the soul)

9.      Swing, Swing, Swing – All American Rejects

10.  Chip on your shoulder – Legally Blonde ;)

For me, the words of these songs suddenly seemed more powerful and I felt better each time I sang about moving on.  I held onto these lyrics as mantras throughout the day.  I played them on repeat while in the shower.

In your quiet times, it is only natural for your wind to wander to your ex and it takes an effort to avoid those thoughts.  I remember the mornings where I sat in the shower and cried my eyes out terrified of what the day would bring and paralyzed by sadness.  These songs helped me to move forward and keep going despite the ever burning urge to quit.  Make your own lists, share some other songs, but whatever you do fill the void of silence!

 

Lessons from my father...

MAN CHILD

        My ex was a man child.  Definition of a “man-child” someone who resembles a man from the outside but still has internal issues which cause them to act like a child and require mothering rather than typically loving.

        Of course – in hindsight I now see clearly how obvious my ex’s man child actions were.  From small issues to major issues- some humorous and others down right insulting.  But this is not a rant about my ex but rather a discussion of man child’s.

        My ex is not the first man child I’ve had in my life.  My dad resembles the largest man child I’ve ever encounter.  In my twenties, particularly in the years following my heartbreak, I have taken time to evaluate my past and recognize my “childhood issues.”

        I do not come from a home of love, warmth, compassion and sympathy.  It’s not to say I come from an abusive household or one which could easily be identified as a troubled home.  My parents were always employed and have remained married beyond thirty years.  But the love they have developed is not one that I desire. 

        Let me also add I love my dad.  I love my mom and I will always love and cherish them both. 

        My dad and I were always close, very very close.  We talked sports, life, and colleges throughout my life.  By the time I reached high school, it was typical for conversations to start, “don’t tell you mother but I did x”.  Now “x” may have been an investment decision, a large purchase, and even health care decision.”  When the big decisions had to get made, my dad was confiding in me rather than my mother.

        My dad can’t cook.  My dad didn’t start doing the dishes until about three years ago at the ripe age of 62.  My dad has never cleaned the house properly.  He has tried but often causes much more of a mess that originally started.  My dad has never used a tool, fixed a broken light bulb or been able to take the car to the mechanics.  He hates technology, never learned to set the VCR, still doesn’t know what an input is, and often loses everything. 

        Add to that he is has a temper, the language of a sailor, and is by far the most impatient person I’ve ever met.  (He has good qualities too but this is a post about his man childness).  He never knows what my mom bought us for Christmas, he has never sent a thank-you card, he doesn’t garden, he won’t help with holiday decorations, and he is the messiest eater anyone has ever seen.

        In high school, it wasn’t easy being the secret keeper.  Hearing the trials and issues my father had with my mother.  Being positioned against my father with my mother’s constant bickering and nagging. 

        When my dad’s mother died in college, it was me that brought him comfort.  My mom barely even tried knowing that my dad would be far more comforted by me than her.  My dad wanted to go to the bars in his old neighborhood and see some of the people that would remember his mom.  At the age of 21, I drove my dad from bar to bar.  At each bar, he would order us a shot and a drink.  I quickly realized, I would be chugging water in the bathroom and winking at the bartenders to make mine a virgin.  This was not the first time I would comfort my dad, take care of my dad, and realize how the roles in my life were constantly being flipped. 

        Often during times of tragedy, outrage, or distress, I was called in by my mother to fix the problem.  “Talk to him – make him calm down – I won’t tolerate this – you take him to the appointment – you take him to the airport – you deal with it then!” I’ve tried to mediate between them as now I see so obviously where my dad is coming from and where my mom is coming from and how neither are addressing each other issues.

        I’ve taken my dad for medical procedures, separated him from fights at the ball parks, apologized to insulted waiters, fixed his messes, comforted him in times of loss, and tried to stand by him.  It’s been difficult in my evolving times to be tempted to judge my parents at every turn in my life. 

        Instead of judgment, I am trying to learn from my dad.  And what I’ve learned is that I don’t want to marry a man who resembles a man child in anyway!  I want a man that handles stressful situations in life with maturity and compassion.  A man that comes to my side to support me rather than hands me the reigns and watches as I try to fix the problems.  I’ve taken care of two man childs now in my life and I crave someone who can take care of me a little bit.  I want a powerful strong man who is able to confide in me and tell me his emotional problems rather than the crazy I’ve dealt with to get here.

        I love my mom.  I love my dad.  I just crave a love far better than the one I witnesses growing up and with much more maturity and strength than I have witnesses in my life. And I know I will never be satisfied with a man child for a husband.