A more positive outlook

21 Day Challenge

              I’m taking the 21 day challenge!  Well, a modified version if you will.  This idea stems from Shawn Anchor awesome Ted talk (check out link below) where he argues we can train our brains to see the positives in things. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work

          He discusses the general view of happiness as something we will have once we achieve a benchmark – a better education, job, house, condo, a better relationship, more friends, more billable hours, more money – but once we achieve it, we move the bar again by thinking what we must now achieve to be happy.  I am so guilty of constantly moving the benchmark.  I am happy I met my hours, but what if I could bill more?  Instead of taking time to celebrate my achievement, I am already thinking of the next goal.  This can set you up for a life of disappointment and dissatisfaction. 

Anchor’s idea’s really resonated with me and he has had much success teaching his strategies in business across the world. 

Below is my 21 day challenge starting today.  I will keep you posted of the results ;)

1                           1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day. 

2                           2. Write for 2 minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours.

·          This strategy helps transform you from a task based thinking to a meaning based thinker who scans the world for meaning rather than end of to-do list.

3                         3.   Meditate for 2 minutes

·         Focus on breathing going in and out.

4                        4. Write one quick email/text first thing in the morning thank or praising someone in your life.

         From June 1 – June 21 I am going to try this every day! My modified approach is going to be text/typing my 3 new things I am grateful and moment a day.  I know writing is better but some days I just won’t make it to my journal.  I am really hoping that by the end, I am trained to see more beauty in life and can further develop a positive outlook.  

In the words of Shawn Anchor, not only will this “create ripples of positive but create a real revolution.”

Three Years Ago...

Three years ago today I was married.   While this date marks a somewhat bleak memory for me, I am proud of the person I’ve become and the life I have created.  I am the way I am because of the things I went through.  Now three years later, I am most amazed not in the way my life has changed but in the ways that I have changed as an individual.

1.      I am stronger.

·         Both physically and mentally.  My arms, legs, and abs are stronger than three years ago but more importantly mentally I feel strong.  When I was with my ex, so much of my mood/energy was spent try to please him that I lost myself and lost ability to care for myself.  Emotionally I feel more stable than ever and stronger enough to handle what comes before me.  In a lot of ways, I can say, well it can’t be as bad as that time my ex…and man he left the list so open with all the awful things he did to me in the final six months of our relationships.  If I got through that hellish battle without harming him or myself, I can handle what comes next.

2.      I am stylish.

·         Okay – I am not really stylish but I’ve embraced my style.  My ex was flashy/trendy/and oh so cool.  It made me feel this pressure to wear certain things or highlight my inability to choose outfits/items that flattered me. I may not be stylish now but I am comfortable in my choices.  Still torn between I’m too old for that outfit but too young for shorts than long, I’ve found myself choosing more mature and flattering items.  I know my body shape, I know what works, I know what makes me feel sexy inside, and I know the difference between when I should and should not wear a certain item. 

3.      I am more decisive.

·         Decisions have always plagued me.  I blame it on the left side of my brain/ analytical side.  I had/have a tendency to overthink my decisions and would have “buyers remorse” even if it was not a purchase, regretting a night out or a decision to go out to dinner.  While I still can overthink a decision, I have learned to trust myself more.  Trust that I will make a good decision or that the decision is final and just roll with the punches.  This is a much better way to live.

4.      I am empathetic.

·         This was huge for me.  I was always empathetic to people going through real struggle – job loss, deaths, illness.  But it was the everyday occurrences that I never really found myself empathizing with that has changed.  I feel bad for people going through heart break or family struggles.  I can sympathize with the feeling of loneliness and constant running around of life.  I no longer think my problems are any worse than others but rather feel connected to a community of people with similar and repeat issues.  Everyone has their own baggage.  Thinking about someone else’s walk has provided me for patience in my everyday activites.

5.      I am (more) easy going.

·         I am Type A personality.  There is no denying that.  But I’ve learned to keep my Type A personality to things where it is needed and to release it when it is not needed.  When I relax, I relax!  I don’t feel the need to make constant plans for each and every day.  When things go wrong, I can more easily roll with the punches.  My temper has dramatically subsided and things are much easier to keep in perspective.

6.      I am independent.

·         In three years I’ve come a long way.  I have my own apartment and I pay my own bills.  I’m a single puppy momma to a loving and well trained dog.  I can go to a bar and have dinner alone.  If I see an interesting event in the city, I am not afraid to attend alone.  I go to church regularly.  I make my own happiness a priority.

7.      I know I am loved.

·         How is that I got married and still had doubts about whether I was truly loved?  Maybe that was a huge sign that I should not have gotten married but hindsight is always 20:20.  Going through such a remarkable crisis allowed me to truly see who stood by me, supported me, and held me along the way.  Despite being single, I feel more loved now than I ever felt in that empty relationship. I am confident in my friendships and completely myself.  My support net is not only wide but deep.  The ones that love me do so unconditionally and without fail.  I am so glad I was rejected so that I could fully feel the other love that surrounded me.  Knowing I am loved by so many gives me confidence to know I will be loved again by someone special.

8.      I love myself.

·         One of the hardest lessons from my failed marriage was accepting my own mistakes and flaws which played into the divorce.  In retrospect, I was not happy (probably because I was with the wrong person!) and at times I was difficult to be around.  I thought my ex could make me feel loved without actually loving myself.  Now, I see myself through a different lenses and it is only because of my divorce.  I try to be a good friend to myself, I try to be supportive of myself and use positive language rather than a list of all the things I am not.  I am inherently kind, loyal, and passionate about becoming the best version of myself. 

9.      I stand taller.

·         Literally, I work on my posture much more now that I am single than when I was with someone.  But also figuratively, I feel so proud of my accomplishments in my legal profession and personal life and no longer feel trapped in someone’s shadow of success.

10.  I am faster.

·         In past two years, I’ve taken about a minute off my mile time and to me this matters.  I’m passionate about my health and appearance because it is important to me not because I want someone else’s praise/compliments.  I’ve learned what brings me enjoyment in exercising and find it to be a major stress reliever.  Gone are my days of competing and playing sports – running, jogging and pilates make me happy.   I’ve always been someone who exercised but in the past two years, I have really understood the massive mental health benefits that come from regular/consistent exercise and will always make it a priority in my life.

We broke up.

I want “that.”

                  After a few days of a drastic phase out from Mr. Intellect – slow responses to text messages, no more snap chats, no more phone calls, I quickly went into panic mode.  While I was not in love with Mr. Intellect, I still hate endings and I hate uncertainty.  The pure unknown of it all was giving me massive anxiety and I suddenly felt like I was flailing my arms for his attention.

                  I finally asked him to call me.  We spoke for about ten minutes, small talk with lots of laughing, and then the conversation grew quiet.  I pushed forward – “What’s going on with us?  I feel like you are pulling back and suddenly becoming distant.  If you don’t want to date me anymore, just tell me that.  Just say, I don’t want to date you anymore.  But you and I, Mr. Intellect, handle uncomfortable situations all the time with work and for 8 months have been entirely honest with each other, so just tell me if that is what you want.”

                “I want that.”  - Mr. Intellect, the communication major, was suddenly without words.  I was sad immediately and I am the emotional type, so I stifled some tears.  On the other hand, I was ready for this.  I had anticipated this.  It logically made sense, he was 90 minutes away in NYC and I was content as can be in Philadelphia.

                  

               With my new sense of maturity and confidence, I knew I didn’t want things to end with this weird conversation and me stifling tears.  I knew from the phase out this was coming and I knew he and I were way better and too mature for a simple phase out.

I took a deep breath and poured my heart.  I thank Mr. Intellect for everything he had done for me and told him I felt more whole now than when I began this relationship.  He had helped me rebuild my confidence and if I was completely honest, he had helped me come to better terms with my divorce and get over my ex.  He was such a wonderfully kind mature man, I was certain I could never date anyone under 30 ever again.  And gosh, he was sexy.  His muscles made me weak in the knees and I was so happy to have all of the fond memories that made my prior relationship look utterly unsatisfying in stark comparison. 

                He was really surprised with my kind words.  He said I was the nicest person he had ever broken up with and he really even hated ending things.  He confessed he had wanted to end things ever since he moved in March but each time we hung out it ended up being so fun that he didn’t have the nerve to call it off.  In this regard, I think he did me wrong.  He let me believe we had a future and even made plans to celebrate our birthdays together all the while knowing he was waiting to break up with me. 

                Mr. Intellect told me he had never dated anyone with such a pure kind soul and was confident I would exceed all expectations in my professional career.  He entered our relationship still caught on his ex and dealing with his own emotional struggles, and felt like I helped in along the way.  He felt more alive now than ever and thanked me for waking up parts of his body and soul.  He would certainly miss me but knew that with his love for NYC and my love for Philadelphia, it was better to end things before one of us got really hurt.

               I was feeling great about the conversation.  We both had given the other closure and praise. And then he asked, “Are you going to be okay, dear?”

              I suddenly couldn’t muffle the tears.  I couldn’t find the words to respond.  I took deep breaths but still had nothing intelligent to say back.  I laughed at my own emotional state and told him of course I would be okay but not today and maybe not tomorrow.  He had raised the standards for me in my life of what I want in a long term mate and I couldn’t deny a feeling of anxiety that I would never meet someone who would hold me so tight and loved cuddling more than me. 

             He laughed.  You are one of kind my dear and you will find someone who does all those things and more and at least likes Philadelphia ;).

              I don’t regret a thing about the relationship.  It was exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I am sad but not heart broken.  I am generally just bummed about the end but in my own way relieved of the burden of continuously driving up to NYC.  Summer has arrived and Philadelphia has endless possibilities of entertainment and fun.

              I will miss him though.  In the 3^rd snowiest winter of Philadelphia, he was my warm blanket.  He got me through my most dreaded season, he distracted me through another set of holidays single, and helped me regain my confidence.  I tried so many new things and feel like I’ve learned so much about myself in the process.

            When I first started dating again, my only goal was to date.  Just to get out there and meet new people and try new things.  I exceeded my goals.  I did so much more than that – I allowed myself to become vulnerable, I opened up to another person, I trusted another person, and I really finally got over my dumb lame man-child of an ex-husband.  I was honest with my feelings, I maintained my independence, I never chose Mr. Intellect over any of my friends, and I continued to put friends and family first. 

It’s over but I am going to be okay and now back to the dating scene. (who knows maybe my blog will become more interesting;)). 

P.s.  This article pretty much sums up exactly how I felt when people gave me these “comforting” words. http://thoughtcatalog.com/almie-rose/2014/04/5-things-you-absolutely-do-not-say-to-someone-who-just-got-dumped/