It took a while, but....

Get Over My Ex

Last year I took New Year’s Resolutions very seriously.  There was something beautiful to me about an entire year where I could set new goals and could try to put my life back together after so much destruction had taken place.  Entering into 2013, I had a great apartment that I knew would be mine for the entire year.  I had a great job which has potential for longevity and security.  I’ve got my darling puppy by my side, supportive friends, and a great deal of desire for happiness.

My number one resolution – Get over my ex.  Despite the fact that my divorce was finalized, I was still madly in love with my ex and ached at the thought of us not being together.  Now twelve months later, I am happy to report I do not love my ex. 

Although 2013 was much more stable for me than 2012, I still feel as though I’ve changed so much in the past year.  I started off the year craving my ex and pining for him to take me back.  He certainly did not make my life any easier with his constant contact and somewhat thoughtful gestures throughout the Spring. 

At the time my ex moved out of Philadelphia I thought we had achieved some sort of friendship and I had moved towards forgiveness with him.  He had even invited me to celebrate his PhD with his mom and best friend giving me this sincere toast about how I always helped him, motivated and supported him as he achieved his goals. 

One week after those words left his mouth, he moved away and completely ignored me.  After two months of dead silence, he mailed me a letter full of cold and cruel statements.  As far as he was concerned the story of us was entirely over and there was no way we could maintain any sort of friendship.  He went on to delineate how I should never contact him and there was nothing left to be said by either of us to each other.

When I read the letter I was once again taken to the floor with tears.  I sobbed and sobbed and called my friends, one at a time to tell them about his final blow to me.  I felt exhausted as I read the letter over and over again.  The letter was three short pages hand written in perfect penmanship. 

Nowhere in the entire letter did it acknowledge his affair or the heartbreak he had caused me.  It did not contain the word sorry except once in the final sentence, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.”  Oh what a total man child response.  What a joke?!

The letter makes me furious.  It was the ultimate controlling move.  It allowed him to say everything he wanted to say to me, make every final calculated remark and then forbid me to talk to him.  He didn’t even put a return address.  Void of a sincere apology and once again in the ultimate dig claiming that I wanted this superior man that he was incapable of being despite the fact he was unfaithful prior to our vows and again over and over!  He somehow was so delusion to think it was me that had standards that exceeded his.

After I got that letter it became much easier to get over my ex.  Suddenly he appeared much more like a serial killer or someone who would send ransom letters than a strong intelligent man that I had once loved.  He had an indescribably terrifying cold streak and I know that the love that I want is so much warmer than the love my ex was capable of.

I’ve had my fair share of enemies.  I’m sad to stay I’ve had broken friendships and unfortunate endings.  But there is not a single person in the entire world that I could ever think to put pen to paper and write a letter telling them they no longer had any place in my life or spot in my heart.  I am void of that coldness. 

Regardless of what my ex would claim are the reasons for those letters or the reasons he did the things he did, it is rooted in a selfish and controlling behaviors.  I can see now clear as day that a life with a man like that would have left me unfulfilled and empty.  I would rather go out and have hope in my heart that I can find the match for me than settle into someone who did not have that selfless love for me.

I do not love him anymore but I still miss and I am still sad about the way things ended and specifically the final things he did to me.  I often told my ex during our fights it was not the things he did or said, but the way he did them and the way he said them which hurt far more than I could explain. 

Last night I started to think of all the things I would say to my ex and I began to cry.  Despite what you may think, it is not a list of mean names or of all of his shortcomings.  I just wish we had ended things in a much more peaceful manner and acknowledged the good we had before it ended.  I wish he had told me kind things and told me that I was a good wife despite the fact he did not appreciate me.  I wish he had told me that I deserved a man that would be faithful to me and should not have had to forgive him for his mistakes.  It made my heart sink imaging him admit that he really did love me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

If he had said those things, I would have hugged him and told him I know.  I knew it was a mistake.  I know that I did not my fair share of things to cause the failure of our marriage.  I am sorry I wasn’t the best version of my past and I do not think he is an awful person.

After a few minutes of these surprising tears last night, I realized I am never going to get the chance.  I have to accept the apology I was never given and provide the forgiveness that I am just not sure I feel yet. 

New Year’s Day 2010 was when he proposed.  He got down on one knee, he had asked my parents permission, he had saved his money for a beautiful ring and he promised to be the one that took care of me for the rest of my life.  It is only natural for me to think of him around this time. 

But it is truly over and I can not carry my love for him any longer.  I am no where near that person I was when I accepted that proposal.  I am stronger, happier and much more compassionate person that I was back then.  This man has taken up far too much time of my life and caused me far too much pain. 

Tonight when the clock strikes midnight I want to feel more done with him than I’ve ever felt.  It took me a year to remove the final set of memories, to stop all contact, and to start to think about dating new people.  I do not want to cry over him anymore and I can honestly say I do not love him anymore. 

So thank you 2013 for providing me the time, space, and surroundings I needed to officially say Dear Ex, it is so so over.  I do not love you and I do not ever want to be with you! <3 One fabulous lady who is destined for happiness, warmth and lots of good things;)

 

Stronger than you think.

You are strong.

This was a sentence I heard over and over during my separation and ultimate divorce.  While my life felt destroyed and my heart was in a million pieces words of comfort came with a common theme – You are strong. 

When my family told me this, I became furious.  I was not strong.  I was crying every day.  I had lost my appetite.  My eyes sagged and my body hunched.  I ached all over and I felt anything but strong.

Then my friends started.  You are so strong.  Believe in yourself they said.  You are so much better off without him and in time you are going to see that.  You are doing great and you have already proven how strong you are. 

I was losing my mind.  I lost my apartment, I lost half my stuff, I lost my pet, my extended family, and most importantly my best friend.  There was so much loss in my life that I could barely pull myself to face another day.  It seemed like a task simply to breathe.

I cried in line at the post office and quickly explained my husband had an affair.  I cried in the bed, bath and beyond when the woman asked me my wedding date for the returns.  I cried when the dentist call me by my married name.  I cried in every bathroom at work.  I cried at my desk.  I cried on the beach with my friends.  I sobbed at restaurants, movies, and even my brothers National Junior Honor Society inductions.  I cried during runs, I cried in the shower, I cried on the floor, I cried in my bed, I cried in the car, I cried in Starbucks.  I cried hard.

I canceled plans, I missed birthdays, I forgot anniversaries, and I hid from most social outings. Sometimes I didn’t speak for hours and hours on end.  Other times, I panicked because the words wouldn’t stop flowing out.  I broke things, I yelled at people, I blamed the wrong people, I broke more things, and I was downright miserable.

Yet still people continued on and the message poured in from all directions, trust yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see you are very strong.  Over time things got easier and after the worst of the pain subsided a friend again consoled me and said she admired how strong I had been through the worst and darkest of times.

I battled back.  Why did everyone tell me that?  Why did people think I was so strong?

Well she said in those darkest of times did you ever want to take revenge on his mistress?  My response was obvious.  She continued did you ever want to hurt your ex?  Again, too obvious.  She pushed even further, during those darkest hours did you ever want to harm yourself?  Embarrassed, I admitted those thoughts had been present more quite often in those first few months.

She pushed on.  “But you didn’t do any of those things.  You got out of bed every single morning.  You pushed yourself to work, you let your friends help you, and you forced yourself to grow.  You didn’t let it beat you. You didn’t hurt him.  You didn’t go after her.  You didn’t hurt yourself – that’s big!”  As we continued to talk my friend went further saying she admired how I handled the situation and was amazed at the grace and kindness I had shown my ex during the darkest of times.

I will never forget that conversation on the beach with my dear friend.  I will never forget the words of comfort that streamed in during my darkest hours.  As the time comes to put 2013 behind us, I feel really strong.  I can look back and feel that the worst is finally over. 

During my darkest times, I had a tendency to tear myself down and focus on everything I was losing and doing wrong instead of the things I had accomplished and survived.  Now, I try to come from a place of gratitude and pride.  Looking back, it took all the strength I had sometimes just to get out of bed and go through the motions of a normal life. 

But I did it and I pushed and I moved forward.  I would encourage anyone going through a dark time to take pride in the small accomplishments.  On the inside, I was broken and crushed and yet I still presented an exterior that showed my friends and family that I was strong enough to survive.

I do not know what the future holds but I am optimistic I will find good things.  I am blessed to have a strong support network of a few close friends.  No matter the pain, I know I am strong enough to push through and survive. 

 

Baby it's cold outside

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

After not seeing Mr. Intellect for a few weeks, I was convinced things were going to end quietly and peacefully.  After weighing my options, I decided I owed Mr. Intellect the grown up version of a break-up but also the benefit of doubt too.  I had practiced a few things to say and settled that if we had another awkward moment, I would just suggest we no longer see each other. 

When I heard the knock on the door I was nervous in a different way than before.  Apprehensively, I put on a big smile and went to the door.  Immediately upon entrance, Mr. Intellect kissed me.  Kissed me in a way that made me feel missed.  Kissed me in a way that made my heart race.  He even did the whole hand in hair thing while kissing me. And suddenly I was nervous again about liking this guy.  After two lovely dates and lots more kissing, I am officially smitten all over again.

Maybe it was the onset of winter blues, maybe it’s the apprehension of actually liking someone or the pressure of the holidays, I can’t be sure what made me so adamant that it was over.  But I am sure that those aren't present anymore.

I am tired of over thinking each decision.  I am tired of waiting to get hurt rather than hoping to have fun.  I am tired of keeping walls up to keep me safe and settled.  Maybe Mr. Intellect is going to be a total jerk to me in two months, or maybe he is going to be a total sweetheart.  Maybe I will lose interest but maybe I won’t.  The problem with setting up the walls is I keep out the prospect of both the good and the bad. 

After my divorce, I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life.  I hold many regrets when it comes to my failed relationship, but one thing I regret the most is not appreciating the love between my ex and I when we had the love.  There are many times I think back to the time I spent with my ex and wonder why I didn’t appreciate him more or enjoy the situation more.  We did fabulous things together and he was good to me in a lot of ways and yet I did not appreciate him or appreciate the goodness that I had.

I don’t want to spend my life looking back and wishing I had more fun.  I want to experience the fun.  I am not exactly sure how to make myself happy but I know that I need to continue to put myself in a position to have fun which in turn will make my happy.

In sum, I am going to keep taking a chance.  I am going to keep enjoying the fact that a few times a month I can kiss a really good looking man.  His steady hands and constant compliments are healing to my bruised ego and good for my soul.  It is a long cold winter and someone to snuggle with is just too nice.

This Saturday night I am taking Mr. Intellect to his first musical show, Jersey Boys, playing here in Philadelphia.  We are going out to dinner first and I am super exited to get dressed up and go out on the town.  Who knows what the future brings but for right now I am going to just have fun and be happy.  One day at a time and enjoy it while I’ve got it.  When it brings me more pain/stress than fun and happiness I shall end it with gracefully.

 

 

Mr. Intellect and I....

What’s next?

Along with my winter blues and holiday struggles, I am having a difficult time evaluating what to do with Mr. Intellect.  Things progressed to a point where we’ve been dating now for about two months but I am not sure what to do next.  I enjoy spending time with him but I also miss my alone time.  I feel a bit strung out between work, my puppy, and Mr. Intellect and my mental health has been taking a toll.

Although I enjoy spending time with him and we are very compatible, there seems to be something missing between us.  Add to that, a few odd moments here and there, my thoughts of my ex, and suddenly I feel very empty inside. Part of me wants to end things but another equal part of me is scared to be entirely alone again.

As I’ve already said, I have little to no experience dating someone with no intentions of falling in love or getting married.  When I entered into this venture I said I wanted to find someone to spend some of my down time with and to really learn more about myself.  The biggest and most obvious goal is to completely get over my ex.  Kissing Mr. Intellect once a week certainly makes it easier to forget my ex.

But now, I’ve been thinking about my ex more and feeling less and less excited about Mr. Intellect.  I think I should catch and release except I am completely dreading having any sort of conversation with him about this.

How do we know when the time is right to end something?  How do I know whether this is a feeling that will pass or whether it’s time to take some me time? 

More so than the answers to these questions, I am having a constant back and forth in my head about whether I am always going to be this person now.  It took me a year to put my life back together and now I really enjoy my alone time.  I appreciate that my apartment can get messy but nobody will be there to see it.  I like spending my Friday nights in my yoga pants and eating chips and salsa for dinner. 

With the season being so busy,  the final push for hours at work before the new year, and many family obligations, I feel so tired all of the time.  Mr. Intellect is a great person and I am not sure whether to just give myself some time or broach the topic with him.  I just do not want to lead him on or cause anyone unnecessary pain.

 

 

 

 

As I continue to learn about myself and shake the dust off my dating skills, I guess this is the next step I need to conquer, releasing the catch back into the market.  Or maybe I won’t and I will continue to snuggle on these cold winter nights and wait until I am feeling more like myself.  I’ve taken a great bit of pride that I’ve been 100% honest with Mr. Intellect about my divorce and struggles with trust, so if starts to probe, I may just admit where I am at and let him make that decision too.

Time will tell what the future brings for us.  Right now, I am going to take it day by day and do some more focusing on making sure I get the things I need to be happy.  Lucky for me, this starts with a weekend in New York City to see my best friend from law school, followed by a night in Princeton with one of my other best friends!  Maybe all a girl needs is a good weekend with friends to really figure out what I want.

Tis the season

It's official the holiday season is upon us

Last year was my first round of holidays without my ex and they came and went with a dark cloud. On every holiday last year my ex texted me. Without fail came well wishes on Thanksgiving and Christmas. At 12:01 my New Years text arrived. He waited until late afternoon for Valentines Day and my birthday present arrived a day early at my office. For me the holidays were hard and even harder with this expectation or curiosity as to whether I would hear from my ex. 

My ex came from a lovely large Southern family. The holidays were a major event bringing family together and celebrating the accomplishments of everyone in between the holidays. I adored his mother, loved his aunts, and was always entertained by his uncles and cousins.  My family situation is almost the exact opposite with dinner being just myself, younger brother and parents. It's hard to not miss the excitement and fun I had at my ex's holiday celebrations. 

This year the message came around 7:30. "Happy Thanksgiving. Always wishing you and your family the best."  So simple and yet a total mind bomb for me. Here I am-Intelligent, independent and yet totally shaken to my core by this man. 

My friends rally around me and once again are overwhelmed with rage at this man. How dare he continue to put me on this roller coaster of up and downs. I need to tell him not to contact me anymore, they tell me.  Plus, after he wrote me a letter telling me this chapter was always closed and no friendship could survive, it makes my friends even angrier that he would still text me.

I can't help but think about him. I'm so curious as to why he sent the message. Did he think of me throughout the day in the same way his presence haunted me? Will we ever be completely out of each other's lives? Will there come a holiday where I am so happy with someone else that I won't ache for him? 

Maybe it's the text message. Maybe it's the winter blues. I've been off my game and feeling heavy. Although I've made so much progress since last year, I am still amazed by how much pain my divorce had caused in the deepest parts of my heart. As I learned time and time again, this feeling too shall pass. 

Regardless of his message, my ex does not care enough about me to be in my life anymore. He didn't value me. He didn't cherish me and he certainly cannot come back into my life. 

Although this season is hard, it is much better than last year.  To me this means, it will get easier with time.  The holidays can be a difficult time to be single and its important for me to come from a place of gratitude rather than pity.  There is no point in me fantasizing about the past holidays I had with me ex because he has made it more than obvious that my life with him would not have been filled with joyous celebrations.