Stronger than you think.

You are strong.

This was a sentence I heard over and over during my separation and ultimate divorce.  While my life felt destroyed and my heart was in a million pieces words of comfort came with a common theme – You are strong. 

When my family told me this, I became furious.  I was not strong.  I was crying every day.  I had lost my appetite.  My eyes sagged and my body hunched.  I ached all over and I felt anything but strong.

Then my friends started.  You are so strong.  Believe in yourself they said.  You are so much better off without him and in time you are going to see that.  You are doing great and you have already proven how strong you are. 

I was losing my mind.  I lost my apartment, I lost half my stuff, I lost my pet, my extended family, and most importantly my best friend.  There was so much loss in my life that I could barely pull myself to face another day.  It seemed like a task simply to breathe.

I cried in line at the post office and quickly explained my husband had an affair.  I cried in the bed, bath and beyond when the woman asked me my wedding date for the returns.  I cried when the dentist call me by my married name.  I cried in every bathroom at work.  I cried at my desk.  I cried on the beach with my friends.  I sobbed at restaurants, movies, and even my brothers National Junior Honor Society inductions.  I cried during runs, I cried in the shower, I cried on the floor, I cried in my bed, I cried in the car, I cried in Starbucks.  I cried hard.

I canceled plans, I missed birthdays, I forgot anniversaries, and I hid from most social outings. Sometimes I didn’t speak for hours and hours on end.  Other times, I panicked because the words wouldn’t stop flowing out.  I broke things, I yelled at people, I blamed the wrong people, I broke more things, and I was downright miserable.

Yet still people continued on and the message poured in from all directions, trust yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see you are very strong.  Over time things got easier and after the worst of the pain subsided a friend again consoled me and said she admired how strong I had been through the worst and darkest of times.

I battled back.  Why did everyone tell me that?  Why did people think I was so strong?

Well she said in those darkest of times did you ever want to take revenge on his mistress?  My response was obvious.  She continued did you ever want to hurt your ex?  Again, too obvious.  She pushed even further, during those darkest hours did you ever want to harm yourself?  Embarrassed, I admitted those thoughts had been present more quite often in those first few months.

She pushed on.  “But you didn’t do any of those things.  You got out of bed every single morning.  You pushed yourself to work, you let your friends help you, and you forced yourself to grow.  You didn’t let it beat you. You didn’t hurt him.  You didn’t go after her.  You didn’t hurt yourself – that’s big!”  As we continued to talk my friend went further saying she admired how I handled the situation and was amazed at the grace and kindness I had shown my ex during the darkest of times.

I will never forget that conversation on the beach with my dear friend.  I will never forget the words of comfort that streamed in during my darkest hours.  As the time comes to put 2013 behind us, I feel really strong.  I can look back and feel that the worst is finally over. 

During my darkest times, I had a tendency to tear myself down and focus on everything I was losing and doing wrong instead of the things I had accomplished and survived.  Now, I try to come from a place of gratitude and pride.  Looking back, it took all the strength I had sometimes just to get out of bed and go through the motions of a normal life. 

But I did it and I pushed and I moved forward.  I would encourage anyone going through a dark time to take pride in the small accomplishments.  On the inside, I was broken and crushed and yet I still presented an exterior that showed my friends and family that I was strong enough to survive.

I do not know what the future holds but I am optimistic I will find good things.  I am blessed to have a strong support network of a few close friends.  No matter the pain, I know I am strong enough to push through and survive.