It took a while, but....

Get Over My Ex

Last year I took New Year’s Resolutions very seriously.  There was something beautiful to me about an entire year where I could set new goals and could try to put my life back together after so much destruction had taken place.  Entering into 2013, I had a great apartment that I knew would be mine for the entire year.  I had a great job which has potential for longevity and security.  I’ve got my darling puppy by my side, supportive friends, and a great deal of desire for happiness.

My number one resolution – Get over my ex.  Despite the fact that my divorce was finalized, I was still madly in love with my ex and ached at the thought of us not being together.  Now twelve months later, I am happy to report I do not love my ex. 

Although 2013 was much more stable for me than 2012, I still feel as though I’ve changed so much in the past year.  I started off the year craving my ex and pining for him to take me back.  He certainly did not make my life any easier with his constant contact and somewhat thoughtful gestures throughout the Spring. 

At the time my ex moved out of Philadelphia I thought we had achieved some sort of friendship and I had moved towards forgiveness with him.  He had even invited me to celebrate his PhD with his mom and best friend giving me this sincere toast about how I always helped him, motivated and supported him as he achieved his goals. 

One week after those words left his mouth, he moved away and completely ignored me.  After two months of dead silence, he mailed me a letter full of cold and cruel statements.  As far as he was concerned the story of us was entirely over and there was no way we could maintain any sort of friendship.  He went on to delineate how I should never contact him and there was nothing left to be said by either of us to each other.

When I read the letter I was once again taken to the floor with tears.  I sobbed and sobbed and called my friends, one at a time to tell them about his final blow to me.  I felt exhausted as I read the letter over and over again.  The letter was three short pages hand written in perfect penmanship. 

Nowhere in the entire letter did it acknowledge his affair or the heartbreak he had caused me.  It did not contain the word sorry except once in the final sentence, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.”  Oh what a total man child response.  What a joke?!

The letter makes me furious.  It was the ultimate controlling move.  It allowed him to say everything he wanted to say to me, make every final calculated remark and then forbid me to talk to him.  He didn’t even put a return address.  Void of a sincere apology and once again in the ultimate dig claiming that I wanted this superior man that he was incapable of being despite the fact he was unfaithful prior to our vows and again over and over!  He somehow was so delusion to think it was me that had standards that exceeded his.

After I got that letter it became much easier to get over my ex.  Suddenly he appeared much more like a serial killer or someone who would send ransom letters than a strong intelligent man that I had once loved.  He had an indescribably terrifying cold streak and I know that the love that I want is so much warmer than the love my ex was capable of.

I’ve had my fair share of enemies.  I’m sad to stay I’ve had broken friendships and unfortunate endings.  But there is not a single person in the entire world that I could ever think to put pen to paper and write a letter telling them they no longer had any place in my life or spot in my heart.  I am void of that coldness. 

Regardless of what my ex would claim are the reasons for those letters or the reasons he did the things he did, it is rooted in a selfish and controlling behaviors.  I can see now clear as day that a life with a man like that would have left me unfulfilled and empty.  I would rather go out and have hope in my heart that I can find the match for me than settle into someone who did not have that selfless love for me.

I do not love him anymore but I still miss and I am still sad about the way things ended and specifically the final things he did to me.  I often told my ex during our fights it was not the things he did or said, but the way he did them and the way he said them which hurt far more than I could explain. 

Last night I started to think of all the things I would say to my ex and I began to cry.  Despite what you may think, it is not a list of mean names or of all of his shortcomings.  I just wish we had ended things in a much more peaceful manner and acknowledged the good we had before it ended.  I wish he had told me kind things and told me that I was a good wife despite the fact he did not appreciate me.  I wish he had told me that I deserved a man that would be faithful to me and should not have had to forgive him for his mistakes.  It made my heart sink imaging him admit that he really did love me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

If he had said those things, I would have hugged him and told him I know.  I knew it was a mistake.  I know that I did not my fair share of things to cause the failure of our marriage.  I am sorry I wasn’t the best version of my past and I do not think he is an awful person.

After a few minutes of these surprising tears last night, I realized I am never going to get the chance.  I have to accept the apology I was never given and provide the forgiveness that I am just not sure I feel yet. 

New Year’s Day 2010 was when he proposed.  He got down on one knee, he had asked my parents permission, he had saved his money for a beautiful ring and he promised to be the one that took care of me for the rest of my life.  It is only natural for me to think of him around this time. 

But it is truly over and I can not carry my love for him any longer.  I am no where near that person I was when I accepted that proposal.  I am stronger, happier and much more compassionate person that I was back then.  This man has taken up far too much time of my life and caused me far too much pain. 

Tonight when the clock strikes midnight I want to feel more done with him than I’ve ever felt.  It took me a year to remove the final set of memories, to stop all contact, and to start to think about dating new people.  I do not want to cry over him anymore and I can honestly say I do not love him anymore. 

So thank you 2013 for providing me the time, space, and surroundings I needed to officially say Dear Ex, it is so so over.  I do not love you and I do not ever want to be with you! <3 One fabulous lady who is destined for happiness, warmth and lots of good things;)