Baby it's cold outside

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

After not seeing Mr. Intellect for a few weeks, I was convinced things were going to end quietly and peacefully.  After weighing my options, I decided I owed Mr. Intellect the grown up version of a break-up but also the benefit of doubt too.  I had practiced a few things to say and settled that if we had another awkward moment, I would just suggest we no longer see each other. 

When I heard the knock on the door I was nervous in a different way than before.  Apprehensively, I put on a big smile and went to the door.  Immediately upon entrance, Mr. Intellect kissed me.  Kissed me in a way that made me feel missed.  Kissed me in a way that made my heart race.  He even did the whole hand in hair thing while kissing me. And suddenly I was nervous again about liking this guy.  After two lovely dates and lots more kissing, I am officially smitten all over again.

Maybe it was the onset of winter blues, maybe it’s the apprehension of actually liking someone or the pressure of the holidays, I can’t be sure what made me so adamant that it was over.  But I am sure that those aren't present anymore.

I am tired of over thinking each decision.  I am tired of waiting to get hurt rather than hoping to have fun.  I am tired of keeping walls up to keep me safe and settled.  Maybe Mr. Intellect is going to be a total jerk to me in two months, or maybe he is going to be a total sweetheart.  Maybe I will lose interest but maybe I won’t.  The problem with setting up the walls is I keep out the prospect of both the good and the bad. 

After my divorce, I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life.  I hold many regrets when it comes to my failed relationship, but one thing I regret the most is not appreciating the love between my ex and I when we had the love.  There are many times I think back to the time I spent with my ex and wonder why I didn’t appreciate him more or enjoy the situation more.  We did fabulous things together and he was good to me in a lot of ways and yet I did not appreciate him or appreciate the goodness that I had.

I don’t want to spend my life looking back and wishing I had more fun.  I want to experience the fun.  I am not exactly sure how to make myself happy but I know that I need to continue to put myself in a position to have fun which in turn will make my happy.

In sum, I am going to keep taking a chance.  I am going to keep enjoying the fact that a few times a month I can kiss a really good looking man.  His steady hands and constant compliments are healing to my bruised ego and good for my soul.  It is a long cold winter and someone to snuggle with is just too nice.

This Saturday night I am taking Mr. Intellect to his first musical show, Jersey Boys, playing here in Philadelphia.  We are going out to dinner first and I am super exited to get dressed up and go out on the town.  Who knows what the future brings but for right now I am going to just have fun and be happy.  One day at a time and enjoy it while I’ve got it.  When it brings me more pain/stress than fun and happiness I shall end it with gracefully.