Tis the season

It's official the holiday season is upon us

Last year was my first round of holidays without my ex and they came and went with a dark cloud. On every holiday last year my ex texted me. Without fail came well wishes on Thanksgiving and Christmas. At 12:01 my New Years text arrived. He waited until late afternoon for Valentines Day and my birthday present arrived a day early at my office. For me the holidays were hard and even harder with this expectation or curiosity as to whether I would hear from my ex. 

My ex came from a lovely large Southern family. The holidays were a major event bringing family together and celebrating the accomplishments of everyone in between the holidays. I adored his mother, loved his aunts, and was always entertained by his uncles and cousins.  My family situation is almost the exact opposite with dinner being just myself, younger brother and parents. It's hard to not miss the excitement and fun I had at my ex's holiday celebrations. 

This year the message came around 7:30. "Happy Thanksgiving. Always wishing you and your family the best."  So simple and yet a total mind bomb for me. Here I am-Intelligent, independent and yet totally shaken to my core by this man. 

My friends rally around me and once again are overwhelmed with rage at this man. How dare he continue to put me on this roller coaster of up and downs. I need to tell him not to contact me anymore, they tell me.  Plus, after he wrote me a letter telling me this chapter was always closed and no friendship could survive, it makes my friends even angrier that he would still text me.

I can't help but think about him. I'm so curious as to why he sent the message. Did he think of me throughout the day in the same way his presence haunted me? Will we ever be completely out of each other's lives? Will there come a holiday where I am so happy with someone else that I won't ache for him? 

Maybe it's the text message. Maybe it's the winter blues. I've been off my game and feeling heavy. Although I've made so much progress since last year, I am still amazed by how much pain my divorce had caused in the deepest parts of my heart. As I learned time and time again, this feeling too shall pass. 

Regardless of his message, my ex does not care enough about me to be in my life anymore. He didn't value me. He didn't cherish me and he certainly cannot come back into my life. 

Although this season is hard, it is much better than last year.  To me this means, it will get easier with time.  The holidays can be a difficult time to be single and its important for me to come from a place of gratitude rather than pity.  There is no point in me fantasizing about the past holidays I had with me ex because he has made it more than obvious that my life with him would not have been filled with joyous celebrations.