Keep Calm and Run On

Running releases so much more than just sweat

Lately I’ve been running more and more often.  Things in my career and personal life are both proceeding at a demanding and rapid pace and there is something soothing to me about running my thoughts out in the streets of Philadelphia.  I have always been someone who enjoyed exercising and staying physically fit, but was never someone who really loved running until the year my marriage ended.

As the New Year approached, it became more and more obvious of the underlying issues in my marriage.  Now with the pleasure of hindsight I can more fully look back and evaluate the clear timeline that occurred.  In January my husband told me he did not love me and more e-mails, text messages, and interactions were uncovered between my ex and his mistress.  By February, things had heated to us living separate in our open loft with a time scheduled to not see each other and by March he asked me to move out of our apartment. 

At the same time, my friend and I had made a New Year’s Resolution to participate in the Broad Street 10 Miles Run in Philadelphia.  Neither of us were runners at heart and both a bit weary of the idea for running for more than an hour.  We consulted with a running expert and were given a detailed schedule and work out plan.  On we went beginning at 2 miles in the first weeks of January and working ourselves up to 7-8 miles in April.

In these months, my love affair with running began.  My friend and I quickly became much closer and she was such a great resource as my marriage crumbled by my side.  She would arrive at my house and I would be a bucket of tears telling her of the latest text message I had found between my ex and the other woman.  We would talk about it for a few minutes – stretch – and then just run.  We both prefer to run with headphones and it was easy for me to get lost in thoughts as there was so much on my mind.

There was something perfect about running for me at that time in my life.  I remember sometimes I would focus on one specific thought for the entire forty minutes I ran.  I would boil over how angry I was with my ex and say to myself for forty straight minutes you get to tell him off every way possible in your head and then you are done for the entire night.  Sometimes my friend could easily tell this was my strategy as I could be practically sprinting with a look of anger and disgust on my face for miles and miles and miles.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself that every mile I ran was one mile further from my divorce.  Each miles completed was one more thing I had done on my own and would not have done if I remained in that toxic marriage any longer.  I was convinced that if my body became physically strong that my mental health would soon follow and I could learn to cope with all of the feelings of sadness, rejection, and shame.

I ran 6 races following my divorce.  I ran with my younger brother, I ran with my best friends, and I ran alone.  I ran competitively and I ran for run.  I ran through color, ran through mud, and ran through zombies.  I can easily say now I do enjoy running although will never really identify myself as a runner at heart.  I do not run fast and have no dreams or desires to ever complete a marathon.

But during a time in my life when I felt powerless and weak, my legs carried me along and demonstrated just how much they could handle.  When I was jogging down Broad Street for the ten miler, I felt a sense of pride that was extremely rejuvenating at a time when I had felt so much shame.

Fall has always been my favorite time to run.  The cool breeze in your face, the leaves changing colors, and people trying to enjoy the temperatures outside before winter arrives.  I’ve particularly grown to enjoy running in the city and down the Ben Franklin Parkway past the museum to boathouse row on Kelly Drive.

I’ve been running alone lately and although I am not going through a divorce now, I still find running great for my mental health.  Things with Mr. Intellect are proceeding well but I am constantly struggling internally with what I feel and what I want to feel.  Running lets me process some of what’s happening with no other distractions.  On the other hand, running lets me jam out to Katy Perry and remember just how strong I am and everything I’ve been through.

Although it can be difficult with such a fast paced life and busy social schedules but I truly believe that staying physically fit is not only healthy for your body but beneficial to your mind.  I know for me in times of confusion or sadness, running has always been a comforting activity.  I can never look back and say – man I really regret that run – never happens.

I am becoming quite the jogger these days and although I would like to say it is because I am in such great shape and become super fit, but honestly I think it is more because I am really taking on a lot mentally and my mind needs the time to process. 

How do I let myself become more vulnerable with someone else?  How do I find time for a new person in my life when I have already filled my life with so many other friendships and activities?  What do I really want? 

I’ll let you know more in after I jog a few more miles ;)