I'm divorced....

I’m divorced…

I successfully told Mr. Intellect I am divorced.  It was terrifying. 

He arrived at my house around 7:00 p.m. and we ordered dinner immediately from my favorite sushi place.  Delivery since it was a week night and I knew I needed to get to bed early. I tried to relax and act normal around him but I could barely stand the anticipation. 

I am usually someone who is very quick with a response and articulate.  However, I was stuttering and stammering up a storm.  I could barely hold a normal conversation for fear I would just blurt the words right out of my mouth.  I was delaying until we were finished with dinner.  It seems mean to send a hungry man away from my house if he wanted to leave.

Finally an opportune moment came and the words poured out of me.  Of course despite my many recommendations to the contrary, I started off by saying, “I’ve got something to tell you…” and then I froze.  My palms were noticeably sweating, my hands twitching, and my words shaky.  He looks terrified.  What could I have to say that was so bad?  My mouth was sudden dry and I could not bring myself to say it but finally I pushed it out…

“My ex is actually my ex-husband.  Everything I’ve told you is true accept I prefer the word affair to cheat since we were very married when he did what he did to me.  I generally do not like to talk about it because it is extremely embarrassing.  I was literally engaged twice as long as my actual marriage lasted.  In hindsight, we should never have gotten married.  We were terrible incompatible but it all seemed right at the time.”

Mr. Intellect, “Oh.  Well no big deal.  I am glad you told me.  Is that why you have been acting so strange?”

Me: “What? No big deal.  Yes big deal we need to discuss. Answers questions and move on.  And yes that’s obviously why I’ve been so scared.”

Mr. Intellect: “Did you think I would care? Did you think I would leave? Obviously we aren’t kids anymore.  We both have pasts. I can understand why you would feel embarrassed. But next time please don’t wait an hour and half to tell me something that is so clearly on your mind.”

I went on to tell him a few more details - where we met, the timeline of our relationship, and more importantly the timeline of our separation.  It wasn’t easy to talk about and it felt terrible personal.  However, it’s one more step towards moving forward.  I did not cry although I came very close at one point.

I carry my divorce like a scar.  I am ashamed of my divorce and I know I shouldn’t be.  I know there was nothing I did or could have done to save my marriage.  But it does not change the fact that I am still ashamed.  Coming clean to Mr. Intellect is one more step towards not feeling so ashamed.  And he took it so well.  I will not wait to tell the next person I date that I was divorced.  I think this was a major step in me being less embarrassed by my divorce.  And it’s the first time I told someone I really liked and was dating.  That first time will never happen again and when you are conquering a divorce getting pasts the firsts is extremely important.  Much like grieving the death of a person, the failure of a marriage lingers throughout the first year with the first birthday alone, the first Christmas apart,etc.  I’ve added one more first to my list and it won’t ever be as bad as it was that time.

And guys…….he still likes me ;)  even as a young love crazed divorcee ;) ;)