It stings.

                                    What was that?

I am really surprised by how much I’ve been missing Mr. Intellect.  About two weeks after breaking up with me, Mr. Intellect began texting me again telling me he missed me and wanted to get together one more time.  While there was a part of me that suspected I should not agree, that part was quickly quieted by the ever desire to want to kiss him one more time! 

He came down the night before my birthday and we had another great time.  We went to a restaurant and laughed about how many times we have frequented it over the past eight months.  We ordered appetizers, dinner, and dessert.  I kept finding myself staring at him while he did everything.  While he read the menu, while he ordered his drink, while he devoured the dessert and was so overwhelmed by strong feelings for him.  The attraction was driving me insane.  I just kept admiring him.

After he left, I was completely mind bombed.  I could not stop thinking about him and worse I was suddenly being eaten with these feelings that I had never actually shared these feelings with him.  He had moved away and starting dating other women, and I never even told him I wanted a future with him.  But to be honest, months earlier, I had no idea what I wanted.  But now sitting across from the table from him, I knew I wanted to be with him.

Torn with these feelings, I decided to lay it on the table.  A few nights later – after a few glasses of wine, I called him and nervously told him how I felt.  While he readily acknowledged he shared similar feelings for me there was no conclusive so we should get back together.  In fact, there was a complete void of commitment or movement towards these feelings.  The next night he came back down for unbeknownst to me one final rendezvous. 

When I left my apartment and said good bye, something deep in my more core knew I probably would not see him again.  A few days later, I realized he was dating someone else and they looked a little more serious than I had originally realized. He sent me to messages and it was all too obvious what had happen.  While I was angry, I was also incredibly hurt.

This is the hardest part of dating and the hardest part of being vulnerable.  I laid it out there and I was rejected – as simple as that.  While I am sad, I am not regretful.  In fact, just the opposite, I am actually proud of myself.  I met a great guy, he treated me wonderfully, and eventually I was able to take down my walls and tell him how much I cared about him.

I am not sure if I was in love with Mr. Intellect but I am certain I could have fallen in love with him if we had continued dating.  It's amazing to look back upon the nine months we dated and notice all of the changes in myself.  In some ways, I barely feel like the same woman.  While obvious things haven't changed, I feel like I've become a more authentic version of myself and have become more independent and happier than ever before remembered. 

He taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to be myself all of the time. I learned what I like, what I can tolerate, and what I want in my future partner.  He was confident, sexy, and supportive.  We laughed and never argued.  

I am scared I won’t ever meet someone like him again but also hopeful that one day I am going to be happily and madly in love again.  There were so many qualities about him that have elevated my expectations from a partner.  But there were so many things unique to him that make me equally as doubtful.  A year ago, I was still worried I would never fall in love and reluctant to the idea of marrying a second time.  Now, I am certain I will be in love again and confident (albeit could be a long time from now) that I will be married again.

He taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to be myself all of the time.  I learned what I like, what I can tolerate, and what I want in my future partner.  And after many, many bottles of red wine, I can say this quote resonates with me more now than ever.

I hope the day comes soon where I don’t crave him as much as I do now.  As much as it hurts now, I am happy to have put myself out there and had the opportunity to date such a mature man.  It was eye opening to date someone who was so supportive of my career and made me realize how great that is to have.  I loved that we could watch old black and white movies, Rent, and discuss recent Ted talks.  He could quote famous authors and comment on current events.  He was an amazing cuddler and provided endless warmth through a cold winter.  He allowed me to feel entirely shameless about my divorce and saw the positive ways my divorce had changed me. He was by far the sexiest man I have ever been with and gave me high expectations that I can meet someone who works out more than me!

He raised the bar.

I will miss him.  But I know - this too shall pass.  

A more positive outlook

21 Day Challenge

              I’m taking the 21 day challenge!  Well, a modified version if you will.  This idea stems from Shawn Anchor awesome Ted talk (check out link below) where he argues we can train our brains to see the positives in things. 

http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work

          He discusses the general view of happiness as something we will have once we achieve a benchmark – a better education, job, house, condo, a better relationship, more friends, more billable hours, more money – but once we achieve it, we move the bar again by thinking what we must now achieve to be happy.  I am so guilty of constantly moving the benchmark.  I am happy I met my hours, but what if I could bill more?  Instead of taking time to celebrate my achievement, I am already thinking of the next goal.  This can set you up for a life of disappointment and dissatisfaction. 

Anchor’s idea’s really resonated with me and he has had much success teaching his strategies in business across the world. 

Below is my 21 day challenge starting today.  I will keep you posted of the results ;)

1                           1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day. 

2                           2. Write for 2 minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours.

·          This strategy helps transform you from a task based thinking to a meaning based thinker who scans the world for meaning rather than end of to-do list.

3                         3.   Meditate for 2 minutes

·         Focus on breathing going in and out.

4                        4. Write one quick email/text first thing in the morning thank or praising someone in your life.

         From June 1 – June 21 I am going to try this every day! My modified approach is going to be text/typing my 3 new things I am grateful and moment a day.  I know writing is better but some days I just won’t make it to my journal.  I am really hoping that by the end, I am trained to see more beauty in life and can further develop a positive outlook.  

In the words of Shawn Anchor, not only will this “create ripples of positive but create a real revolution.”

Three Years Ago...

Three years ago today I was married.   While this date marks a somewhat bleak memory for me, I am proud of the person I’ve become and the life I have created.  I am the way I am because of the things I went through.  Now three years later, I am most amazed not in the way my life has changed but in the ways that I have changed as an individual.

1.      I am stronger.

·         Both physically and mentally.  My arms, legs, and abs are stronger than three years ago but more importantly mentally I feel strong.  When I was with my ex, so much of my mood/energy was spent try to please him that I lost myself and lost ability to care for myself.  Emotionally I feel more stable than ever and stronger enough to handle what comes before me.  In a lot of ways, I can say, well it can’t be as bad as that time my ex…and man he left the list so open with all the awful things he did to me in the final six months of our relationships.  If I got through that hellish battle without harming him or myself, I can handle what comes next.

2.      I am stylish.

·         Okay – I am not really stylish but I’ve embraced my style.  My ex was flashy/trendy/and oh so cool.  It made me feel this pressure to wear certain things or highlight my inability to choose outfits/items that flattered me. I may not be stylish now but I am comfortable in my choices.  Still torn between I’m too old for that outfit but too young for shorts than long, I’ve found myself choosing more mature and flattering items.  I know my body shape, I know what works, I know what makes me feel sexy inside, and I know the difference between when I should and should not wear a certain item. 

3.      I am more decisive.

·         Decisions have always plagued me.  I blame it on the left side of my brain/ analytical side.  I had/have a tendency to overthink my decisions and would have “buyers remorse” even if it was not a purchase, regretting a night out or a decision to go out to dinner.  While I still can overthink a decision, I have learned to trust myself more.  Trust that I will make a good decision or that the decision is final and just roll with the punches.  This is a much better way to live.

4.      I am empathetic.

·         This was huge for me.  I was always empathetic to people going through real struggle – job loss, deaths, illness.  But it was the everyday occurrences that I never really found myself empathizing with that has changed.  I feel bad for people going through heart break or family struggles.  I can sympathize with the feeling of loneliness and constant running around of life.  I no longer think my problems are any worse than others but rather feel connected to a community of people with similar and repeat issues.  Everyone has their own baggage.  Thinking about someone else’s walk has provided me for patience in my everyday activites.

5.      I am (more) easy going.

·         I am Type A personality.  There is no denying that.  But I’ve learned to keep my Type A personality to things where it is needed and to release it when it is not needed.  When I relax, I relax!  I don’t feel the need to make constant plans for each and every day.  When things go wrong, I can more easily roll with the punches.  My temper has dramatically subsided and things are much easier to keep in perspective.

6.      I am independent.

·         In three years I’ve come a long way.  I have my own apartment and I pay my own bills.  I’m a single puppy momma to a loving and well trained dog.  I can go to a bar and have dinner alone.  If I see an interesting event in the city, I am not afraid to attend alone.  I go to church regularly.  I make my own happiness a priority.

7.      I know I am loved.

·         How is that I got married and still had doubts about whether I was truly loved?  Maybe that was a huge sign that I should not have gotten married but hindsight is always 20:20.  Going through such a remarkable crisis allowed me to truly see who stood by me, supported me, and held me along the way.  Despite being single, I feel more loved now than I ever felt in that empty relationship. I am confident in my friendships and completely myself.  My support net is not only wide but deep.  The ones that love me do so unconditionally and without fail.  I am so glad I was rejected so that I could fully feel the other love that surrounded me.  Knowing I am loved by so many gives me confidence to know I will be loved again by someone special.

8.      I love myself.

·         One of the hardest lessons from my failed marriage was accepting my own mistakes and flaws which played into the divorce.  In retrospect, I was not happy (probably because I was with the wrong person!) and at times I was difficult to be around.  I thought my ex could make me feel loved without actually loving myself.  Now, I see myself through a different lenses and it is only because of my divorce.  I try to be a good friend to myself, I try to be supportive of myself and use positive language rather than a list of all the things I am not.  I am inherently kind, loyal, and passionate about becoming the best version of myself. 

9.      I stand taller.

·         Literally, I work on my posture much more now that I am single than when I was with someone.  But also figuratively, I feel so proud of my accomplishments in my legal profession and personal life and no longer feel trapped in someone’s shadow of success.

10.  I am faster.

·         In past two years, I’ve taken about a minute off my mile time and to me this matters.  I’m passionate about my health and appearance because it is important to me not because I want someone else’s praise/compliments.  I’ve learned what brings me enjoyment in exercising and find it to be a major stress reliever.  Gone are my days of competing and playing sports – running, jogging and pilates make me happy.   I’ve always been someone who exercised but in the past two years, I have really understood the massive mental health benefits that come from regular/consistent exercise and will always make it a priority in my life.

We broke up.

I want “that.”

                  After a few days of a drastic phase out from Mr. Intellect – slow responses to text messages, no more snap chats, no more phone calls, I quickly went into panic mode.  While I was not in love with Mr. Intellect, I still hate endings and I hate uncertainty.  The pure unknown of it all was giving me massive anxiety and I suddenly felt like I was flailing my arms for his attention.

                  I finally asked him to call me.  We spoke for about ten minutes, small talk with lots of laughing, and then the conversation grew quiet.  I pushed forward – “What’s going on with us?  I feel like you are pulling back and suddenly becoming distant.  If you don’t want to date me anymore, just tell me that.  Just say, I don’t want to date you anymore.  But you and I, Mr. Intellect, handle uncomfortable situations all the time with work and for 8 months have been entirely honest with each other, so just tell me if that is what you want.”

                “I want that.”  - Mr. Intellect, the communication major, was suddenly without words.  I was sad immediately and I am the emotional type, so I stifled some tears.  On the other hand, I was ready for this.  I had anticipated this.  It logically made sense, he was 90 minutes away in NYC and I was content as can be in Philadelphia.

                  

               With my new sense of maturity and confidence, I knew I didn’t want things to end with this weird conversation and me stifling tears.  I knew from the phase out this was coming and I knew he and I were way better and too mature for a simple phase out.

I took a deep breath and poured my heart.  I thank Mr. Intellect for everything he had done for me and told him I felt more whole now than when I began this relationship.  He had helped me rebuild my confidence and if I was completely honest, he had helped me come to better terms with my divorce and get over my ex.  He was such a wonderfully kind mature man, I was certain I could never date anyone under 30 ever again.  And gosh, he was sexy.  His muscles made me weak in the knees and I was so happy to have all of the fond memories that made my prior relationship look utterly unsatisfying in stark comparison. 

                He was really surprised with my kind words.  He said I was the nicest person he had ever broken up with and he really even hated ending things.  He confessed he had wanted to end things ever since he moved in March but each time we hung out it ended up being so fun that he didn’t have the nerve to call it off.  In this regard, I think he did me wrong.  He let me believe we had a future and even made plans to celebrate our birthdays together all the while knowing he was waiting to break up with me. 

                Mr. Intellect told me he had never dated anyone with such a pure kind soul and was confident I would exceed all expectations in my professional career.  He entered our relationship still caught on his ex and dealing with his own emotional struggles, and felt like I helped in along the way.  He felt more alive now than ever and thanked me for waking up parts of his body and soul.  He would certainly miss me but knew that with his love for NYC and my love for Philadelphia, it was better to end things before one of us got really hurt.

               I was feeling great about the conversation.  We both had given the other closure and praise. And then he asked, “Are you going to be okay, dear?”

              I suddenly couldn’t muffle the tears.  I couldn’t find the words to respond.  I took deep breaths but still had nothing intelligent to say back.  I laughed at my own emotional state and told him of course I would be okay but not today and maybe not tomorrow.  He had raised the standards for me in my life of what I want in a long term mate and I couldn’t deny a feeling of anxiety that I would never meet someone who would hold me so tight and loved cuddling more than me. 

             He laughed.  You are one of kind my dear and you will find someone who does all those things and more and at least likes Philadelphia ;).

              I don’t regret a thing about the relationship.  It was exactly what I needed when I needed it.  I am sad but not heart broken.  I am generally just bummed about the end but in my own way relieved of the burden of continuously driving up to NYC.  Summer has arrived and Philadelphia has endless possibilities of entertainment and fun.

              I will miss him though.  In the 3^rd snowiest winter of Philadelphia, he was my warm blanket.  He got me through my most dreaded season, he distracted me through another set of holidays single, and helped me regain my confidence.  I tried so many new things and feel like I’ve learned so much about myself in the process.

            When I first started dating again, my only goal was to date.  Just to get out there and meet new people and try new things.  I exceeded my goals.  I did so much more than that – I allowed myself to become vulnerable, I opened up to another person, I trusted another person, and I really finally got over my dumb lame man-child of an ex-husband.  I was honest with my feelings, I maintained my independence, I never chose Mr. Intellect over any of my friends, and I continued to put friends and family first. 

It’s over but I am going to be okay and now back to the dating scene. (who knows maybe my blog will become more interesting;)). 

P.s.  This article pretty much sums up exactly how I felt when people gave me these “comforting” words. http://thoughtcatalog.com/almie-rose/2014/04/5-things-you-absolutely-do-not-say-to-someone-who-just-got-dumped/

Do not hurt my brother!

Sibling Love

Without a doubt the most beloved person in my life is my younger brother. I have two siblings, a sister ten years older and a brother thirteen years younger. Our age gap is not by mistake or design but the result of long battle with infertility treatments.

My brother has always been important to me and I've tried to maintain a very close relationship. When he was younger I would take him to the zoo or the park. As he got older we went started attending sporting events together and I am often cheering him on at his soccer, basketball or baseball games.  I take the role of big sister very important and always try to be a positive influence and provide exciting experiences.

No surprise my ex and my brother also had a close relationship. My brother was in our wedding and excited to have a brother in law.  Looking back though I can say that when I was with my ex for five straight years all activities with my brother became threesomes instead of the original bro/sis dynamic. And if I am being very honest, in some ways I outsourced sisterly responsibilities to my ex, encouraging them to do boy games at the beach or allowing my ex to provide tutoring or school guidance. I had always encouraged my ex to play the big brother and take pride in having a younger sibling. My family welcomed him with open arms and my brother even admired him.

The year I was divorced my brother was in 7th grade - just about to turn 13. Shortly after my divorce was filed my brother and I were at a Phillies game when he told me he was sent to guidance counselor earlier that week. I was immediately alarmed and demanded to know what happen. After a great deal of negotiations my brother admitted he had been crying in his classes because he was so sad I was getting divorced. Suddenly my heart broke in a different way. It was my job as older sister to protect my brother from pain and here my marriages failure was causing him anguish. 

For weeks I was haunted by this conversation. I felt so responsible for hurting my brother and so embarassed at the type of sister I had been. I didn't feel like a strong role model and I was ashamed. I was giving him poor lessons on love and romance.  I was falling apart right before his eyes.

After many sessions with my therapist and long conversations with my friends - I began to forgive myself for my sisterly shortcomings. I realized I had an opportunity to show my brother true vulnerability and honesty. I had no idea how I would get out of my depression but I believed some day in the future it may end and my brother could see hope in me. I also realized it was okay to show my brother my pain and instead of stifling tears I just had to accept he was no longer shielded from the situation. He was hurt too and the only part of me left was the raw broken body. 

My brother matured that summer in between 7th and 8th grade and our relationships morphed into more of a friendship than sibling bond. I cried my eyes out in front of him. I told him I was sorry he had been hurt. I remember one walk on the beach where I confessed I was scared I would never be married again and never be a mom. He always looked uncomfortable when I said these things and he just sort of shrugged and said he knew it wasn't true. How? How did he know? When would I be okay? "I just do," he would say. "It's just you. You are going to be okay and everyone knows it accept for you." I can't forget the calmness and naiveness in his voice. 

After escaping the worst of the depression I was angry at the time my ex had stolen from my brother and I. I had so few memories from the time we dated that were dedicated only to my brother and I. I made it my goal in 2013 to do something fun with my brother once a month. And I easily successed - with doing more than 12 fun things in the year. I am still very formulaic and at start of each month I write on my calendar my activity with my brother to be sure it makes it there. Otherwise I know time will pass too quickly and I refuse to allow myself to lose out on any more times with just he and I. 

Although I was devastated my ex acted so selfishly and hurt my family, I am also grateful that I haven't lost any more time with my brother. I take my sisterly duties very seriously and have forged a bond with my brother that will only grow in the future.

My ex was an only child (also a man child - see previously post;)).  While I know there are plenty of only children who aren't selfish, I must say my ex was extremely selfish and I think much of this was because he was an only child.  He did not understand what it meant to love a sibling - he didn't have any bonds forged.  He did not understand the selfless love you can have for someone else just based on the fact that you are siblings. 

I don't think I can ever date someone again who is an only child.  While I try not to hold onto steadfast rules or 'deal breakers', I know I need someone who understand the sibling love.  In the future, I will not look for a man to come in and be a brother to my brother.  Instead, I am looking for a man who will encourage and foster my relationship with my brother.  A man that understand that sibling love trumps logic sometimes or financial sense - there are thing you have to do for your sibling purely out of the unexplainable love. 

Accepting my shame and the role I played in my past was a big step for me.  Becoming a sister that I am proud to be was an even bigger step.  There is no doubt in my mind that my brother knows he is the most important person in my world and I am proud of myself for showing him that on a monthly basis. I beat my depression, I've shown him my strength, and most of all I've shown him my vulnerability and my wounds. 

Despite thirteen years age gap, he is a wise fourteen year old and very good friend to me. 

March Update

Fast forward….

Fast forward to present situation.  Mr. Intellect and I had a wonderful winter – we drank so many bottles of wine, ordered sushi, watched movies, went dancing, and more and more I found myself shedding my old worries and embracing my true self.  I feel like I’ve been the most authentic version of myself and am happy and pleased with the way he treated me and the way I treated him.  I can look back with no regrets at way I handled things with him.

In December, he mentioned he would likely be moving March 1 to NYC.  He was commuting to NYC for work already and long term he needed to be in NYC.  At the time he told me I was still uncertain about our future and offered support but didn’t really express any emotions about the move.  I was supportive stating his commute would be much more manageable after he moved.

He never mentioned it again until Valentine’s Day.  2 weeks before his move date he reminded me that he planned to move March 1.  This time I knew how I felt about the move and was not happy he was leaving.  I would love to say I handled the news week but after lots of wine I was quick to be mean admonishing him not discussing it with me or even considering me before moving.

He responded that I was certainly a factor for his move but that he and I both knew I had “trust issues.”  He even baited me saying if I asked him to delay his move 6 months so we could evaluate our situation, he would gladly delay.  Now I suspect Mr. Intellect would not have delayed his move for me and he was merely bluffing on my very known insecurities.

In his drunkenness he made it quite simple for me, “Let’s not get dramatic.  Neither of us knows what the future will hold.  I like you a lot and will miss you. Let’s at least try to see each other once or twice after I move and then who knows….”

Who knows is right!  He came into town on Tuesday and we had too much fun! Same old same old – walking Benny, eating Sushi, lots of wine, and lots of kissing ;)  I was happy to tell him I really would miss him and hated that he was moving.  He had been so patient with me this past few months and I really feel like the best version of myself than I have ever portrayed before and I know part of that has to do with how accepting and easy going he is. 

Being a man - instead of immediately saying he would miss me, he kept making comments about other guys I would date and when I would return to match.com.  I pushed back that I did not see myself immediately trying to fill the void and would definitely need time to mourn his loss and spend time working on me.

He told me he saw something special in me that wasn’t present in other woman.  He would miss me too and didn’t want to say any official good-byes. We had a great night both offering lots of kind words and affirmations to each other.  For the first time since he has been spending the night, I actually got a good night sleep and woke up snuggled in his arms rather than snuggled with my puppy on the opposite side of the bed. 

He woke up first and quickly showered and got ready for work.  In my grogginess, I hopped in the shower right behind him.  When I got out I was still in my towel when he had to walk out the door.  He gave me an extra-long hug, whispered he would miss me and hoped to see me soon and vanished into the darkness…

What’s next? How do I feel? Who knows?!?!

Since we’ve started dating, I’ve taken a day by day approach – a date by date approach- and I am not going to change the script this late into the game.  I want to make sure I articulate my honest feelings for him but I am not quite sure I know what I want just now.  For now, I’m settled into taking a trip up to NYC (a mere 90 mins away and/or 3 train transfers!) and we shall see.

This was the first weekend without him and I certainly missed him more than expected…Oh Mr. Intellect what have you done to this level headed guarded lady?

 

Today is a gift and tomorrow is a mystery.  For now, I am going to keep focusing on the fun to be had and trying to free myself of knowing what is to come next...

 

 

It almost ended...

He broke my glasses.

On the eve of Thanksgiving (forgive me for such an old post), Mr. Intellect had come into town to order dinner and watch a movie.  The night started off very poorly.  Mr. Intellect and I had decided to order sushi dinner.  The man was clearly famished and I was embarrassed to have very little in the way of food/appetizers/ anything in my house.  As a single lady, I can get by on just about anything in my fridge and am always satisfied with ordering sushi, pizza, or grabbing a sandwich or salad from local place.  I am easy breezy when it comes to food and rarely get that cranky tone due to hunger.  Mr. Intellect I was learning was not nearly as easy going…

With his hungry attitude, he began to attempt to order dinner.  Mr. Intellect works for a corporate company and enjoys all the perks of technology.  He has the sleekest mac air, the newest ipad, and the fanciest power charging case for his 5s Iphone.  I on the other hand am not so up to date on my gadgets.  I do not have a home laptop but rather use my old Ipad for any hands on internet needs.  My internet can be super slow at home and I am way too lazy to call Comcast and complain.  I work long hours and have never desired to bring any work station home with me.

As Mr. Intellect is techy savvy and very aware of good “userface abilities”, he immediately became even more frustrated with my “annoying devices.”  I was borderline offended because sorry we can’t all be given such cool things at our work and cannot afford to expend personally.  Secondly, I was not super hungry or in any rush to order food.  I tried to soothe him, “don’t let it bother you”, “calm down”, “it is fine”, “I can just call it in”.  He became even more mad and chastised me, “Why are you being so bossy?  I am trying to do something for you and you keep telling me how I am suppose to react when I am doing it.”

Whoa – here are the moments I do not miss about dating.  The moments where miscommunication and annoyances strike and suddenly ordering sushi has warped into accusations and some version of a disagreement.  I quickly apologized (always my go to move to avoid actual conflict) and fell silent.  Finally despite my old ipad and slow internet, he ordered sushi and simply said in ice cold tone, “food is on the way.”

I jumped up with enthusiasm and suggested I take Benny for his bedtime walk before the food arrived so we could enjoy it and relax once it got here.  Despite the cold temperatures and awkwardness between us, Mr. Intellect offered to come along.  We took Benny for his ten minute walk and I had begun to salvage the rough start.  We found conversation and held hands as we returned to my apartment.

When we got inside, I began to take off my jacket, scarf and gloves at the table, when suddenly Mr. Intellect yells, “Damn it, Benny” and Benny offers an immediate whimper of pain.  I turn around alarmed that anyone would yell at my adorable pup, moreover cause him some sort of pain!  Benny is on the ground looking alarmed and sad.  Mr. Intellect is holding his head and looks very disoriented.  Someone just yelled at my baby love so I am angry!

“What happened?”, I asked as I immediately lean towards Benny to make sure he is okay after such a brutal verbal accusation.  Mr. Intellect mumbles, “He hit my head.  Hard.  I literally see stars.” Now that I’ve finally looked at Mr. Intellect, I can tell the man is really hurting.

“Shit.  He broke my f*%king glasses.”  Ut oh.  This had turned awful fast.  Mr. Intellect being so trendy and successful has awesome glasses.  They are large frames.  Plus he has a face that craves glasses, he looks naked without his glasses, the man wears his glasses 24 hours a day.  Mr. Intellect is the type of guy to the know the brand and make of his glasses.  (Salt - Darby)

 

 

I sit down next to him and stroke his back.  I apologize in every possible way that I can for the loss of his glasses and ask him if he needs anything for the pain.  To add insult he only says one thing, “Those were very expensive glasses.”

I am no fool.  I wear glasses.  I know a nice set of frames can cost you a pretty penny.  Moreover, I know that Mr. Intellect tastes are not cheap. I knew his glasses were expensive from the moment I need them and don’t want to feel even worse for this accident.  “Let me write you a check right now for your glasses” I plead.

He looked at me angry at this offer.  “I don’t want your money.”  As if me offering him money had been the wrong response.  I spoke too quickly, “Well I don’t want you holding this over my head or Benny’s head, so just let me pay.”

“You are honestly concerned I may hold a grudge against your dog.  That’s what motivated you. Don’t worry about my f*%king glasses.”  Wow – this was going so bad.  And then the sushi arrived.  At that exact moment where the only words left in the room were “f*%king glasses….”

After we ate the most uncomfortable dinner, Mr. Intellect finally said, “It’s over.  Let’s not talk about my glasses ever again.  It is over and I am not mad at Benny.  It was the pure definition of an accident.  I leaned down, he jumped up, couldn’t have been prevented.  But let’s not talk about it again. Ever again”

Oh great.  Perfect.  Glad that it is settled.  Somehow the way he said it was apparent that these glasses were going to be a huge factor in our future.  Mr. Intellect doesn’t live in Philadelphia so whenever he comes for dates there is a mutual understanding that he will be spending the night.  At 10:30 P.M. he said, are you sure I shouldn’t try for the 11:15 P.M. train.  My heart was crushed but I didn’t want things to end this poorly.  I convinced him to stay.  We drank too much wine and went to bed without so much as a sexy kiss.

My family and I laughed endlessly the next morning at the Thanksgiving dinner table.  My grandmother could not help but see the humor in Benny’s rambunctious behavior and his complete lack of awareness of what he had done.  My parents advised anyone who doesn’t like Benny won’t last long anyway.  Benny had become my dating body guard.  But was he right?  Should I end things?

The next day I got a text from Mr. Intellect, “No more awesome glasses.  Girl’s dog jumped into my face and broke them.  WTF.  Happy Thanksgiving to me.”  Obviously this message was meant for someone else.   I replied back “Girl also mentioned she was incredibly sorry and offered to pay.”  Mr. Intellect was caught red handed.  He had seriously referred to me as girl after two months of dating and obviously this glasses thing was not over.

After many calls to my insurance company, I was able to have Mr. Intellect glasses paid for under my renter insurance.  I was thrilled with this news.  Benny could no longer be blamed.  It had taken me 4 long phone calls and lots of discussion with customer service to get this non covered claim covered anyway because it was really stressing me out! 

When I phoned Mr. Intellect, he was not that excited at all.  Granted it was now over a month later and we had never once mentioned the glasses again (as he so clearly desired).  He was surprised, “Oh you still worry about that.” Umm, yes I do! Like every time you say you can read something because you don’t have your glasses, I feel bad. 

Mr. Intellect received a large check to replace his classes on January 4.  He has still not replaced his glasses.  Oh the joys of dating and dog owning.  I am glad we didn’t break up because of Benny and realized that life is full of uncomfortable moments – with dating – with friends – with family, but you have to learn to push through.  Decide which relationships are worth fighting for and which problems you are responsible to fix.  Don’t let the guilt own you.  Accidents happen!

In sum, I didn’t want to stop dating a great guy because we had one weird night and my dog broke his glasses.  But at the same time, it was really uncomfortable, made me feel really vulnerable, and would have probably been easier just to have ended things right then and there.  For me getting his glasses replaced with minimal amounts of drama was extreme growth.

Oh Benjamin – what will you do next? 

  

 

 

Man of the Hour

 

Meet Benny

To complete enjoy some of the humor and predicaments that I’ve had with my new romance, I must first introduce the man that steals my heart on a daily basis, my dog Benjamin.

Benny is an eighteen month old cocker spaniel.  I am an animal lover and have wanted to get a dog since I graduated college.  With the strains of law school and then the rapid demise of my marriage, no time had ever presented itself to make this major decision.  After I separated from my husband, I was so lonely.  I craved his warm body.  I wanted companionship. 

After the initial trauma had worn off and I moved back to Philadelphia in a place of my own, I began to contemplate getting another dog.  At that time, I was still very untrusting, recuse, and still insanely indecisive.  This decision would last 8-12 years if I was lucky and it was not something I entered into quickly.  No joke – I spent two hours with my therapist weighing the pros and cons before committing to get a dog.  Finally, she advised me that I love to love and would be so happy with the constant unconditional love a dog offered.  Besides she laughed, some of her best relationships had been with the familial dog.

My divorce papers arrived on a Monday and by that Thursday I had found Benny’s adorable soft and cuddly face online.  He was living 4 hours away but there was no doubt in my mind those eight pounds of cuteness would make me smile every morning.  Saturday my mom, brother and I made the trek to the country lands and Amish country in Pennsylvania.  The entire drive I shouted various names out to decide what would suit this little love creature.  I knew it had to be a man’s name.  I needed a man to love me after all and already envisioned all the creative hashtags that would work better with a real name verses some animal name.

 

As soon as I saw that little guy with mischief in his eyes there was no doubt in my mind he was a Benjamin.  And so began my journey with Benny and our loving relationship.  Benny quickly adjusted from farm life to city living.  We conquered potty training in just two months despite the long elevator ride of nine floors and first real tree being over a block away.  My kind neighbors and elevator friends laughed when he peed on their shoes and smiled as he licked their legs endlessly.  His happy trot on busy streets always made me laugh  - rain, sleet or snow.

Prior to getting Benny, I could walk my neighborhood and never speak to a single soul.  Benny is nothing but personality.  He quickly made friends with local construction workers who after weeks of morning greetings were soon bringing him treats for breakfast.  It wasn’t long before he had more than one homeless friend who enjoyed the sweet loving kisses from Mr. B.   He was friends with ballerinas, barristers, truck drivers, college kids, retired men, and bouncers.  In just a few weeks, I found myself forced backed into society and no longer able to spend my days in tears.  Plus it was just impossible not to laugh at Benny’s energy and excitement. And his eyes - he has the beautiful eyes.

I am a major cuddle monster.  I love to snuggle, I love to cuddle, I need to touch – I’ve read the books, call me a golden retriever kind of lover, physical touch is my love language – put straight, I never get tired of rubbing up close!  No surprise then my puppy became my favorite snuggle bug.  Although he went from eight pounds to thirty three, he has always been encouraged in my bed.  I love when he nudges my legs in his sleep or comes up close on cold nights. 

 

Simply put, this little guy does not wrong in my eye and can go anywhere in my apartment.  We spend long hours watching movies and tv that first winter.  We learned different games and developed habits he still does to this day.  He loves to play hide and seek and can chase a ball over and over again.  He loves to share a bag of popcorn and is always up for a short jog.  He likes to sit on my feet - while I blow dry my hair, while I work, while we ride the elevator - always close me .

To his credit, he is wonderfully behaved.  He rides solo while I am at work and takes long naps on his comfortable bed.  He never causes mischief, he doesn’t bark, and he is so not into chewing anything that isn’t his.  He rarely has accidents in the house and doesn’t eat food that isn’t his.

But Benny is a brute!  He has such a personality and he loves me more than life itself.  He doesn’t know any commands other than sit which he will only do if it promises a treat – not because you want him to.  He walks on his leash but he is very easily distracted by skateboarders, loud cars, butterflies, blowing leaves, other dogs, and anything else that may catch his eager eyes attention.  He doesn’t understand boundaries and hates to be alone.

Prior to Mr. Intellect, Benny was the only man in my life.  My friend once told me the Norah Jones “Man of the Hour” reminded her of me and B.  Since then, I love to serenade by little friend in the mornings when we wake up.  Simply put, Benny is extremely important to me.  He is the last thing I say good night to before I sleep, and the first thing I get to wake up in the morning.  He is good to me.  He protects me.  He makes me smile and never makes me cry.  He does no wrong in my eyes and I am entirely blinded by my love for him. 

 

Maybe you can tell what’s coming, but Benny and Mr. Intellect didn’t quite fit together so seamlessly...and well Benny isn’t going anywhere….these puppy eyes are just too much to handle.

 

Custodia legis

Where did the time go?

It has been so long since I posted and so many high, lows, and laughs to report on in the very near future.  My January was dedicated entirely to my job and I knew it would be ahead of time.  I was committed to working seven days a week from January 2-February 5^th and almost made it.  While I did take a few Saturday entirely off, work had primarily taken over my life. 

I am a young attorney and enjoy my position very much.  I am very blessed to be working with a  small firm and have a great deal of responsibilities and opportunities despite my minimum experience.  On my calendar, I had four arbitrations beginning January 17 and ending February 5.  To give perspective, on average I had done one arbitration every 4-6 months and my last one before a panel had been an entire year ago.  Add to that the anticipation of my annual review and trying to balance a new relationship, the month came and went in a blur.

Sometimes I realize I take for granted my position.  I once told my friend how bored I was working and disappointed that I only had the opportunity to get out of the office 3-4 days a month.  She admonished my disappointment pointing out how amazing it was that I had three to four day a month where I experienced a passion and adrenaline for something I loved.  She reminded me some people were never so lucky to ever reach a career which offered such opportunities and beyond that I had found one that offered me a rush of exhilaration three to four times a month.  (p.s. I mentioned I had such wise friends in earlier post, let me footnote to this to say my friend is awesome and close enough to give it to me straight but wrapped in love/support.)

I love lawyering.  I love the organization and efforts that go into preparing a case for trial or arbitration.  As I sit at that table with my documents before me, my witnesses in the room, and notes of what I am going to say, I feel an adrenaline rush soaring from my mouth to my toes.  While always half on the verge of letting the nausea fully take over and half on the urge of running away, there is an eagerness I can’t find anywhere else.  Part of me feelings like I am preparing for war – my binder is full of strategies and maneuvers and despite my large ammunition I must decide which moves to make and when to fire.  When I stand, I feel confident, I feel tall, I feel prepared to articulate my opinions in persuasive ways.  I am focused on the themes of my presentation, the explanation of arguments that I’ve said a half dozen times before today, and the desired result.

Then there is the fear of losing that can set it.  The acceptance of the subjective point of view.  The realization that you can do everything in your power to win a case and despite your best efforts, the Judge, the Jury, the Arbitrators will disagree.  This part of the law never gets an easier to accept.  Imaging pouring your energy and efforts into a case and knowing there was nothing more you could do to change the outcome. 

This is where I’ve been these past few weeks.  I’ve been living with the highs and lows of litigation.  I am constantly realizing how much of the law I still have to learn and often overwhelmed by how many tasks lie before me.  I worked hard and long.  I prepared cases that settled on the eve of arbitration, I celebrated a victory in an arbitration, I am anticipating a loss in one result to come, and I am waiting as the final one was continued. 

The glaring result of the past 6 weeks is that if I pure my heart, my soul, and all my energy into my legal career, I will not be satisfied.  Although the wins are great and the good days better, I know deep down I want more.  I want to celebrate with my friends and continue to have meaningful and rewarding friendships.  I want to grow in my faith and feel at peace internally.  I want to make time to stay physically fit and keep my body strong and healthy. 

I want to find someone to share every blessing, every opportunity, every disappointment and every celebration.  My love for the law is deep and I think our relationship is just at the beginning.  We get each other.  We spend long hours together.  We make each other laugh.  I feel challenged when I am with the law.  The feeling I get standing before my feet and arguing to a group of strangers can keep me on fire for days and days.  I cannot wait to experience a jury trial and still jump out of bed just to argue a motion. But if all I do is love the law, the law will leave me lonely.  The law doesn’t hold you when you feeling down.  The law doesn’t praise you and celebrate with you.  The law holds your flaws against you.  The law doesn’t forgive your mistakes.

This legal mind is not far enough gone not to realize the law won’t give it all to me.  That said, I am so glad the law is in my life.  The law makes me excited.  The law gets me out of bed.  The law makes sense.  The law presents such opportunities.  The law and I have just brushed the surface.  I still want more though. 

Cognito ergo sum.