It's time to tell

It’s time to tell him I am a divorcee

I am telling Mr. I that I was married and divorce tonight.  I’ve made up my mind and am entirely committed to doing it.  While in California on my amazing vacation, I had the opportunity to really think about where I’ve been and where I’m going.  I finally think I am approaching point where I can honestly say I love myself and I love everything about me.  Of course, I don’t love the places I’ve been and the pain I’ve suffered but it has also made me a better person.  I am more compassionate following my divorce.  I am less rigid and live more for the moment.  I can keep things in better perspective.  My friendships have grown tremendously following my divorce.  I know more of who I am and what I want now than I ever did at 23.

But I am so scared to tell him.  I could not fall asleep last night.  I have that far too common pit in my stomach permeating with each passing hour.  I have decided to share my most embarrassing secret, my biggest regret, my deepest scar and I am so nervous he may reject me based on this.  And if he does it is fair of him but will certainly hurt me.

I am very mad at my ex today.  If he had just been honest, if he had told me the things he did prior to marrying me….  It just isn’t fair sometimes that I did everything in my power to save my marriage but am left with this scar, this unbelievable pain, and now this uncomfortable future conversation.  The fact that my ex immaturity and dishonesty can cause detriment to my future relationship makes me so mad it’s almost implausible.

Of course maybe Mr. I won’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe it won’t be some colossal divulgence of information.  With any luck he has had friends go through a divorce.  Of course, I can downplay my marriage too being that it was in fact only seven months before my ex physically cheated on me again and eight months before we were separated.  The inks been dry almost a year, we had no kids, and no mortgage.

I am really nervous.  I’ve asked all my friends how to brooch the subject, I’ve got some ideas and options.  Part of me thinks that I may tell him within the first five minutes just to get this heavy heavy weight off my shoulder.  I told my dearest friend that I would be quick – get in and get out.  Hey Mr. I, remember that ex I mentioned, well he was actually my ex-husband.  And we were briefly married for about seven months.  He hurt me really bad but now I’ve moved on.  I am happy to answer any and all questions you may have.  To which my dear friend burst out laughing at the image of me being brief on this topic.  Let’s get real, it’s going to be rambling word vomit but I hope he accepts me and still likes me.

I need to do this for me.  I can’t allow myself to develop anything other than superficial feeling for Mr. I until I know that he knows the real me.  I can’t fully forgive myself for my divorce until I start accepting it as a part of who I am and not some dirty secret.

 

Today my mantra has been continuous, “please give me the courage to come clean and the strength to accept myself flaws and all.”  More to follow.  Sometimes being divorced really sucks and the anger for the ex returns with vengeance.