It stings.

                                    What was that?

I am really surprised by how much I’ve been missing Mr. Intellect.  About two weeks after breaking up with me, Mr. Intellect began texting me again telling me he missed me and wanted to get together one more time.  While there was a part of me that suspected I should not agree, that part was quickly quieted by the ever desire to want to kiss him one more time! 

He came down the night before my birthday and we had another great time.  We went to a restaurant and laughed about how many times we have frequented it over the past eight months.  We ordered appetizers, dinner, and dessert.  I kept finding myself staring at him while he did everything.  While he read the menu, while he ordered his drink, while he devoured the dessert and was so overwhelmed by strong feelings for him.  The attraction was driving me insane.  I just kept admiring him.

After he left, I was completely mind bombed.  I could not stop thinking about him and worse I was suddenly being eaten with these feelings that I had never actually shared these feelings with him.  He had moved away and starting dating other women, and I never even told him I wanted a future with him.  But to be honest, months earlier, I had no idea what I wanted.  But now sitting across from the table from him, I knew I wanted to be with him.

Torn with these feelings, I decided to lay it on the table.  A few nights later – after a few glasses of wine, I called him and nervously told him how I felt.  While he readily acknowledged he shared similar feelings for me there was no conclusive so we should get back together.  In fact, there was a complete void of commitment or movement towards these feelings.  The next night he came back down for unbeknownst to me one final rendezvous. 

When I left my apartment and said good bye, something deep in my more core knew I probably would not see him again.  A few days later, I realized he was dating someone else and they looked a little more serious than I had originally realized. He sent me to messages and it was all too obvious what had happen.  While I was angry, I was also incredibly hurt.

This is the hardest part of dating and the hardest part of being vulnerable.  I laid it out there and I was rejected – as simple as that.  While I am sad, I am not regretful.  In fact, just the opposite, I am actually proud of myself.  I met a great guy, he treated me wonderfully, and eventually I was able to take down my walls and tell him how much I cared about him.

I am not sure if I was in love with Mr. Intellect but I am certain I could have fallen in love with him if we had continued dating.  It's amazing to look back upon the nine months we dated and notice all of the changes in myself.  In some ways, I barely feel like the same woman.  While obvious things haven't changed, I feel like I've become a more authentic version of myself and have become more independent and happier than ever before remembered. 

He taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to be myself all of the time. I learned what I like, what I can tolerate, and what I want in my future partner.  He was confident, sexy, and supportive.  We laughed and never argued.  

I am scared I won’t ever meet someone like him again but also hopeful that one day I am going to be happily and madly in love again.  There were so many qualities about him that have elevated my expectations from a partner.  But there were so many things unique to him that make me equally as doubtful.  A year ago, I was still worried I would never fall in love and reluctant to the idea of marrying a second time.  Now, I am certain I will be in love again and confident (albeit could be a long time from now) that I will be married again.

He taught me a lot about myself and allowed me to be myself all of the time.  I learned what I like, what I can tolerate, and what I want in my future partner.  And after many, many bottles of red wine, I can say this quote resonates with me more now than ever.

I hope the day comes soon where I don’t crave him as much as I do now.  As much as it hurts now, I am happy to have put myself out there and had the opportunity to date such a mature man.  It was eye opening to date someone who was so supportive of my career and made me realize how great that is to have.  I loved that we could watch old black and white movies, Rent, and discuss recent Ted talks.  He could quote famous authors and comment on current events.  He was an amazing cuddler and provided endless warmth through a cold winter.  He allowed me to feel entirely shameless about my divorce and saw the positive ways my divorce had changed me. He was by far the sexiest man I have ever been with and gave me high expectations that I can meet someone who works out more than me!

He raised the bar.

I will miss him.  But I know - this too shall pass.