Do not hurt my brother!

Sibling Love

Without a doubt the most beloved person in my life is my younger brother. I have two siblings, a sister ten years older and a brother thirteen years younger. Our age gap is not by mistake or design but the result of long battle with infertility treatments.

My brother has always been important to me and I've tried to maintain a very close relationship. When he was younger I would take him to the zoo or the park. As he got older we went started attending sporting events together and I am often cheering him on at his soccer, basketball or baseball games.  I take the role of big sister very important and always try to be a positive influence and provide exciting experiences.

No surprise my ex and my brother also had a close relationship. My brother was in our wedding and excited to have a brother in law.  Looking back though I can say that when I was with my ex for five straight years all activities with my brother became threesomes instead of the original bro/sis dynamic. And if I am being very honest, in some ways I outsourced sisterly responsibilities to my ex, encouraging them to do boy games at the beach or allowing my ex to provide tutoring or school guidance. I had always encouraged my ex to play the big brother and take pride in having a younger sibling. My family welcomed him with open arms and my brother even admired him.

The year I was divorced my brother was in 7th grade - just about to turn 13. Shortly after my divorce was filed my brother and I were at a Phillies game when he told me he was sent to guidance counselor earlier that week. I was immediately alarmed and demanded to know what happen. After a great deal of negotiations my brother admitted he had been crying in his classes because he was so sad I was getting divorced. Suddenly my heart broke in a different way. It was my job as older sister to protect my brother from pain and here my marriages failure was causing him anguish. 

For weeks I was haunted by this conversation. I felt so responsible for hurting my brother and so embarassed at the type of sister I had been. I didn't feel like a strong role model and I was ashamed. I was giving him poor lessons on love and romance.  I was falling apart right before his eyes.

After many sessions with my therapist and long conversations with my friends - I began to forgive myself for my sisterly shortcomings. I realized I had an opportunity to show my brother true vulnerability and honesty. I had no idea how I would get out of my depression but I believed some day in the future it may end and my brother could see hope in me. I also realized it was okay to show my brother my pain and instead of stifling tears I just had to accept he was no longer shielded from the situation. He was hurt too and the only part of me left was the raw broken body. 

My brother matured that summer in between 7th and 8th grade and our relationships morphed into more of a friendship than sibling bond. I cried my eyes out in front of him. I told him I was sorry he had been hurt. I remember one walk on the beach where I confessed I was scared I would never be married again and never be a mom. He always looked uncomfortable when I said these things and he just sort of shrugged and said he knew it wasn't true. How? How did he know? When would I be okay? "I just do," he would say. "It's just you. You are going to be okay and everyone knows it accept for you." I can't forget the calmness and naiveness in his voice. 

After escaping the worst of the depression I was angry at the time my ex had stolen from my brother and I. I had so few memories from the time we dated that were dedicated only to my brother and I. I made it my goal in 2013 to do something fun with my brother once a month. And I easily successed - with doing more than 12 fun things in the year. I am still very formulaic and at start of each month I write on my calendar my activity with my brother to be sure it makes it there. Otherwise I know time will pass too quickly and I refuse to allow myself to lose out on any more times with just he and I. 

Although I was devastated my ex acted so selfishly and hurt my family, I am also grateful that I haven't lost any more time with my brother. I take my sisterly duties very seriously and have forged a bond with my brother that will only grow in the future.

My ex was an only child (also a man child - see previously post;)).  While I know there are plenty of only children who aren't selfish, I must say my ex was extremely selfish and I think much of this was because he was an only child.  He did not understand what it meant to love a sibling - he didn't have any bonds forged.  He did not understand the selfless love you can have for someone else just based on the fact that you are siblings. 

I don't think I can ever date someone again who is an only child.  While I try not to hold onto steadfast rules or 'deal breakers', I know I need someone who understand the sibling love.  In the future, I will not look for a man to come in and be a brother to my brother.  Instead, I am looking for a man who will encourage and foster my relationship with my brother.  A man that understand that sibling love trumps logic sometimes or financial sense - there are thing you have to do for your sibling purely out of the unexplainable love. 

Accepting my shame and the role I played in my past was a big step for me.  Becoming a sister that I am proud to be was an even bigger step.  There is no doubt in my mind that my brother knows he is the most important person in my world and I am proud of myself for showing him that on a monthly basis. I beat my depression, I've shown him my strength, and most of all I've shown him my vulnerability and my wounds. 

Despite thirteen years age gap, he is a wise fourteen year old and very good friend to me.