Vacations after divorce

Adventures

I am headed on vacation tomorrow and I am thrilled. 

I am off to the sunny skies of California to enjoy some much needed leisure time and outdoor adventures. 

I know I am making progress.  When I first was separated from my ex I felt paralyzed and paranoid.  I did not know how I would make it through the next day let alone the weeks that followed.  I had always been such a planner  and my calendar was typically full of events and vacations planned throughout the entire year. 

My ex lived down South and trips for the holidays were often planned months in advance.  I loved having a place to escape to and always found the trips to both relaxing and exciting. But now as we separated I was suddenly too scared to move.  I was miserable and exhausted.  Although I wanted to go away and hide, I was also too scared to plan anything and too untrusting to allow anyone to plan it for me.  I was spiraling lower and lower with no hopes of escape.

I had planned a joint family vacation for a beach house down South before my ex broke the news to me that he no longer loved me and would be filing for divorce.  I remember the amount of time my family and I circled about what to do with this pre-paid for beach house.  My family was eager to still venture down but I remember thinking the second I get to I-95 South I will only think of my ex and all the times we traveled down South together.  It will be awful.

After agonizing over my decision and my inability to make a decision, I finally called the beach house owner and cried my eyes out.  I told her the awful things my ex had done and why we couldn’t come to her beautiful house.  As a divorcee she quickly sympathized with me and said she would only charge the security deposit.  Still no light fee but much better than the rest.  I couldn’t ask my family to pay for that.  They had just incurred an entire wedding with nothing to show for it less than one year prior.  When I first suggested to my ex that we split the bill, he was ice cold.  “You planned that trip.  You pay for that trip.”  No less than three e-mails later which eventually required a cc of his mother did he pay half of the deposit.

(side note I am still mad he didn’t just pay for the entire thing.  He didn’t say to me I know I promised to love you in sickness and in health for the rest of our lives and based on the reliance you planned a lovely trip for our families to blend, let me please pay for that…no that wasn’t the way it went down when we got divorced)

Now I still had a week off planned into my work schedule and my parents decided to rent a beach house near-by at the Jersey Shore and pleaded with me to come.  At this point, I was still crying daily, hardly eating, and couldn’t see straight at times.  I felt like a spectacle and that the world was against me.  I felt alone and like nobody – nobody understood my pain.

I wanted my best friend to be with me.  Throughout my childhood, my best friend and I had sat on that beach, had laughed on the beach, had trucked the boardwalk on that beach, and had grown up on that beach. 

I had felt so much rejection at that point.  I felt such a level of anxiety and distrust.  I told my mom I would go if my best friend came with me but I could not ask my best friend myself.  My dear best friend was married lived over 7 hours away and had three children under five.  It was not exactly a walk in the park for her to pick up and join us on this unplanned vacation.  It would be expected she would say no.  It would be entirely acceptable if she had said no, but I was too afraid to hear it myself.

My friend said yes. I don’t know the particulars of the conversation she and my mom had but I know that when I found out I cried tears of relief.  Sometimes you can’t exactly even put into words what you need or want and there really wasn’t anything I wanted my friend to say I just wanted to see her.  She came with her husband and children and joined us on the beach.  It took her over ten hours to get there with her little babies packed in the back. 

Looking back, I was not very good company.  I was a shell of a person and I think mostly my friend and family were a little scared of where I was at. I sat on the beach, I kept to myself, but I was so glad my friend was there.  Seeing the innocence of her children enjoying the beach, being able to tell her the things in my heart and worries face to face, and sharing some of our favorite pizza was exactly what I needed.  There were no magic words but just a repetitive theme that I would be okay, it was not my fault this happen, and things would get better with time.

Watch the waves crash my therapist told me before I left.  No matter what the waves never stop she said.  Remember life goes on.  These words stuck with me and that was all I did for hours, watched the waves, read my book, and let my mind heal try to heal itself.  Sometimes I sat there silently ignoring questions posed to me.  I looked like I was on the verge of tears most of that trip.

It took me another year before I could plan another vacation and a lot of courage to book that first plane ticket.  No surprise another one of my best friends was there by my side that time.  I will post about that vacation another time ;)

For me, this is a big step going on vacation tomorrow.  It a sign I have grown and can trust myself to have fun.  I would not plan trips before because I had no idea what state of mind I would be in when the trip arrived.  Would I be in that dark spot and entirely miserable? Would I get so anxious that I couldn’t board the plane?  I remember those feelings vividly.

I have anxiety about this trip but nowhere near the past.  I am going to board that plane with my head high and my eyes straight ahead.  Fun awaits me in a far away land and I can not wait to explore it.  I’ve come a long way in a year and I am ready to live the life God had planned for me.  I am thankful for the dear friends that took me on those first few vacations reminding me that I deserved rest and relaxation and all those were capable without my ex. 

Here I come California.  Bring on the free spirits.  The liberals.  The wine and cheese.  The beautiful scenery.  The fun to be had.  I know that I deserve the happiness that is to follow.