It's time to sleep....

You need to sleep

In the months leading up to my ultimate separation, I could not sleep.  I was amazed by my ability to proceed through life in this insomnia state.  I would be exhausted each and every day and when it came time to sleep, my mind raced.  I begged my ex to talk to me, to come back to me, to explain what he was thinking and what he expected me to do.  Like the coward he was, he crawled out of our bed and slept on the sofa demanding that his career required sleep and there was not amount of talking to resolve our differences.  This sequence of events went on for months – me wide awake and anxious while he loudly snored on the couch.  It infuriated me. 

Now I plan to explore our differences at length in future posts.  Because we had many – however the largest was his inability to remain faithful and monogamous and my desire to have a man entirely to myself.  At first not sleeping proved helpful as it allowed me to sneak down to his phone in the wee hours of the night to read the emails and texts messages exchanged between him and his mistress.  However, the lack of sleep also drove me insane.  I was unable to make decisions – I was unable to think clearly – and I felt like I was honestly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.   And yet I could not fall asleep.  Not with so much unknown.  Not like this…

 

When I started to do research into my mental anguish, I learned that mental pain registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain.  In other words, when you are going through a traumatic life experiences, you brain registers this the same way it was excruciating exercise.  The phrase I feel like I’ve been hit by a train became my go to response when asked by co-workers how I was holding up.  I literally felt like I was strapped to a locomotive, traveling faster than I could ever imagine and constantly hitting every tree it could as I proceeded.

When we ultimately separated and I moved to my grandmother’s house, all I could do was sleep.  With this information that physical and emotional pain registered in the body, I knew I needed sleep.  And a lot of it!  I had survived law school, all-nighters, bar preparations, but I had never in my entire life felt an exhaustion on this scale.  It took a long time to learn to listen to my body and the support of great friends and Grandmother who forced me to sleep and let me sleep. 

While I cried myself to sleep and often even woke up with tears in my eyes, I knew I needed sleep.  Of course there is the appropriate balance between sleeping too much and allowing yourself to fall into a deeper depression – but if you are going through major life changes in you life – you need sleep.  In the beginning, don’t doubt yourself, just keep on sleeping.  Need a sleeping pill to know you out – this girl says go for it.  Especially in the beginning, you need to sleep anyway you can.  Heartbreak is an awful anguish that plays with every part of your brain.  I learned I could not judge myself and had to accept this weak, feeble, broken person for who she was and begin to help her.  I was so tired; I once called out of work to my boss.  He asked what was wrong, and I whimpered, I am so heartbroken that my body won’t let me get out of bed.  My sweet sixty year old boss was at a loss for words and said sleep it off and tomorrow believe that you can get out of bed.   He would go on to repeat this word to me over and over.  Believe, believe, believe. 

After 18 months of separation, I can honestly say it took me a year of getting lots and lots sleep to really allow my body to heal.  And I think that is consistent with major life traumas.  The reality of that statement means for over a year my body was too tired to be involved in normal life activities.  Whereas some people require 6-7 hours of sleep, my body required 10-12 hours of sleep in the beginning.  I rested through spring, I hid in the summer, I bought my puppy in the fall, and I hibernated all winter long. 

I’ve learned there is no magic formula to how many hours of sleep I require.  However, I know that my mood, energy levels, and performance are all based my levels of rest.  When in doubt, go to bed my friend once told me.  While it was annoying and frustrating to feel so tired all of the time, I knew my friend was right.  Feeling anxious – go to sleep?  Starting to cry at 8:30 because you feel lonely – go to sleep!  Beginning to plot revenge and pay backs – go to sleep!  Walking down memory lane – go to sleep!

I think I am almost at a normal level of sleep requirements.  But I do know that when I start to feel sad, anxious, angry, or depressed that I also need to re-evaluate my sleep patterns and that there is no better remedy for me that sleeping in past 10:00.

Sleep in important.  Sleep is crucial.  And mental anguish feels the exact same to the body/brain as physical anguish.  Think back to the days of two a days in high school, would you have had the energy to go out and drink with friends after 5 hours of practice – NO!  So why would you force yourself to engage in social activities amidst such extreme mental anguish.  Feeling extra sad well catch some extra zzzzz.  And after months of rest, you may begin to feel refreshed.

P.s. Not convinced by me, check out Ted Talks Russell Foster – Why do we Sleep? And Ariana Huffington – How to succeed, get more sleep.