Single, Married, or Divorced?

SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORCED OR WIDOWED

            Single, Married, Divorced or Widowed?  This question appears on almost every legal form, medical questionnaire, and online dating profile.  The question appears everywhere – on documents, from friends, from doctors, from strangers, from realtors, from bankers, from priests, and from co-workers.

            In the months immediately following my divorce, this question haunted me.  How could I so easily have gone from the “happily” married box to the now divorced box?  And which box was in fact the correct one.  I wasn’t legally divorced yet, should I write married?  If I was divorced, wouldn’t I be single?  How was this really happening to me?  More importantly, how am I still stuck on the very first question of this damn document.

The question made me angry.  First, from a very logical stand point, if I am divorced I am therefore single.  Right?  I am divorced meaning I am single.  Is this some sort of bar exam question where I am suppose to pick the answer which is more correct than the rest.  I see two right answers.  Yes – I am divorced!  Which means that I am therefore SINGLE.  Why piece of paper, lawyers, banker, doctor, do you want to know that I was divorced?

And that brings me to the biggest problem with the question.  Why do people want to know?  I’m not sure I know the answer and I know it depends on the situations because sometimes there may be very logical reasons to need to know that. (i.e. taxes).  But for me this is such a personal piece of information, a vicious memory from my past, something that does not seem relevant for some relatively new person in my life.

For me, my divorce is a scar.  A remembrance of a youthful love filled with mistakes and tribulations.  I’ve never encountered anyone who has looked down on me or judged me for my divorce, but I’ve sat around many conversations and heard people comment about other people who are divorced.  “They got married too young.”  “I’m not surprised – I saw it coming.”  “I just can’t believe it – I always thought they were happy” and so on and so forth.  The bottom line is rarely does think positive thoughts about divorce.  It’s either judgment or sympathy.

The very first question on my online dating profile is ever been married?  I lied.  Well at first, I was truthful but that it became a somewhat paranoia that maybe men were judging me based on this piece of criteria which did not really fit me.  I never wanted my divorce.  I fought hard for my marriage.  I offered my ex forgiveness in a time of deep deep pain.  I tried.  I tried so damn hard.  And why should random men on an online dating profile get to judge me because my ex refused to live up to the commitments he made? 

I am usually such an honest person.  But this question.  It makes me lie more often than not.  I know that the next man that loves me will love me despite my past and understand that I was incapable of saving my marriage, not because I didn’t want to but because you can’t change how another person feels.  I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made.  I know that I did everything I could do.

P.s.  I always answer SINGLE.  Those people don’t get to know all my secrets just yet!