Man of the Hour

 

Meet Benny

To complete enjoy some of the humor and predicaments that I’ve had with my new romance, I must first introduce the man that steals my heart on a daily basis, my dog Benjamin.

Benny is an eighteen month old cocker spaniel.  I am an animal lover and have wanted to get a dog since I graduated college.  With the strains of law school and then the rapid demise of my marriage, no time had ever presented itself to make this major decision.  After I separated from my husband, I was so lonely.  I craved his warm body.  I wanted companionship. 

After the initial trauma had worn off and I moved back to Philadelphia in a place of my own, I began to contemplate getting another dog.  At that time, I was still very untrusting, recuse, and still insanely indecisive.  This decision would last 8-12 years if I was lucky and it was not something I entered into quickly.  No joke – I spent two hours with my therapist weighing the pros and cons before committing to get a dog.  Finally, she advised me that I love to love and would be so happy with the constant unconditional love a dog offered.  Besides she laughed, some of her best relationships had been with the familial dog.

My divorce papers arrived on a Monday and by that Thursday I had found Benny’s adorable soft and cuddly face online.  He was living 4 hours away but there was no doubt in my mind those eight pounds of cuteness would make me smile every morning.  Saturday my mom, brother and I made the trek to the country lands and Amish country in Pennsylvania.  The entire drive I shouted various names out to decide what would suit this little love creature.  I knew it had to be a man’s name.  I needed a man to love me after all and already envisioned all the creative hashtags that would work better with a real name verses some animal name.

 

As soon as I saw that little guy with mischief in his eyes there was no doubt in my mind he was a Benjamin.  And so began my journey with Benny and our loving relationship.  Benny quickly adjusted from farm life to city living.  We conquered potty training in just two months despite the long elevator ride of nine floors and first real tree being over a block away.  My kind neighbors and elevator friends laughed when he peed on their shoes and smiled as he licked their legs endlessly.  His happy trot on busy streets always made me laugh  - rain, sleet or snow.

Prior to getting Benny, I could walk my neighborhood and never speak to a single soul.  Benny is nothing but personality.  He quickly made friends with local construction workers who after weeks of morning greetings were soon bringing him treats for breakfast.  It wasn’t long before he had more than one homeless friend who enjoyed the sweet loving kisses from Mr. B.   He was friends with ballerinas, barristers, truck drivers, college kids, retired men, and bouncers.  In just a few weeks, I found myself forced backed into society and no longer able to spend my days in tears.  Plus it was just impossible not to laugh at Benny’s energy and excitement. And his eyes - he has the beautiful eyes.

I am a major cuddle monster.  I love to snuggle, I love to cuddle, I need to touch – I’ve read the books, call me a golden retriever kind of lover, physical touch is my love language – put straight, I never get tired of rubbing up close!  No surprise then my puppy became my favorite snuggle bug.  Although he went from eight pounds to thirty three, he has always been encouraged in my bed.  I love when he nudges my legs in his sleep or comes up close on cold nights. 

 

Simply put, this little guy does not wrong in my eye and can go anywhere in my apartment.  We spend long hours watching movies and tv that first winter.  We learned different games and developed habits he still does to this day.  He loves to play hide and seek and can chase a ball over and over again.  He loves to share a bag of popcorn and is always up for a short jog.  He likes to sit on my feet - while I blow dry my hair, while I work, while we ride the elevator - always close me .

To his credit, he is wonderfully behaved.  He rides solo while I am at work and takes long naps on his comfortable bed.  He never causes mischief, he doesn’t bark, and he is so not into chewing anything that isn’t his.  He rarely has accidents in the house and doesn’t eat food that isn’t his.

But Benny is a brute!  He has such a personality and he loves me more than life itself.  He doesn’t know any commands other than sit which he will only do if it promises a treat – not because you want him to.  He walks on his leash but he is very easily distracted by skateboarders, loud cars, butterflies, blowing leaves, other dogs, and anything else that may catch his eager eyes attention.  He doesn’t understand boundaries and hates to be alone.

Prior to Mr. Intellect, Benny was the only man in my life.  My friend once told me the Norah Jones “Man of the Hour” reminded her of me and B.  Since then, I love to serenade by little friend in the mornings when we wake up.  Simply put, Benny is extremely important to me.  He is the last thing I say good night to before I sleep, and the first thing I get to wake up in the morning.  He is good to me.  He protects me.  He makes me smile and never makes me cry.  He does no wrong in my eyes and I am entirely blinded by my love for him. 

 

Maybe you can tell what’s coming, but Benny and Mr. Intellect didn’t quite fit together so seamlessly...and well Benny isn’t going anywhere….these puppy eyes are just too much to handle.

 

Custodia legis

Where did the time go?

It has been so long since I posted and so many high, lows, and laughs to report on in the very near future.  My January was dedicated entirely to my job and I knew it would be ahead of time.  I was committed to working seven days a week from January 2-February 5^th and almost made it.  While I did take a few Saturday entirely off, work had primarily taken over my life. 

I am a young attorney and enjoy my position very much.  I am very blessed to be working with a  small firm and have a great deal of responsibilities and opportunities despite my minimum experience.  On my calendar, I had four arbitrations beginning January 17 and ending February 5.  To give perspective, on average I had done one arbitration every 4-6 months and my last one before a panel had been an entire year ago.  Add to that the anticipation of my annual review and trying to balance a new relationship, the month came and went in a blur.

Sometimes I realize I take for granted my position.  I once told my friend how bored I was working and disappointed that I only had the opportunity to get out of the office 3-4 days a month.  She admonished my disappointment pointing out how amazing it was that I had three to four day a month where I experienced a passion and adrenaline for something I loved.  She reminded me some people were never so lucky to ever reach a career which offered such opportunities and beyond that I had found one that offered me a rush of exhilaration three to four times a month.  (p.s. I mentioned I had such wise friends in earlier post, let me footnote to this to say my friend is awesome and close enough to give it to me straight but wrapped in love/support.)

I love lawyering.  I love the organization and efforts that go into preparing a case for trial or arbitration.  As I sit at that table with my documents before me, my witnesses in the room, and notes of what I am going to say, I feel an adrenaline rush soaring from my mouth to my toes.  While always half on the verge of letting the nausea fully take over and half on the urge of running away, there is an eagerness I can’t find anywhere else.  Part of me feelings like I am preparing for war – my binder is full of strategies and maneuvers and despite my large ammunition I must decide which moves to make and when to fire.  When I stand, I feel confident, I feel tall, I feel prepared to articulate my opinions in persuasive ways.  I am focused on the themes of my presentation, the explanation of arguments that I’ve said a half dozen times before today, and the desired result.

Then there is the fear of losing that can set it.  The acceptance of the subjective point of view.  The realization that you can do everything in your power to win a case and despite your best efforts, the Judge, the Jury, the Arbitrators will disagree.  This part of the law never gets an easier to accept.  Imaging pouring your energy and efforts into a case and knowing there was nothing more you could do to change the outcome. 

This is where I’ve been these past few weeks.  I’ve been living with the highs and lows of litigation.  I am constantly realizing how much of the law I still have to learn and often overwhelmed by how many tasks lie before me.  I worked hard and long.  I prepared cases that settled on the eve of arbitration, I celebrated a victory in an arbitration, I am anticipating a loss in one result to come, and I am waiting as the final one was continued. 

The glaring result of the past 6 weeks is that if I pure my heart, my soul, and all my energy into my legal career, I will not be satisfied.  Although the wins are great and the good days better, I know deep down I want more.  I want to celebrate with my friends and continue to have meaningful and rewarding friendships.  I want to grow in my faith and feel at peace internally.  I want to make time to stay physically fit and keep my body strong and healthy. 

I want to find someone to share every blessing, every opportunity, every disappointment and every celebration.  My love for the law is deep and I think our relationship is just at the beginning.  We get each other.  We spend long hours together.  We make each other laugh.  I feel challenged when I am with the law.  The feeling I get standing before my feet and arguing to a group of strangers can keep me on fire for days and days.  I cannot wait to experience a jury trial and still jump out of bed just to argue a motion. But if all I do is love the law, the law will leave me lonely.  The law doesn’t hold you when you feeling down.  The law doesn’t praise you and celebrate with you.  The law holds your flaws against you.  The law doesn’t forgive your mistakes.

This legal mind is not far enough gone not to realize the law won’t give it all to me.  That said, I am so glad the law is in my life.  The law makes me excited.  The law gets me out of bed.  The law makes sense.  The law presents such opportunities.  The law and I have just brushed the surface.  I still want more though. 

Cognito ergo sum.

It took a while, but....

Get Over My Ex

Last year I took New Year’s Resolutions very seriously.  There was something beautiful to me about an entire year where I could set new goals and could try to put my life back together after so much destruction had taken place.  Entering into 2013, I had a great apartment that I knew would be mine for the entire year.  I had a great job which has potential for longevity and security.  I’ve got my darling puppy by my side, supportive friends, and a great deal of desire for happiness.

My number one resolution – Get over my ex.  Despite the fact that my divorce was finalized, I was still madly in love with my ex and ached at the thought of us not being together.  Now twelve months later, I am happy to report I do not love my ex. 

Although 2013 was much more stable for me than 2012, I still feel as though I’ve changed so much in the past year.  I started off the year craving my ex and pining for him to take me back.  He certainly did not make my life any easier with his constant contact and somewhat thoughtful gestures throughout the Spring. 

At the time my ex moved out of Philadelphia I thought we had achieved some sort of friendship and I had moved towards forgiveness with him.  He had even invited me to celebrate his PhD with his mom and best friend giving me this sincere toast about how I always helped him, motivated and supported him as he achieved his goals. 

One week after those words left his mouth, he moved away and completely ignored me.  After two months of dead silence, he mailed me a letter full of cold and cruel statements.  As far as he was concerned the story of us was entirely over and there was no way we could maintain any sort of friendship.  He went on to delineate how I should never contact him and there was nothing left to be said by either of us to each other.

When I read the letter I was once again taken to the floor with tears.  I sobbed and sobbed and called my friends, one at a time to tell them about his final blow to me.  I felt exhausted as I read the letter over and over again.  The letter was three short pages hand written in perfect penmanship. 

Nowhere in the entire letter did it acknowledge his affair or the heartbreak he had caused me.  It did not contain the word sorry except once in the final sentence, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted me to be.”  Oh what a total man child response.  What a joke?!

The letter makes me furious.  It was the ultimate controlling move.  It allowed him to say everything he wanted to say to me, make every final calculated remark and then forbid me to talk to him.  He didn’t even put a return address.  Void of a sincere apology and once again in the ultimate dig claiming that I wanted this superior man that he was incapable of being despite the fact he was unfaithful prior to our vows and again over and over!  He somehow was so delusion to think it was me that had standards that exceeded his.

After I got that letter it became much easier to get over my ex.  Suddenly he appeared much more like a serial killer or someone who would send ransom letters than a strong intelligent man that I had once loved.  He had an indescribably terrifying cold streak and I know that the love that I want is so much warmer than the love my ex was capable of.

I’ve had my fair share of enemies.  I’m sad to stay I’ve had broken friendships and unfortunate endings.  But there is not a single person in the entire world that I could ever think to put pen to paper and write a letter telling them they no longer had any place in my life or spot in my heart.  I am void of that coldness. 

Regardless of what my ex would claim are the reasons for those letters or the reasons he did the things he did, it is rooted in a selfish and controlling behaviors.  I can see now clear as day that a life with a man like that would have left me unfulfilled and empty.  I would rather go out and have hope in my heart that I can find the match for me than settle into someone who did not have that selfless love for me.

I do not love him anymore but I still miss and I am still sad about the way things ended and specifically the final things he did to me.  I often told my ex during our fights it was not the things he did or said, but the way he did them and the way he said them which hurt far more than I could explain. 

Last night I started to think of all the things I would say to my ex and I began to cry.  Despite what you may think, it is not a list of mean names or of all of his shortcomings.  I just wish we had ended things in a much more peaceful manner and acknowledged the good we had before it ended.  I wish he had told me kind things and told me that I was a good wife despite the fact he did not appreciate me.  I wish he had told me that I deserved a man that would be faithful to me and should not have had to forgive him for his mistakes.  It made my heart sink imaging him admit that he really did love me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

If he had said those things, I would have hugged him and told him I know.  I knew it was a mistake.  I know that I did not my fair share of things to cause the failure of our marriage.  I am sorry I wasn’t the best version of my past and I do not think he is an awful person.

After a few minutes of these surprising tears last night, I realized I am never going to get the chance.  I have to accept the apology I was never given and provide the forgiveness that I am just not sure I feel yet. 

New Year’s Day 2010 was when he proposed.  He got down on one knee, he had asked my parents permission, he had saved his money for a beautiful ring and he promised to be the one that took care of me for the rest of my life.  It is only natural for me to think of him around this time. 

But it is truly over and I can not carry my love for him any longer.  I am no where near that person I was when I accepted that proposal.  I am stronger, happier and much more compassionate person that I was back then.  This man has taken up far too much time of my life and caused me far too much pain. 

Tonight when the clock strikes midnight I want to feel more done with him than I’ve ever felt.  It took me a year to remove the final set of memories, to stop all contact, and to start to think about dating new people.  I do not want to cry over him anymore and I can honestly say I do not love him anymore. 

So thank you 2013 for providing me the time, space, and surroundings I needed to officially say Dear Ex, it is so so over.  I do not love you and I do not ever want to be with you! <3 One fabulous lady who is destined for happiness, warmth and lots of good things;)

 

Stronger than you think.

You are strong.

This was a sentence I heard over and over during my separation and ultimate divorce.  While my life felt destroyed and my heart was in a million pieces words of comfort came with a common theme – You are strong. 

When my family told me this, I became furious.  I was not strong.  I was crying every day.  I had lost my appetite.  My eyes sagged and my body hunched.  I ached all over and I felt anything but strong.

Then my friends started.  You are so strong.  Believe in yourself they said.  You are so much better off without him and in time you are going to see that.  You are doing great and you have already proven how strong you are. 

I was losing my mind.  I lost my apartment, I lost half my stuff, I lost my pet, my extended family, and most importantly my best friend.  There was so much loss in my life that I could barely pull myself to face another day.  It seemed like a task simply to breathe.

I cried in line at the post office and quickly explained my husband had an affair.  I cried in the bed, bath and beyond when the woman asked me my wedding date for the returns.  I cried when the dentist call me by my married name.  I cried in every bathroom at work.  I cried at my desk.  I cried on the beach with my friends.  I sobbed at restaurants, movies, and even my brothers National Junior Honor Society inductions.  I cried during runs, I cried in the shower, I cried on the floor, I cried in my bed, I cried in the car, I cried in Starbucks.  I cried hard.

I canceled plans, I missed birthdays, I forgot anniversaries, and I hid from most social outings. Sometimes I didn’t speak for hours and hours on end.  Other times, I panicked because the words wouldn’t stop flowing out.  I broke things, I yelled at people, I blamed the wrong people, I broke more things, and I was downright miserable.

Yet still people continued on and the message poured in from all directions, trust yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see you are very strong.  Over time things got easier and after the worst of the pain subsided a friend again consoled me and said she admired how strong I had been through the worst and darkest of times.

I battled back.  Why did everyone tell me that?  Why did people think I was so strong?

Well she said in those darkest of times did you ever want to take revenge on his mistress?  My response was obvious.  She continued did you ever want to hurt your ex?  Again, too obvious.  She pushed even further, during those darkest hours did you ever want to harm yourself?  Embarrassed, I admitted those thoughts had been present more quite often in those first few months.

She pushed on.  “But you didn’t do any of those things.  You got out of bed every single morning.  You pushed yourself to work, you let your friends help you, and you forced yourself to grow.  You didn’t let it beat you. You didn’t hurt him.  You didn’t go after her.  You didn’t hurt yourself – that’s big!”  As we continued to talk my friend went further saying she admired how I handled the situation and was amazed at the grace and kindness I had shown my ex during the darkest of times.

I will never forget that conversation on the beach with my dear friend.  I will never forget the words of comfort that streamed in during my darkest hours.  As the time comes to put 2013 behind us, I feel really strong.  I can look back and feel that the worst is finally over. 

During my darkest times, I had a tendency to tear myself down and focus on everything I was losing and doing wrong instead of the things I had accomplished and survived.  Now, I try to come from a place of gratitude and pride.  Looking back, it took all the strength I had sometimes just to get out of bed and go through the motions of a normal life. 

But I did it and I pushed and I moved forward.  I would encourage anyone going through a dark time to take pride in the small accomplishments.  On the inside, I was broken and crushed and yet I still presented an exterior that showed my friends and family that I was strong enough to survive.

I do not know what the future holds but I am optimistic I will find good things.  I am blessed to have a strong support network of a few close friends.  No matter the pain, I know I am strong enough to push through and survive. 

 

Baby it's cold outside

Absence makes the heart grow fonder…

After not seeing Mr. Intellect for a few weeks, I was convinced things were going to end quietly and peacefully.  After weighing my options, I decided I owed Mr. Intellect the grown up version of a break-up but also the benefit of doubt too.  I had practiced a few things to say and settled that if we had another awkward moment, I would just suggest we no longer see each other. 

When I heard the knock on the door I was nervous in a different way than before.  Apprehensively, I put on a big smile and went to the door.  Immediately upon entrance, Mr. Intellect kissed me.  Kissed me in a way that made me feel missed.  Kissed me in a way that made my heart race.  He even did the whole hand in hair thing while kissing me. And suddenly I was nervous again about liking this guy.  After two lovely dates and lots more kissing, I am officially smitten all over again.

Maybe it was the onset of winter blues, maybe it’s the apprehension of actually liking someone or the pressure of the holidays, I can’t be sure what made me so adamant that it was over.  But I am sure that those aren't present anymore.

I am tired of over thinking each decision.  I am tired of waiting to get hurt rather than hoping to have fun.  I am tired of keeping walls up to keep me safe and settled.  Maybe Mr. Intellect is going to be a total jerk to me in two months, or maybe he is going to be a total sweetheart.  Maybe I will lose interest but maybe I won’t.  The problem with setting up the walls is I keep out the prospect of both the good and the bad. 

After my divorce, I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees in life.  I hold many regrets when it comes to my failed relationship, but one thing I regret the most is not appreciating the love between my ex and I when we had the love.  There are many times I think back to the time I spent with my ex and wonder why I didn’t appreciate him more or enjoy the situation more.  We did fabulous things together and he was good to me in a lot of ways and yet I did not appreciate him or appreciate the goodness that I had.

I don’t want to spend my life looking back and wishing I had more fun.  I want to experience the fun.  I am not exactly sure how to make myself happy but I know that I need to continue to put myself in a position to have fun which in turn will make my happy.

In sum, I am going to keep taking a chance.  I am going to keep enjoying the fact that a few times a month I can kiss a really good looking man.  His steady hands and constant compliments are healing to my bruised ego and good for my soul.  It is a long cold winter and someone to snuggle with is just too nice.

This Saturday night I am taking Mr. Intellect to his first musical show, Jersey Boys, playing here in Philadelphia.  We are going out to dinner first and I am super exited to get dressed up and go out on the town.  Who knows what the future brings but for right now I am going to just have fun and be happy.  One day at a time and enjoy it while I’ve got it.  When it brings me more pain/stress than fun and happiness I shall end it with gracefully.

 

 

Mr. Intellect and I....

What’s next?

Along with my winter blues and holiday struggles, I am having a difficult time evaluating what to do with Mr. Intellect.  Things progressed to a point where we’ve been dating now for about two months but I am not sure what to do next.  I enjoy spending time with him but I also miss my alone time.  I feel a bit strung out between work, my puppy, and Mr. Intellect and my mental health has been taking a toll.

Although I enjoy spending time with him and we are very compatible, there seems to be something missing between us.  Add to that, a few odd moments here and there, my thoughts of my ex, and suddenly I feel very empty inside. Part of me wants to end things but another equal part of me is scared to be entirely alone again.

As I’ve already said, I have little to no experience dating someone with no intentions of falling in love or getting married.  When I entered into this venture I said I wanted to find someone to spend some of my down time with and to really learn more about myself.  The biggest and most obvious goal is to completely get over my ex.  Kissing Mr. Intellect once a week certainly makes it easier to forget my ex.

But now, I’ve been thinking about my ex more and feeling less and less excited about Mr. Intellect.  I think I should catch and release except I am completely dreading having any sort of conversation with him about this.

How do we know when the time is right to end something?  How do I know whether this is a feeling that will pass or whether it’s time to take some me time? 

More so than the answers to these questions, I am having a constant back and forth in my head about whether I am always going to be this person now.  It took me a year to put my life back together and now I really enjoy my alone time.  I appreciate that my apartment can get messy but nobody will be there to see it.  I like spending my Friday nights in my yoga pants and eating chips and salsa for dinner. 

With the season being so busy,  the final push for hours at work before the new year, and many family obligations, I feel so tired all of the time.  Mr. Intellect is a great person and I am not sure whether to just give myself some time or broach the topic with him.  I just do not want to lead him on or cause anyone unnecessary pain.

 

 

 

 

As I continue to learn about myself and shake the dust off my dating skills, I guess this is the next step I need to conquer, releasing the catch back into the market.  Or maybe I won’t and I will continue to snuggle on these cold winter nights and wait until I am feeling more like myself.  I’ve taken a great bit of pride that I’ve been 100% honest with Mr. Intellect about my divorce and struggles with trust, so if starts to probe, I may just admit where I am at and let him make that decision too.

Time will tell what the future brings for us.  Right now, I am going to take it day by day and do some more focusing on making sure I get the things I need to be happy.  Lucky for me, this starts with a weekend in New York City to see my best friend from law school, followed by a night in Princeton with one of my other best friends!  Maybe all a girl needs is a good weekend with friends to really figure out what I want.

Tis the season

It's official the holiday season is upon us

Last year was my first round of holidays without my ex and they came and went with a dark cloud. On every holiday last year my ex texted me. Without fail came well wishes on Thanksgiving and Christmas. At 12:01 my New Years text arrived. He waited until late afternoon for Valentines Day and my birthday present arrived a day early at my office. For me the holidays were hard and even harder with this expectation or curiosity as to whether I would hear from my ex. 

My ex came from a lovely large Southern family. The holidays were a major event bringing family together and celebrating the accomplishments of everyone in between the holidays. I adored his mother, loved his aunts, and was always entertained by his uncles and cousins.  My family situation is almost the exact opposite with dinner being just myself, younger brother and parents. It's hard to not miss the excitement and fun I had at my ex's holiday celebrations. 

This year the message came around 7:30. "Happy Thanksgiving. Always wishing you and your family the best."  So simple and yet a total mind bomb for me. Here I am-Intelligent, independent and yet totally shaken to my core by this man. 

My friends rally around me and once again are overwhelmed with rage at this man. How dare he continue to put me on this roller coaster of up and downs. I need to tell him not to contact me anymore, they tell me.  Plus, after he wrote me a letter telling me this chapter was always closed and no friendship could survive, it makes my friends even angrier that he would still text me.

I can't help but think about him. I'm so curious as to why he sent the message. Did he think of me throughout the day in the same way his presence haunted me? Will we ever be completely out of each other's lives? Will there come a holiday where I am so happy with someone else that I won't ache for him? 

Maybe it's the text message. Maybe it's the winter blues. I've been off my game and feeling heavy. Although I've made so much progress since last year, I am still amazed by how much pain my divorce had caused in the deepest parts of my heart. As I learned time and time again, this feeling too shall pass. 

Regardless of his message, my ex does not care enough about me to be in my life anymore. He didn't value me. He didn't cherish me and he certainly cannot come back into my life. 

Although this season is hard, it is much better than last year.  To me this means, it will get easier with time.  The holidays can be a difficult time to be single and its important for me to come from a place of gratitude rather than pity.  There is no point in me fantasizing about the past holidays I had with me ex because he has made it more than obvious that my life with him would not have been filled with joyous celebrations.