Where did the time go?
It has been so long since I posted and so many high, lows,
and laughs to report on in the very near future. My January was dedicated entirely to my job
and I knew it would be ahead of time. I
was committed to working seven days a week from January 2-February 5th
and almost made it. While I did take a
few Saturday entirely off, work had primarily taken over my life.
I am a young attorney and enjoy my position very much. I am very blessed to be working with a small firm and have a great deal of
responsibilities and opportunities despite my minimum experience. On my calendar, I had four arbitrations
beginning January 17 and ending February 5.
To give perspective, on average I had done one arbitration every 4-6
months and my last one before a panel had been an entire year ago. Add to that the anticipation of my annual
review and trying to balance a new relationship, the month came and went in a
blur.
Sometimes I realize I take for granted my position. I once told my friend how bored I was working
and disappointed that I only had the opportunity to get out of the office 3-4
days a month. She admonished my
disappointment pointing out how amazing it was that I had three to four day a
month where I experienced a passion and adrenaline for something I loved. She reminded me some people were never so
lucky to ever reach a career which offered such opportunities and beyond that I
had found one that offered me a rush of exhilaration three to four times a
month. (p.s. I mentioned I had such wise
friends in earlier post, let me footnote to this to say my friend is awesome
and close enough to give it to me straight but wrapped in love/support.)
I love lawyering. I
love the organization and efforts that go into preparing a case for trial or
arbitration. As I sit at that table with
my documents before me, my witnesses in the room, and notes of what I am going
to say, I feel an adrenaline rush soaring from my mouth to my toes. While always half on the verge of letting the
nausea fully take over and half on the urge of running away, there is an
eagerness I can’t find anywhere else. Part of me feelings like I am preparing for
war – my binder is full of strategies and maneuvers and despite my large
ammunition I must decide which moves to make and when to fire. When I stand, I feel confident, I feel tall,
I feel prepared to articulate my opinions in persuasive ways. I am focused on the themes of my
presentation, the explanation of arguments that I’ve said a half dozen times
before today, and the desired result.
Then there is the fear of losing that can set it. The acceptance of the subjective point of
view. The realization that you can do
everything in your power to win a case and despite your best efforts, the
Judge, the Jury, the Arbitrators will disagree.
This part of the law never gets an easier to accept. Imaging pouring your energy and efforts into
a case and knowing there was nothing more you could do to change the
outcome.
This is where I’ve been these past few weeks. I’ve been living with the highs and lows of
litigation. I am constantly realizing how
much of the law I still have to learn and often overwhelmed by how many tasks
lie before me. I worked hard and
long. I prepared cases that settled on
the eve of arbitration, I celebrated a victory in an arbitration, I am
anticipating a loss in one result to come, and I am waiting as the final one
was continued.
The glaring result of the past 6 weeks is that if I pure my
heart, my soul, and all my energy into my legal career, I will not be satisfied. Although the wins are great and the good days
better, I know deep down I want more. I
want to celebrate with my friends and continue to have meaningful and rewarding
friendships. I want to grow in my faith
and feel at peace internally. I want to
make time to stay physically fit and keep my body strong and healthy.
I want to find someone to share every blessing, every
opportunity, every disappointment and every celebration. My love for the law is deep and I think our
relationship is just at the beginning. We
get each other. We spend long hours
together. We make each other laugh. I feel challenged when I am with the
law. The feeling I get standing before
my feet and arguing to a group of strangers can keep me on fire for days and
days. I cannot wait to experience a jury
trial and still jump out of bed just to argue a motion. But if all I do is love
the law, the law will leave me lonely. The
law doesn’t hold you when you feeling down.
The law doesn’t praise you and celebrate with you. The law holds your flaws against you. The law doesn’t forgive your mistakes.
This legal mind is not far enough gone not to realize the
law won’t give it all to me. That said, I
am so glad the law is in my life. The law
makes me excited. The law gets me out of
bed. The law makes sense. The law presents such opportunities. The law and I have just brushed the
surface. I still want more though.
Cognito ergo sum.
No comments:
Post a Comment