Absence makes the heart grow fonder…
After not seeing Mr. Intellect for a few weeks, I was
convinced things were going to end quietly and peacefully. After weighing my options, I decided I owed
Mr. Intellect the grown up version of a break-up but also the benefit of doubt
too. I had practiced a few things to say
and settled that if we had another awkward moment, I would just suggest we no
longer see each other.
When I heard the knock on the door I was nervous in a
different way than before.
Apprehensively, I put on a big smile and went to the door. Immediately upon entrance, Mr. Intellect
kissed me. Kissed me in a way that made
me feel missed. Kissed me in a way that
made my heart race. He even did the
whole hand in hair thing while kissing me. And suddenly I was nervous again
about liking this guy. After two lovely dates and lots more kissing, I am officially smitten all over again.
Maybe it was the onset of winter blues, maybe it’s the
apprehension of actually liking someone or the pressure of the holidays, I
can’t be sure what made me so adamant that it was over. But I am sure that those aren't present anymore.
I am tired of over thinking each decision. I am tired of waiting to get hurt rather than
hoping to have fun. I am tired of
keeping walls up to keep me safe and settled.
Maybe Mr. Intellect is going to be a total jerk to me in two months, or
maybe he is going to be a total sweetheart.
Maybe I will lose interest but maybe I won’t. The problem with setting up the walls is I keep out the prospect of both the good and the bad.
After my divorce, I learned the hard way that there are no
guarantees in life. I hold many regrets
when it comes to my failed relationship, but one thing I regret the most is not
appreciating the love between my ex and I when we had the love.
There are many times I think back to the time I spent with my ex and
wonder why I didn’t appreciate him more or enjoy the situation more. We did fabulous things together and he was good to me in a lot of ways and yet I did not appreciate him or appreciate the goodness that I had.
I don’t want to spend my life looking back and wishing I had
more fun. I want to experience the
fun. I am not exactly sure how to make
myself happy but I know that I need to continue to put myself in a position to
have fun which in turn will make my happy.
In sum, I am going to keep taking a chance. I am going to keep enjoying the fact that a
few times a month I can kiss a really good looking man. His steady hands and constant compliments are
healing to my bruised ego and good for my soul. It is a long cold winter and someone to snuggle with is just too nice.
This Saturday night I am taking Mr. Intellect to his first
musical show, Jersey Boys, playing here in Philadelphia. We are going out to dinner first and I am
super exited to get dressed up and go out on the town. Who knows what the future brings but for right
now I am going to just have fun and be happy.
One day at a time and enjoy it while I’ve got it. When it brings me more pain/stress than fun
and happiness I shall end it with gracefully.
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