You are strong.
This was a sentence I heard over and over during my
separation and ultimate divorce. While
my life felt destroyed and my heart was in a million pieces words of comfort
came with a common theme – You are strong.
When my family told me this, I became furious. I was not strong. I was crying every day. I had lost my appetite. My eyes sagged and my body hunched. I ached all over and I felt anything but
strong.
Then my friends started.
You are so strong. Believe in
yourself they said. You are so much
better off without him and in time you are going to see that. You are doing great and you have already
proven how strong you are.
I was losing my mind.
I lost my apartment, I lost half my stuff, I lost my pet, my extended
family, and most importantly my best friend.
There was so much loss in my life that I could barely pull myself to
face another day. It seemed like a task
simply to breathe.
I cried in line at the post office and quickly explained my
husband had an affair. I cried in the
bed, bath and beyond when the woman asked me my wedding date for the
returns. I cried when the dentist call
me by my married name. I cried in every
bathroom at work. I cried at my
desk. I cried on the beach with my
friends. I sobbed at restaurants,
movies, and even my brothers National Junior Honor Society inductions. I cried during runs, I cried in the shower, I
cried on the floor, I cried in my bed, I cried in the car, I cried in
Starbucks. I cried hard.
I canceled plans, I missed birthdays, I forgot
anniversaries, and I hid from most social outings. Sometimes I didn’t speak for
hours and hours on end. Other times, I
panicked because the words wouldn’t stop flowing out. I broke things, I yelled at people, I blamed
the wrong people, I broke more things, and I was downright miserable.
Yet still people continued on and the message poured in from
all directions, trust yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see you are
very strong. Over time things got easier
and after the worst of the pain subsided a friend again consoled me and said
she admired how strong I had been through the worst and darkest of times.
I battled back. Why
did everyone tell me that? Why did
people think I was so strong?
Well she said in those darkest of times did you ever want to
take revenge on his mistress? My
response was obvious. She continued did
you ever want to hurt your ex? Again,
too obvious. She pushed even further,
during those darkest hours did you ever want to harm yourself? Embarrassed, I admitted those thoughts had
been present more quite often in those first few months.
She pushed on. “But
you didn’t do any of those things. You
got out of bed every single morning. You
pushed yourself to work, you let your friends help you, and you forced yourself
to grow. You didn’t let it beat you. You
didn’t hurt him. You didn’t go after
her. You didn’t hurt yourself – that’s
big!” As we continued to talk my friend
went further saying she admired how I handled the situation and was amazed at
the grace and kindness I had shown my ex during the darkest of times.
I will never forget that conversation on the beach with my
dear friend. I will never forget the
words of comfort that streamed in during my darkest hours. As the time comes to put 2013 behind us, I
feel really strong. I can look back and
feel that the worst is finally over.
During my darkest times, I had a tendency to tear myself
down and focus on everything I was losing and doing wrong instead of the things
I had accomplished and survived. Now, I
try to come from a place of gratitude and pride. Looking back, it took all the strength I had
sometimes just to get out of bed and go through the motions of a normal
life.
But I did it and I pushed and I moved forward. I would encourage anyone going through a dark
time to take pride in the small accomplishments. On the inside, I was broken and crushed and
yet I still presented an exterior that showed my friends and family that I was
strong enough to survive.
I do not know what the future holds but I am optimistic I
will find good things. I am blessed to
have a strong support network of a few close friends. No matter the pain, I know I am strong enough
to push through and survive.
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