What comes next?

                                              Status Update with Mr. Intellect

 

Things with Mr. Intellect and I are progressing into some sort of unspoken relationship.  We date consistently and exclusively but have avoided adding a title to this situation.  There are so many things that I do enjoy about Mr. Intellect yet at the same time there are things holding me back from fully plunging into a relationship.

First, the positives – Mr. Intellect is the most mature person I have ever dated.  He has a challenging career and is very much an emotional and people person.  He rarely arrives at a date empty handed and is constantly spoiling me with flowers, chocolates, and bottles of wine.  He is easy to talk to and well spoken.  We both have a passion for words and stories and he keeps me on my toes intellectually when we are together. Plus along with being the most mature, he is also the most fit person I’ve date.  Mr. Intellect is a total cross fit junkie and has an intensely sculpted body overflowing with muscles in every location. 

Now you ask, well what on earth could be the problem?  We typically date once a week which for Mr. Intellect is not nearly enough time despite us living about twenty minutes apart and each having demanding careers.  So here is the current pattern.  We hang out and have a great time together.  There may be one or two things he does during that time that agitated me or annoy me, but most of the time I keep that to myself.  We separate and I am left feeling giddy for about the first 24-48 hours and then I start to get inside my head. 

 I’ve been trying to down play my feelings for Mr. Intellect.  I remain guarded and have said if this ends I will feel bummed but will not cry.  I haven’t quite allowed myself to feel that major emotional connection and am worried about becoming dependent on his attention.  I know all too well how quickly a relationship can end and the pain that come from trying to mend yourself after you gave pieces of your heart away to another person.

That said, it is becoming more and more obvious that I am enjoying my time with Mr. Intellect.  He has me checking my phone multiple times a day and anxious for a new text or snapchat.  Let me tell you, this alone drives me insane.  I do not want to be all anxious and distracted about whether I am or am not receiving messages from some guy – albeit amazing or not.  I am going to keep trying but with every positive experience comes another wall for me that has to come down.

I’ve never dated like this before and I do not intend to end it just yet.  My motto remains do know harm.  I’ve been the most authentic version of myself that I am capable of being and have been entirely transparent with my fears of trust and commitment.  I am not entirely sure what I am looking for and I am not entirely sure if Mr. Intellect would fulfill those needs.  But for the time being, can’t a girl just accept flowers and lovely dates with stimulating conversation and not overanalyze the future? 

 

Keep Calm and Run On

Running releases so much more than just sweat

Lately I’ve been running more and more often.  Things in my career and personal life are both proceeding at a demanding and rapid pace and there is something soothing to me about running my thoughts out in the streets of Philadelphia.  I have always been someone who enjoyed exercising and staying physically fit, but was never someone who really loved running until the year my marriage ended.

As the New Year approached, it became more and more obvious of the underlying issues in my marriage.  Now with the pleasure of hindsight I can more fully look back and evaluate the clear timeline that occurred.  In January my husband told me he did not love me and more e-mails, text messages, and interactions were uncovered between my ex and his mistress.  By February, things had heated to us living separate in our open loft with a time scheduled to not see each other and by March he asked me to move out of our apartment. 

At the same time, my friend and I had made a New Year’s Resolution to participate in the Broad Street 10 Miles Run in Philadelphia.  Neither of us were runners at heart and both a bit weary of the idea for running for more than an hour.  We consulted with a running expert and were given a detailed schedule and work out plan.  On we went beginning at 2 miles in the first weeks of January and working ourselves up to 7-8 miles in April.

In these months, my love affair with running began.  My friend and I quickly became much closer and she was such a great resource as my marriage crumbled by my side.  She would arrive at my house and I would be a bucket of tears telling her of the latest text message I had found between my ex and the other woman.  We would talk about it for a few minutes – stretch – and then just run.  We both prefer to run with headphones and it was easy for me to get lost in thoughts as there was so much on my mind.

There was something perfect about running for me at that time in my life.  I remember sometimes I would focus on one specific thought for the entire forty minutes I ran.  I would boil over how angry I was with my ex and say to myself for forty straight minutes you get to tell him off every way possible in your head and then you are done for the entire night.  Sometimes my friend could easily tell this was my strategy as I could be practically sprinting with a look of anger and disgust on my face for miles and miles and miles.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself that every mile I ran was one mile further from my divorce.  Each miles completed was one more thing I had done on my own and would not have done if I remained in that toxic marriage any longer.  I was convinced that if my body became physically strong that my mental health would soon follow and I could learn to cope with all of the feelings of sadness, rejection, and shame.

I ran 6 races following my divorce.  I ran with my younger brother, I ran with my best friends, and I ran alone.  I ran competitively and I ran for run.  I ran through color, ran through mud, and ran through zombies.  I can easily say now I do enjoy running although will never really identify myself as a runner at heart.  I do not run fast and have no dreams or desires to ever complete a marathon.

But during a time in my life when I felt powerless and weak, my legs carried me along and demonstrated just how much they could handle.  When I was jogging down Broad Street for the ten miler, I felt a sense of pride that was extremely rejuvenating at a time when I had felt so much shame.

Fall has always been my favorite time to run.  The cool breeze in your face, the leaves changing colors, and people trying to enjoy the temperatures outside before winter arrives.  I’ve particularly grown to enjoy running in the city and down the Ben Franklin Parkway past the museum to boathouse row on Kelly Drive.

I’ve been running alone lately and although I am not going through a divorce now, I still find running great for my mental health.  Things with Mr. Intellect are proceeding well but I am constantly struggling internally with what I feel and what I want to feel.  Running lets me process some of what’s happening with no other distractions.  On the other hand, running lets me jam out to Katy Perry and remember just how strong I am and everything I’ve been through.

Although it can be difficult with such a fast paced life and busy social schedules but I truly believe that staying physically fit is not only healthy for your body but beneficial to your mind.  I know for me in times of confusion or sadness, running has always been a comforting activity.  I can never look back and say – man I really regret that run – never happens.

I am becoming quite the jogger these days and although I would like to say it is because I am in such great shape and become super fit, but honestly I think it is more because I am really taking on a lot mentally and my mind needs the time to process. 

How do I let myself become more vulnerable with someone else?  How do I find time for a new person in my life when I have already filled my life with so many other friendships and activities?  What do I really want? 

I’ll let you know more in after I jog a few more miles ;)

 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Forward…retreat…Forward

Things with Mr. Intellect are progressing quite nicely.  I cannot keep posting the date count or phone call count because to be honest it makes me a little bit nervous.  As I progress with Mr. Intellect I am constantly battling doubts in my mind.  I like him.  But wait, do I like him?  We have fun, a lot of fun and I laugh a lot.  But where do I want this to go?  And more importantly, do I really have to know?

Somehow as Mr. Intellect and I have progressed we have magically not had “the talk.”  And gI am so glad that we have not had some serious what are we conversation.  As I continue to find out through my life, I need to be more and more comfortable in the moment and without making plans for the future or trying to categorize certain things.  It is evident we are dating and evident from his statements that we are dating monogamously but I still would not feel comfortable saying that I have a boyfriend.  There is something fitting in the no talk status that I like!

This is an interesting time period in my life.  Dating just to date and not looking for a mate. (Yes, I even have a new rhyming mantra).  So what does it mean just to date?  Am I just looking for compatibility?  Am I just hoping for someone who makes me feel good about myself?  If so, then Mr. Intellect does both those things so very well.  I enjoy spending time with him and it is so nice to date a man who wants to take me out on a Saturday night!  The hours we spend together pass quickly and I am obviously attracted to him.  He is so gentle and sweet!

The day after a date with Mr. Intellect, I practically jump out of bed and am instantly giddy upon seeing a text message from him.  But as the day fades and passes into more days in between our dates, I tend to down play my feelings.  I convince myself that this is a very superficial dating experience and try to eliminate any true feelings I may have for him.  I have trouble committing to plans far in advance and can be a bit aloof at times via text messaging.  I get extremely nervous when the next date arrives and then within minutes, my feelings of anxiety have passed and I am back to crushing hard on Mr. Intellect.

Forward, back, forward, back.  I like him.  I do not like him.  He means something to me.  He means nothing to me.  Back and forth I go with my emotions trying to discern which are the feelings of my heart and which are the doubts of my mind.  The bottom line – I do not know and I do not feel like wasting any more time figuring it out. 

It comes down to fear of getting hurt.  The more I allow myself to be vulnerable around him and develop feelings for him, the more I risk allowing myself to get hurt.  I know that the more I give the more potential I have to gain, but still that does not exactly make it easy for me to want to give to him.  As my friend reminded me, there is just so way Mr. Intellect could ever break my heart in the same way by ex did.  Plus I am not the same person I was when I met my ex years ago. I’ve changed and I know more about myself than I knew back them.  Older and wiser ;)

I’ve promised to be the most authentic version of myself throughout this dating process.  I will be positive and constantly reflect on the progress I’ve made.  I know in my heart I do like Mr. Intellect and have a great time with him.  I will take it one day at a time and appreciate the opportunities to get out on the town with a really attractive, kind, and funny man.

This Thursday we are going to a show together in the city and I am really looking forward to both the show and sharing it with him.  Beyond that date, who knows what will come but I am sure glad for the things we have done.

Mr. Intellect has a much larger palette than I do and it has been really fun trying new foods and restaurants with him.   I have a renewed appreciation for Philadelphia and everything it has to offer.  He has also reminded me of all the benefits of living in center city rather than the suburbs. 

I am going to continue to fight the natural urges to put up walls in between us and just allow whatever is meant to be to follow.  I am sticking to the old dating adage of allowing him to the be the next to text and call – maybe even back to back depending on what he says ;)

P.s. this Ted talk speaks perfectly about the correlations between vulnerability and happiness. Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

 

One year ago...

It’s been a year since the ink’s been dry.

A year ago, I came home from work and checked my mail and proceeded up the elevator to my apartment.  In my mail was a handwritten envelope in my ex’s handwriting.  I had no idea what he could be sending me and I suddenly felt nausea as the elevator climbed to my floor dreadfully slow. Staring at his familiar handwriting with my maiden name written in huge letters, I felt sick.

I opened my door and quickly tore open the envelope.  There it was my final divorcee decree.  There was no accompanying letter, no note, no dear ex-wife I am sorry, just a legal document sealed with both our names listed at top and announcing the divorce was finalized.  And like that it was over.  I never appeared in Court.  No judge or lawyer ever heard the stories of the ways I was wronged and I never got to tell anyone the woes of my broken heart.  He never stood before anyone and took accountability for his actions. I stared at those words that told so little of the story that had been my life and I felt dead inside.

And then all at once, I felt every emotion possible.  I was weak in the knees and I stumbled to the floor.  I lay there staring at this document with uncontrollable tears.  I had spent over a year planning what I believed would be a fabulous wedding.  There were months of preparations, meetings with DJs, photographers, bakers, and planners.  There were family dinners and hours spent making decisions.  There were two months of pre-marital counseling with our pastor prior to our nuptials.  He stood before 130 of our closest friends and family and vowed to always love and protect me….and then suddenly he didn’t want to do any of that. And this paper was all he needed to be done.  File this, sign there, wham bam thank you mam you are single.

He ended it on his terms - with no meetings, with no pastors, with no therapist, with meaningless explanations and with no closure.  All that was left was this silly piece of paper – the legal document that now sealed our fate with the Court system and I felt terribly alone.  He had not even given me the courtesy to know the papers were on the way, to be prepared with a bottle of wine and close friends to get my through that first awful night of being legally divorced.

I remember calling or texting each of my best friends.  I adore my friends and am eternally grateful for the words of comfort that flooded in. In the time from my divorce to present, these five woman scattered across the country have helped me get to where I needed to be. Each one with a different perspective, but a consistent theme, this was the final step I needed to move on, this was an inevitable step of his decisions, I was strong and would be happy again one day.  Just hold on, it’s going to get better they all said. And don’t do anything too crazy!

I did not believe any of them and in a way as much I loved them I felt so terrible alone.  I walked to the wine store, crying, came home and drank until I couldn’t feel the pain.  I woke up the next day with tears in my eyes.  I didn’t feel as if I had slept a single moment.  I prayed for peace and comfort and maybe, just maybe time would truly heal my wounds as everyone had said.

It has officially been a year since I received my divorce papers in the mail.  One year I have been divorced now and I can honestly say I finally feel as if I am back on the right track.  I’m reminded of a quote I once read regarding the path towards Christianity, “I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I once was.  I’m okay, I am on my way.” 

That’s how I feel as I look back in this year where the ink has been dry.  I’ve made tremendous progress towards accepting myself, accepting my mistakes, and becoming an independent and happy person.  However, I know as I continue to self-evaluate that I am still not where I need to be in terms of completely loving myself and being at a steady place of peace and happiness.

My friends were right.  Time has helped heal the wounds.  I still get sad.  I still get raging mad sometimes.  But I do not feel nearly as bad as I did that day.  I thought my world was going to be over and I had no idea how I would face the upcoming days.  But I faced them and I continued to move forward and I am so happy that I did.  I faced a choice between becoming a bitter, angry, divorcee or a hopeful wounded dreamer with the courage to pursue happiness.  I am still on my pursuit but I thank God I am not where I once was.

 

 

 

I'm divorced....

I’m divorced…

I successfully told Mr. Intellect I am divorced.  It was terrifying. 

He arrived at my house around 7:00 p.m. and we ordered dinner immediately from my favorite sushi place.  Delivery since it was a week night and I knew I needed to get to bed early. I tried to relax and act normal around him but I could barely stand the anticipation. 

I am usually someone who is very quick with a response and articulate.  However, I was stuttering and stammering up a storm.  I could barely hold a normal conversation for fear I would just blurt the words right out of my mouth.  I was delaying until we were finished with dinner.  It seems mean to send a hungry man away from my house if he wanted to leave.

Finally an opportune moment came and the words poured out of me.  Of course despite my many recommendations to the contrary, I started off by saying, “I’ve got something to tell you…” and then I froze.  My palms were noticeably sweating, my hands twitching, and my words shaky.  He looks terrified.  What could I have to say that was so bad?  My mouth was sudden dry and I could not bring myself to say it but finally I pushed it out…

“My ex is actually my ex-husband.  Everything I’ve told you is true accept I prefer the word affair to cheat since we were very married when he did what he did to me.  I generally do not like to talk about it because it is extremely embarrassing.  I was literally engaged twice as long as my actual marriage lasted.  In hindsight, we should never have gotten married.  We were terrible incompatible but it all seemed right at the time.”

Mr. Intellect, “Oh.  Well no big deal.  I am glad you told me.  Is that why you have been acting so strange?”

Me: “What? No big deal.  Yes big deal we need to discuss. Answers questions and move on.  And yes that’s obviously why I’ve been so scared.”

Mr. Intellect: “Did you think I would care? Did you think I would leave? Obviously we aren’t kids anymore.  We both have pasts. I can understand why you would feel embarrassed. But next time please don’t wait an hour and half to tell me something that is so clearly on your mind.”

I went on to tell him a few more details - where we met, the timeline of our relationship, and more importantly the timeline of our separation.  It wasn’t easy to talk about and it felt terrible personal.  However, it’s one more step towards moving forward.  I did not cry although I came very close at one point.

I carry my divorce like a scar.  I am ashamed of my divorce and I know I shouldn’t be.  I know there was nothing I did or could have done to save my marriage.  But it does not change the fact that I am still ashamed.  Coming clean to Mr. Intellect is one more step towards not feeling so ashamed.  And he took it so well.  I will not wait to tell the next person I date that I was divorced.  I think this was a major step in me being less embarrassed by my divorce.  And it’s the first time I told someone I really liked and was dating.  That first time will never happen again and when you are conquering a divorce getting pasts the firsts is extremely important.  Much like grieving the death of a person, the failure of a marriage lingers throughout the first year with the first birthday alone, the first Christmas apart,etc.  I’ve added one more first to my list and it won’t ever be as bad as it was that time.

And guys…….he still likes me ;)  even as a young love crazed divorcee ;) ;)   

It's time to tell

It’s time to tell him I am a divorcee

I am telling Mr. I that I was married and divorce tonight.  I’ve made up my mind and am entirely committed to doing it.  While in California on my amazing vacation, I had the opportunity to really think about where I’ve been and where I’m going.  I finally think I am approaching point where I can honestly say I love myself and I love everything about me.  Of course, I don’t love the places I’ve been and the pain I’ve suffered but it has also made me a better person.  I am more compassionate following my divorce.  I am less rigid and live more for the moment.  I can keep things in better perspective.  My friendships have grown tremendously following my divorce.  I know more of who I am and what I want now than I ever did at 23.

But I am so scared to tell him.  I could not fall asleep last night.  I have that far too common pit in my stomach permeating with each passing hour.  I have decided to share my most embarrassing secret, my biggest regret, my deepest scar and I am so nervous he may reject me based on this.  And if he does it is fair of him but will certainly hurt me.

I am very mad at my ex today.  If he had just been honest, if he had told me the things he did prior to marrying me….  It just isn’t fair sometimes that I did everything in my power to save my marriage but am left with this scar, this unbelievable pain, and now this uncomfortable future conversation.  The fact that my ex immaturity and dishonesty can cause detriment to my future relationship makes me so mad it’s almost implausible.

Of course maybe Mr. I won’t be so quick to judge.  Maybe it won’t be some colossal divulgence of information.  With any luck he has had friends go through a divorce.  Of course, I can downplay my marriage too being that it was in fact only seven months before my ex physically cheated on me again and eight months before we were separated.  The inks been dry almost a year, we had no kids, and no mortgage.

I am really nervous.  I’ve asked all my friends how to brooch the subject, I’ve got some ideas and options.  Part of me thinks that I may tell him within the first five minutes just to get this heavy heavy weight off my shoulder.  I told my dearest friend that I would be quick – get in and get out.  Hey Mr. I, remember that ex I mentioned, well he was actually my ex-husband.  And we were briefly married for about seven months.  He hurt me really bad but now I’ve moved on.  I am happy to answer any and all questions you may have.  To which my dear friend burst out laughing at the image of me being brief on this topic.  Let’s get real, it’s going to be rambling word vomit but I hope he accepts me and still likes me.

I need to do this for me.  I can’t allow myself to develop anything other than superficial feeling for Mr. I until I know that he knows the real me.  I can’t fully forgive myself for my divorce until I start accepting it as a part of who I am and not some dirty secret.

 

Today my mantra has been continuous, “please give me the courage to come clean and the strength to accept myself flaws and all.”  More to follow.  Sometimes being divorced really sucks and the anger for the ex returns with vengeance.  

 

Date 4 & Date 5

DATE 4 & DATE 5

Mr. Intellect and I have gone out again twice since my last post and things are progressing wonderfully.  I’ve realized that my blog may become a bit boring as my goal to kiss fifteen guys by Christmas is now rapidly changing to how to handle actually having a crush on a new guy.

Mr. Intellect and I went out for a nice dinner Wednesday before my business trip.  We had a few awkward moments before dinner with me being a bit overly sensitive to some of his remarks.  I’ve realized that my ex used to make such negative comments about my career that I become overly protective when people comment on my lawyerly status.  However, after reflecting the following day, it is so obvious Mr. I’s comments were not meant to be hurtful or mean but rather just typically banter.  Mr. I ended up staying at my apartment very very late and it was another wonderful date.  He is easy to talk to, very good looking, and makes me laugh.  His compliments leave me smiling for days.  He has a beard/mustache though and I am realizing that beard burn is a really big problem for my super sensitive skins – any tips ladies?

While in NYC for my women’s leadership conference, I received a few really supportive texts messages followed by a fun long phone call Friday afternoon.  I had plans to head down to Princeton, NJ Saturday to stay with my best friend and her husband for the night.  After that, I was heading on vacation for a long weekend.  Anxious to see me, Mr. Intellect offered to pick me up from Princeton and drive me to Philadelphia which was about an hour or so each way.  I was loving the idea of getting to see him before my vacation but also a little weary of him meeting my friends.  I was worried it may be too soon or may make us too serious.  At the same time, most of my friends do not live in Philadelphia and this seemed like a natural way for him to pass the screening of one of my closest friends.  My married friends were eager to meet him and we decided to do a low-key dinner.  My friend and I also made a homemade pumpkin cheesecake for dessert.  This friend is always so good at making me look domesticated ;)

Mr. Intellect fit right in with me and my friends.  Dinner was brief but conversation flowed naturally.  He was quick with his jokes and very comfortable around my friends.  I almost died when he would droop his arm across the back of my chair or casually place his hand on my leg throughout dinner.  When the check came, I was quick to pay to show him how appreciative I was of him coming to pick me up and making an effort with my friends.  He was obviously appreciative of this gesture!  He was also impressed by our delicious cheesecake. 

After we left my friend’s house, we had an hour drive back to my apartment where again conversation flowed naturally.  In a way it felt as if we had taken a million road trips together and I was quickly chatting his ear off about each and every little thing.  We also had an interesting discussion about what it is like to date.  Back when I was in my early twenties, meeting my friends would be a huge deal.  But now, not so much.  Sure its important to me that my friends like this person but it is just also a natural progression of dating, you meet friends, you meet family, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are planning to get married one day. Back at my apartment, things were equally as fun and eventually we found ourselves having some pretty deep pillow talk. 

I must have made some sort of comment saying “I’ve never dated a guy who plans such great dates or who is interested in so many things.”  To which he replied, “You sure do compare me to a lot of other men you’ve dated.”  I was immediately embarrassed and not sure how to respond.  Sheepishly, I admitted I was not comparing him to many men but comparing him to one particular man.  My ex.  He had been awful to me and ultimately cheated on me.  I did not mention that he was my ex-husband but rather he was my ex from a long term relationship.

Mr. I could not have received this news any better.  He was very kind and gentle but in a non-invasive way.  He told me he had never cheated on anyone in his life and was overly confident that he would never cheat on anyone.  I admitted that it was a bit difficult for me at times to trust people, not just people I dated, but people in general after experiencing such a traumatic relationship built on lies and dishonesty.  I told him that I enjoyed hanging out with him but I begged him to always be honest with me.  If he wasn’t interested any more, just tell me.  Mr. I almost laughed at this simple request, just be honest, got it.  He also asked that I just tell him what I am thinking and be open with him if I am having anxiety with trust or what have you but ultimately just to have fun with him and try to let down some walls. 

I felt so great after this conversation.  Regardless of where this will go or what will happen, it felt nice to explain a little bit more of my issues to someone else.  It also felt like a magic blessing to be with a guy who actually wanted me to talk to him about how I felt and base everything on communication.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed for someone like that in my life.  Mr. I and I talked while I was on vacation and he is coming over tomorrow night for dinner.  I am going to tell him I divorced.  I am committed to it.  More to follow on that subject but in the mean time, think positive thoughts that he takes this well.

Not sure where my blog is going at this point but feels good to share these details with my friends.  I may be venturing into my first real dating experience after my divorce.  I may also be wounding my soul that my scar of divorce has tainted me for future relationships.  Either way, tomorrow night will be major progress for me.  It is exciting just to image that I can have butterflies again and just to be day dreaming about someone else. 

Plus Mr. I is super good looking, super sweet, and seems very into me.  And ladies after the two years I’ve had a little flattery is very healing to my soul.