Forward…retreat…Forward
Things with Mr. Intellect are progressing quite nicely. I cannot keep posting the date count or phone
call count because to be honest it makes me a little bit nervous. As I progress with Mr. Intellect I am
constantly battling doubts in my mind. I
like him. But wait, do I like him? We have fun, a lot of fun and I laugh a
lot. But where do I want this to
go? And more importantly, do I really
have to know?
Somehow as Mr. Intellect and I have progressed we have
magically not had “the talk.” And gI am
so glad that we have not had some serious what are we conversation. As I continue to find out through my life, I
need to be more and more comfortable in the moment and without making plans for
the future or trying to categorize certain things. It is evident we are dating and evident from
his statements that we are dating monogamously but I still would not feel
comfortable saying that I have a boyfriend.
There is something fitting in the no talk status that I like!
This is an interesting time period in my life. Dating just to date and not looking for a
mate. (Yes, I even have a new rhyming mantra).
So what does it mean just to date?
Am I just looking for compatibility?
Am I just hoping for someone who makes me feel good about myself? If so, then Mr. Intellect does both those
things so very well. I enjoy spending
time with him and it is so nice to date a man who wants to take me out on a
Saturday night! The hours we spend
together pass quickly and I am obviously attracted to him. He is so gentle and sweet!
The day after a date with Mr. Intellect, I practically jump
out of bed and am instantly giddy upon seeing a text message from him. But as the day fades and passes into more
days in between our dates, I tend to down play my feelings. I convince myself that this is a very
superficial dating experience and try to eliminate any true feelings I may have
for him. I have trouble committing to
plans far in advance and can be a bit aloof at times via text messaging. I get extremely nervous when the next date
arrives and then within minutes, my feelings of anxiety have passed and I am
back to crushing hard on Mr. Intellect.
Forward, back, forward, back. I like him.
I do not like him. He means
something to me. He means nothing to
me. Back and forth I go with my emotions
trying to discern which are the feelings of my heart and which are the doubts
of my mind. The bottom line – I do not
know and I do not feel like wasting any more time figuring it out.
It comes down to fear of getting hurt. The more I allow myself to be vulnerable
around him and develop feelings for him, the more I risk allowing myself to get
hurt. I know that the more I give the
more potential I have to gain, but still that does not exactly make it easy for
me to want to give to him. As my friend
reminded me, there is just so way Mr. Intellect could ever break my heart in
the same way by ex did. Plus I am not
the same person I was when I met my ex years ago. I’ve changed and I know more
about myself than I knew back them.
Older and wiser ;)
I’ve promised to be the most authentic version of myself
throughout this dating process. I will
be positive and constantly reflect on the progress I’ve made. I know in my heart I do like Mr. Intellect
and have a great time with him. I will
take it one day at a time and appreciate the opportunities to get out on the town
with a really attractive, kind, and funny man.
This Thursday we are going to a show together in the city
and I am really looking forward to both the show and sharing it with him. Beyond that date, who knows what will come
but I am sure glad for the things we have done.
Mr. Intellect has a much larger palette than I do and it has
been really fun trying new foods and restaurants with him. I have
a renewed appreciation for Philadelphia and everything it has to offer. He has also reminded me of all the benefits
of living in center city rather than the suburbs.
I am going to continue to fight the natural urges to put up
walls in between us and just allow whatever is meant to be to follow. I am sticking to the old dating adage of
allowing him to the be the next to text and call – maybe even back to back
depending on what he says ;)
P.s. this Ted talk speaks perfectly about the correlations
between vulnerability and happiness. Brené Brown: The power of
vulnerability
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