It’s been a year since the ink’s been dry.
A year ago, I came home from work and checked my mail and
proceeded up the elevator to my apartment.
In my mail was a handwritten envelope in my ex’s handwriting. I had no idea what he could be sending me and
I suddenly felt nausea as the elevator climbed to my floor dreadfully slow. Staring
at his familiar handwriting with my maiden name written in huge letters, I felt
sick.
I opened my door and quickly tore open the envelope. There it was my final divorcee decree. There was no accompanying letter, no note, no
dear ex-wife I am sorry, just a legal document sealed with both our names
listed at top and announcing the divorce was finalized. And like that it was over. I never appeared in Court. No judge or lawyer ever heard the stories of
the ways I was wronged and I never got to tell anyone the woes of my broken
heart. He never stood before anyone and
took accountability for his actions. I stared at those words that told so
little of the story that had been my life and I felt dead inside.
And then all at once, I felt every emotion possible. I was weak in the knees and I stumbled to the
floor. I lay there staring at this
document with uncontrollable tears. I
had spent over a year planning what I believed would be a fabulous
wedding. There were months of
preparations, meetings with DJs, photographers, bakers, and planners. There were family dinners and hours spent making
decisions. There were two months of
pre-marital counseling with our pastor prior to our nuptials. He stood before 130 of our closest friends
and family and vowed to always love and protect me….and then suddenly he didn’t
want to do any of that. And this paper was all he needed to be done. File this, sign there, wham bam thank you mam
you are single.
He ended it on his terms - with no meetings, with no
pastors, with no therapist, with meaningless explanations and with no
closure. All that was left was this
silly piece of paper – the legal document that now sealed our fate with the
Court system and I felt terribly alone.
He had not even given me the courtesy to know the papers were on the
way, to be prepared with a bottle of wine and close friends to get my through
that first awful night of being legally divorced.
I remember calling or texting each of my best friends. I adore my friends and am eternally grateful
for the words of comfort that flooded in. In the time from my divorce to
present, these five woman scattered across the country have helped me get to
where I needed to be. Each one with a different perspective, but a consistent
theme, this was the final step I needed to move on, this was an inevitable step
of his decisions, I was strong and would be happy again one day. Just hold on, it’s going to get better they
all said. And don’t do anything too crazy!
I did not believe any of them and in a way as much I loved
them I felt so terrible alone. I walked
to the wine store, crying, came home and drank until I couldn’t feel the
pain. I woke up the next day with tears
in my eyes. I didn’t feel as if I had
slept a single moment. I prayed for
peace and comfort and maybe, just maybe time would truly heal my wounds as
everyone had said.
It has officially been a year since I received my divorce
papers in the mail. One year I have been
divorced now and I can honestly say I finally feel as if I am back on the right
track. I’m reminded of a quote I once
read regarding the path towards Christianity, “I am not where I need to be but
thank God I am not where I once was. I’m
okay, I am on my way.”
That’s how I feel as I look back in this year where the ink
has been dry. I’ve made tremendous
progress towards accepting myself, accepting my mistakes, and becoming an independent
and happy person. However, I know as I
continue to self-evaluate that I am still not where I need to be in terms of
completely loving myself and being at a steady place of peace and happiness.
My friends were right.
Time has helped heal the wounds.
I still get sad. I still get
raging mad sometimes. But I do not feel
nearly as bad as I did that day. I
thought my world was going to be over and I had no idea how I would face the upcoming
days. But I faced them and I continued
to move forward and I am so happy that I did.
I faced a choice between becoming a bitter, angry, divorcee or a hopeful
wounded dreamer with the courage to pursue happiness. I am still on my pursuit but I thank God I am
not where I once was.
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