Adventures
I am headed on vacation tomorrow and I am thrilled.
I am off to the sunny skies of California to enjoy some much
needed leisure time and outdoor adventures.
I know I am making progress.
When I first was separated from my ex I felt paralyzed and
paranoid. I did not know how I would
make it through the next day let alone the weeks that followed. I had always been such a planner and my calendar was typically full of events
and vacations planned throughout the entire year.
My ex lived down South and trips for the holidays were often
planned months in advance. I loved
having a place to escape to and always found the trips to both relaxing and
exciting. But now as we separated I was suddenly too scared to move. I was miserable and exhausted. Although I wanted to go away and hide, I was
also too scared to plan anything and too untrusting to allow anyone to plan it
for me. I was spiraling lower and lower
with no hopes of escape.
I had planned a joint family vacation for a beach house down
South before my ex broke the news to me that he no longer loved me and would be
filing for divorce. I remember the
amount of time my family and I circled about what to do with this pre-paid for
beach house. My family was eager to
still venture down but I remember thinking the second I get to I-95 South I
will only think of my ex and all the times we traveled down South
together. It will be awful.
After agonizing over my decision and my inability to make a
decision, I finally called the beach house owner and cried my eyes out. I told her the awful things my ex had done
and why we couldn’t come to her beautiful house. As a divorcee she quickly sympathized with me
and said she would only charge the security deposit. Still no light fee but much better than the
rest. I couldn’t ask my family to pay
for that. They had just incurred an
entire wedding with nothing to show for it less than one year prior. When I first suggested to my ex that we split
the bill, he was ice cold. “You planned
that trip. You pay for that trip.” No less than three e-mails later which
eventually required a cc of his mother did he pay half of the deposit.
(side note I am still mad he didn’t just pay for the entire
thing. He didn’t say to me I know I
promised to love you in sickness and in health for the rest of our lives and
based on the reliance you planned a lovely trip for our families to blend, let
me please pay for that…no that wasn’t the way it went down when we got
divorced)
Now I still had a week off planned into my work schedule and
my parents decided to rent a beach house near-by at the Jersey Shore and
pleaded with me to come. At this point, I
was still crying daily, hardly eating, and couldn’t see straight at times. I felt like a spectacle and that the world
was against me. I felt alone and like
nobody – nobody understood my pain.
I wanted my best friend to be with me. Throughout my childhood, my best friend and I
had sat on that beach, had laughed on the beach, had trucked the boardwalk on
that beach, and had grown up on that beach.
I had felt so much rejection at that point. I felt such a level of anxiety and
distrust. I told my mom I would go if my
best friend came with me but I could not ask my best friend myself. My dear best friend was married lived over 7
hours away and had three children under five.
It was not exactly a walk in the park for her to pick up and join us on
this unplanned vacation. It would be
expected she would say no. It would be
entirely acceptable if she had said no, but I was too afraid to hear it myself.
My friend said yes. I don’t know the particulars of the
conversation she and my mom had but I know that when I found out I cried tears
of relief. Sometimes you can’t exactly
even put into words what you need or want and there really wasn’t anything I wanted
my friend to say I just wanted to see her.
She came with her husband and children and joined us on the beach. It took her over ten hours to get there with
her little babies packed in the back.
Looking back, I was not very good company. I was a shell of a person and I think mostly
my friend and family were a little scared of where I was at. I sat on the
beach, I kept to myself, but I was so glad my friend was there. Seeing the innocence of her children enjoying
the beach, being able to tell her the things in my heart and worries face to
face, and sharing some of our favorite pizza was exactly what I needed. There were no magic words but just a
repetitive theme that I would be okay, it was not my fault this happen, and things
would get better with time.
Watch the waves crash my therapist told me before I
left. No matter what the waves never
stop she said. Remember life goes
on. These words stuck with me and that
was all I did for hours, watched the waves, read my book, and let my mind heal
try to heal itself. Sometimes I sat
there silently ignoring questions posed to me.
I looked like I was on the verge of tears most of that trip.
It took me another year before I could plan another vacation
and a lot of courage to book that first plane ticket. No surprise another one of my best friends
was there by my side that time. I will
post about that vacation another time ;)
For me, this is a big step going on vacation tomorrow. It a sign I have grown and can trust myself
to have fun. I would not plan trips
before because I had no idea what state of mind I would be in when the trip
arrived. Would I be in that dark spot
and entirely miserable? Would I get so anxious that I couldn’t board the
plane? I remember those feelings
vividly.
I have anxiety about this trip but nowhere near the
past. I am going to board that plane
with my head high and my eyes straight ahead.
Fun awaits me in a far away land and I can not wait to explore it. I’ve come a long way in a year and I am ready
to live the life God had planned for me.
I am thankful for the dear friends that took me on those first few
vacations reminding me that I deserved rest and relaxation and all those were
capable without my ex.
Here I come California.
Bring on the free spirits. The liberals. The wine and cheese. The beautiful scenery. The fun to be had. I know that I deserve the happiness that is
to follow.
I love you! Hope you enjoyed Cali!!
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