MAN CHILD
My ex was a man child. Definition of a “man-child” someone who
resembles a man from the outside but still has internal issues which cause them
to act like a child and require mothering rather than typically loving.
Of course – in hindsight I now see
clearly how obvious my ex’s man child actions were. From small issues to major issues- some
humorous and others down right insulting.
But this is not a rant about my ex but rather a discussion of man
child’s.
My ex is not the first man child I’ve had
in my life. My dad resembles the largest
man child I’ve ever encounter. In my twenties,
particularly in the years following my heartbreak, I have taken time to
evaluate my past and recognize my “childhood issues.”
I do not come from a home of love,
warmth, compassion and sympathy. It’s
not to say I come from an abusive household or one which could easily be
identified as a troubled home. My
parents were always employed and have remained married beyond thirty
years. But the love they have developed
is not one that I desire.
Let me also add I love my dad. I love my mom and I will always love and
cherish them both.
My dad and I were always close, very
very close. We talked sports, life, and
colleges throughout my life. By the time
I reached high school, it was typical for conversations to start, “don’t tell
you mother but I did x”. Now “x” may
have been an investment decision, a large purchase, and even health care
decision.” When the big decisions had to
get made, my dad was confiding in me rather than my mother.
My dad can’t cook. My dad didn’t start doing the dishes until
about three years ago at the ripe age of 62.
My dad has never cleaned the house properly. He has tried but often causes much more of a
mess that originally started. My dad has
never used a tool, fixed a broken light bulb or been able to take the car to
the mechanics. He hates technology,
never learned to set the VCR, still doesn’t know what an input is, and often
loses everything.
Add to that he is has a temper, the
language of a sailor, and is by far the most impatient person I’ve ever
met. (He has good qualities too but this
is a post about his man childness). He
never knows what my mom bought us for Christmas, he has never sent a thank-you
card, he doesn’t garden, he won’t help with holiday decorations, and he is the messiest
eater anyone has ever seen.
In high school, it wasn’t easy being the
secret keeper. Hearing the trials and
issues my father had with my mother.
Being positioned against my father with my mother’s constant bickering
and nagging.
When my dad’s mother died in college, it
was me that brought him comfort. My mom
barely even tried knowing that my dad would be far more comforted by me than
her. My dad wanted to go to the bars in
his old neighborhood and see some of the people that would remember his
mom. At the age of 21, I drove my dad
from bar to bar. At each bar, he would
order us a shot and a drink. I quickly
realized, I would be chugging water in the bathroom and winking at the
bartenders to make mine a virgin. This
was not the first time I would comfort my dad, take care of my dad, and realize
how the roles in my life were constantly being flipped.
Often during times of tragedy, outrage,
or distress, I was called in by my mother to fix the problem. “Talk to him – make him calm down – I won’t
tolerate this – you take him to the appointment – you take him to the airport –
you deal with it then!” I’ve tried to mediate between them as now I see so
obviously where my dad is coming from and where my mom is coming from and how
neither are addressing each other issues.
I’ve taken my dad for medical
procedures, separated him from fights at the ball parks, apologized to insulted
waiters, fixed his messes, comforted him in times of loss, and tried to stand
by him. It’s been difficult in my evolving
times to be tempted to judge my parents at every turn in my life.
Instead of judgment, I am trying to
learn from my dad. And what I’ve learned
is that I don’t want to marry a man who resembles a man child in anyway! I want a man that handles stressful
situations in life with maturity and compassion. A man that comes to my side to support me
rather than hands me the reigns and watches as I try to fix the problems. I’ve taken care of two man childs now in my
life and I crave someone who can take care of me a little bit. I want a powerful strong man who is able to
confide in me and tell me his emotional problems rather than the crazy I’ve
dealt with to get here.
I love my mom. I love my dad. I just crave a love far better than the one I
witnesses growing up and with much more maturity and strength than I have
witnesses in my life. And I know I will never be satisfied with a man child for
a husband.
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