SINGLE, MARRIED,
DIVORCED OR WIDOWED
Single,
Married, Divorced or Widowed? This
question appears on almost every legal form, medical questionnaire, and online
dating profile. The question appears
everywhere – on documents, from friends, from doctors, from strangers, from
realtors, from bankers, from priests, and from co-workers.
In the
months immediately following my divorce, this question haunted me. How could I so easily have gone from the
“happily” married box to the now divorced box?
And which box was in fact the correct one. I wasn’t legally divorced yet, should I write
married? If I was divorced, wouldn’t I
be single? How was this really happening
to me? More importantly, how am I still
stuck on the very first question of this damn document.
The question made me angry. First, from a very logical stand point, if I
am divorced I am therefore single.
Right? I am divorced meaning I am
single. Is this some sort of bar exam
question where I am suppose to pick the answer which is more correct than the
rest. I see two right answers. Yes – I am divorced! Which means that I am therefore SINGLE. Why piece of paper, lawyers, banker, doctor,
do you want to know that I was divorced?
And that brings me to the biggest
problem with the question. Why do people
want to know? I’m not sure I know the
answer and I know it depends on the situations because sometimes there may be
very logical reasons to need to know that. (i.e. taxes). But for me this is such a personal piece of
information, a vicious memory from my past, something that does not seem
relevant for some relatively new person in my life.
For me, my divorce is a scar. A remembrance of a youthful love filled with
mistakes and tribulations. I’ve never
encountered anyone who has looked down on me or judged me for my divorce, but
I’ve sat around many conversations and heard people comment about other people
who are divorced. “They got married too
young.” “I’m not surprised – I saw it
coming.” “I just can’t believe it – I
always thought they were happy” and so on and so forth. The bottom line is rarely does think positive
thoughts about divorce. It’s either
judgment or sympathy.
The very first question on my
online dating profile is ever been married?
I lied. Well at first, I was
truthful but that it became a somewhat paranoia that maybe men were judging me
based on this piece of criteria which did not really fit me. I never wanted my divorce. I fought hard for my marriage. I offered my ex forgiveness in a time of deep
deep pain. I tried. I tried so damn hard. And why should random men on an online dating
profile get to judge me because my ex refused to live up to the commitments he
made?
I am usually such an honest
person. But this question. It makes me lie more often than not. I know that the next man that loves me will
love me despite my past and understand that I was incapable of saving my
marriage, not because I didn’t want to but because you can’t change how another
person feels. I can forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I know that I did everything I could do.
P.s. I always answer SINGLE. Those people don’t get to know all my secrets
just yet!
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